Day 12- Shut up addict brain!!

So  I have come to the end of another week.  I felt really tired and out of sorts this week.. maybe my immune system is down from not taking the best care of myself the last couple months.  Seems to be catching up with me now.

Although this morning I woke up feeling great, its Friday, and in exactly 1 week I will be exploring and enjoying the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii.

Tonight I will also be going out with my boyfriend’s friends, who I have never felt very comfortable around.  Which is when I would usually pregame at home heavily, then continue to drink until I blacked out…. tonight I am not going to be drinking.

I am nervous as hell- but I bought some nice non-alcoholic drinks to try and I bet no one will even care or notice if I am not drinking- I’m not ALWAYS the center of attention 😉

My stupid brain keeps telling me that I can control my drinking.  All these events that are happening months from now keeping re playing in my mind.

Brain: “You’re going to Hawaii, enjoy a nice glass of red”

“In two months your going to visit your dad in Phoenix, with 4 of your best friends.  Your going to tell me your not going to drink… your going to ruin all the fun and vacation for everyone, you party pooper.

“The lake this summer is going to be full of water sports, beach drinking, campfires, parties.. and your not going to have any fun”

I just want to tell my brain to shut up, but all these thoughts are causing a lot of anxiety.  Given it is still early days, I realize from reading other blogs, this is normal.  As my addict brain is screaming at me to give in.  NOPE.  Not for you, you bring nothing to my life that is good.  You are all an illusion.

I read the book Jason Vales:  Quit the drink…easily!  And wow, was that an eye opener to how to Government has brain washed our society into thinking you are weird if you do not partake in the drug alcohol.  It is a drug just like any other drug out there, heroin, coke etc.  One line that really stuck out to me regarding people trying to “control” their intake.  If you have to try and control something and think about it 24/7 you are not really in control.

“An addict never has control over the drug. The drug always controls the addict.   It is never the other way around”

That rang so true for me!  All the times I have tried to control, drink water in between, no shots, drink slow etc., Sure maybe it works for a time, but sooner or later the drug of choice will control you!!

Some helpful reminders for me to stay sober this weekend:

  1. Waking up at 3 am with guilt and his big brother shame
  2. Fighting or arguing with my boyfriend
  3. Embarrassing myself and passing out before 10pm
  4. Never remembering conversations or the evening (whats the point of going out)
  5. Drinking and driving
  6. HORRIBLE self loathing that lasts 3-4 days
  7. Wont be able to go to the gym – or eat healthy
  8. Partake in self- sabotaging habits, instead of self- love habits
  9. Will mess with my yoga and meditation I have been doing
  10. Will let myself down
  11. Once I pick up a drink, I have no clue how the night will turn out- I want consistency in my life.

I will be returning to look at these in any weak moments!

Much love, xo

Week 1-My Sober Journey

work in progress

I originally started this blog with intent to document my personal journey discovering my higher power and passions.  Now adding to this blog- I am going to document my sober journey in helps to keep myself motivated and accountable- and maybe in hopes of making some new sober connections 🙂

I have always struggled with alcohol- from a very early age.  Alcohol was around me everywhere.  I drank to get DRUNK with friends, and continued this reckless behavior into my mid-twenties.  Something about falling asleep, embarrassing myself and my boyfriend, feeling regret, shame and dealing with hangovers is no longer “just a good time” , “everyone is doing it”.  I become someone I do not like when I drink.  I am more argumentative, and selfish, and I just have a tunnel vision focus on one thing- get more alcohol to get you to that lovely, lushy drunk feeling you love oh so much.

After my last blackout- don’t worry I’ll let you in on all the dirty details later 😉  I have decided enough is enough.

This past weekend I survived my first weekend sans alcohol.  It went seemingly smooth considering it was a long weekend- Monday off from work- and Valentine’s weekend.  Both excuses I would have used to get bombed, and most likely fall asleep and ruin the entire weekend for my boyfriend.  Nope not this weekend.  We attended a fishing derby, went out for a great sushi valentines dinner, went to the dog park with our fur babies and watched tons of new films 🙂

I am quite proud of myself!

I have a vacation to Hawaii coming up in 10 days that is wearing on my mind.  I keep having the pesky little addict in me saying “come on, your going to be on vacation, you can enjoy a drink and control yourself”… but I don’t want to test those waters, as I KNOW I will enjoy the holiday probably more without the not knowing whats going to happen and horrible headaches.

Much love, xo