Caffeine Withdrawal

HOLY SMOKES!!  I had no clue I was this addicted to coffee.

Yesterday was the start of my elimination diet.  So the first day without caffeine, alcohol (actually day 43) gluten, soy, dairy, eggs, sweets, processed foods, corn etc.

Was I in for a big surprise.  The day started normally- but by the time I arrived at the office, I was noticing my energy levels were low.  I felt lethargic and sluggish all day, not focused and had a hard time having conversations.

Around 4:30 this heads splitting headache occurred, and would not go away no matter what.  It was like this deep throbbing in my skull, and it continued all evening.

I couldn’t keep any food down, and  before supper I started to get really sick and started throwing up.

I was hot/cold, in bed tired but couldn’t sleep, I was throwing up, head was throbbing.  It was the WORST day I have had in a very very long time.  This was me yesterday.

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I had to have a hit of my bong last night, as I couldn’t take the withdrawal, but surprisingly it didn’t help much (when it usually helps everything).  I’ve decided that I am going to still smoke weed during this elimination diet.  As I realized some profound things yesterday.

  1. I am much more addicted to things than I think I am
  2. Caffeine withdrawal is no joke
  3. Coming off of everything at once is not wise, and will probably lead me back to “fuck it all”
  4. I think caffeine may be the reason for my stomach upset
  5. I now really want to live a drug/stimulant free life- its a HUGE eye opener that I NEED something to survive- literally.

I don’t believe I could have gotten through yesterday if I hadn’t already started this sober journey.  Hell because it called for being off booze for 21 days- impossible!  Being sober is making me want to fix other areas of my life that have popped up.  I want to listen to my body.  I think before- I would overdo it, then drink coffee to mask it.  Instead of listening if i’m tired, or hungry, or need water.  I just drink coffee and go on with whatever else is on my to-do list.

Also, this elimination diet, is really taking my mind off alcohol, not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, but one good thing is G is doing the elimination diet with me too.  So no booze for him for 3 weeks 🙂

Much Love, xo

 

A secret…

Monday morning.  I spent all yesterday, planning, preparing, and reading about my new challenge. I am so excited!

I have always been a person whabitho loves challenges.  Although I have never been one to actually finish through with any challenge.  Since I have followed through (t0 42) days without alcohol, I am learning quite a bit about pushing through, temptations, how to get through the tough times.  I feel like I can do anything now that I have that sneaky devil out of my every day life.

So.. I am starting an elimination diet.  I KNOW everyone advises against doing anything drastic like diets or even watching what you eat while in the first stages of sobriety.  But I have always been a healthy eater, a 4x a week exerciser and its not out of the norm for who I am to do this.   I am doing this to eliminate all gluten, dairy, soy, sugar, caffeine etc and re start my body.  I want to detox all the junk out of me.

I have a secret though.  I smoke pot.  I feel like a bit of a hypocrite even saying how proud I am to be sober etc.  But honestly until this weekend I had no plans to ever quit weed, and saw so many positive benefits of it.  To me, being sober, is not drinking alcohol, or doing hard drugs.  I don’t even think of marijuana as a drug.  However, since quitting drinking and how every day is getting better and better I am questioning my pot intake as well.

I smoke everyday, after work, about 6 bong hoots a day.   I am a high functioning alcoholic (was) stoner.  I work 8 hours at a really good job, I have a house, 2 dogs, a loving boyfriend, enough money in the bank, a good car, cool electronics, bells and whistles etc.  I still eat healthy (or was before I quit drinking) and work out.  But, I wonder what i would be capable of, if I took the weed out of my life too.

The reasons I like to smoke pot are that it calms my anxiety, makes me instantly relax, takes my mind off things and can be a super fun time.

The reasons I am noticing I don’t like pot are I am often tired and don’t want to do anything after I smoke up, my mind gets really foggy, messes with my motivation and I get bad munchies.

I want to be truly sober.  I want a completely clear head.  I want to be completely drug and alcohol free.  I want to depend on exercise and meditation and warm tea and books to fill me up.  Not external sources.

So I have decided, during the 21 day elimination diet that I am eliminating every toxin, including pot from my life.  For 21 days, I can do it.  And, in that 21 days it can give me some time to re learn a life totally sober.  It is going to be very hard for me.  When drinking, I never drank during the week only binged on weekends, but for smoking weed, its an everyday thing, a HABIT.  That i’m not even so sure I like anymore.  I don’t want to be attached to anything external.  Or depend on anything.  I want to be free.

Holy, this getting sober thing is generating a domino like affect in all other areas of my life too.

I am going to be documenting my elimination diet, how I feel, detox symptoms, the ups and downs and yes how hard it is going to be without my crutch pot.

Much Love, xo

Friends

I’ve heard when you get sober that you often lose a lot of the people you used to hang out with and party with.  Some people get upset by this, secretly I wish this would happen to me. I’m not sure why but I am annoyed with my friends lately.  

They are all supportive of my sobriety and still make a big effort to hang out with me, but I am not for some reason..

I said no to my best friends about a baby shower get together  this weekend because I really didn’t want to go, and I am not close with these people and honestly I’m sick of people telling me what to do. I’m more mad at myself I think, for allowing these people to control so much that I do,think and say. 

I’m never the one to say no. So even though I did on Thursday and then on Friday again, I got asked this morning to RE confirm I wasn’t going and why and why I should blah blah. In the end I said flat out no thanks. Why do I have to explain myself to anyone? They have no clue what I am going through. It’s annoying and frustrating when people want you to do things for either their advantage or they try to force the way they want it to go. I said NO!!!! Lol jk.. But seriously. 

I just have to do this  thing for me. The silent voice inside is growing stronger, I am getting more self confident everyday. 

Nothing’s stopping this car rolling downhill as belle at sick of thinking about drinking says! 

Much love, xo

Tired

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Hiiiii babes.  It’s Friday, it’s sunny.  I’m thinking about that first sip of a smooth red wine.  The way it lights up my insides as it travels to my bloodstream.  The first ahhhh of the weekend commencing, my stresses and cares floating out the window.

I can picture myself sitting in the backyard, reading my book, or maybe grilling some steaks on the BBQ… oh how I can picture it.

Instead, I am at work.

I.am.tired.  

I had so many events I had to go to this week.  Yesterday, I worked all day, and then had to drive to another city to watch my cousins dance recital.  I didn’t end up making it home until 1 am, and had to work again this morning.

I came in to work today, and had a bunch of rude emails I didn’t want to have to deal with,  complaints  blah blah blah.  (why do I run this business)

I am having a poor me week I realized.  I am happy I am sober, the days are passing, they aren’t too terrible either.  But I think I need to cut down on my social events.  I need to say NO when it doesn’t serve me.

I went to a BBQ this week, that was probably a trigger for me.  A bunch of people were already half cut when we got there.  I brought non alcoholic wine, as these people aren’t my closest friends, and I don’t want to have to explain myself.  They all thought I was getting wasted with them, cheers!

BUT.  I realized maybe I shouldn’t even be putting myself in these situations so early in my sobriety.  It was a place where I didn’t know many people, felt a little anxious, and was expected be partying.  Why didn’t I just tell them I wasn’t drinking with them?  Am I STILL scared what people think of me?  Do I want to fit in that bad?

oh the questions I ask myself.

Truth be told, as I watched them get drunker, louder and more messy, the more I couldn’t wait to get out of there.  Seeing drunk people when your sober really is shocking.  Did I act like that?  Probably worse… yikes…

Does anyone else have trouble saying no?  Even when they know its the best thing to do…

So yeah, I am tired and cranky.. not exactly a good recipe to try and do anything tonight.  I already called G and said, I am having a  movie spa night, and we are ordering pizza!

I LOVE pizzaaaa.. almost more than wine 🙂

Happy sober weekend!

Much Love, xo

 

My DUI

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For some reason I have not written about a bigggg life changing event that took place in my life 2 years ago.  Which should have been my rock bottom.  I think it was the first of several rock bottoms.

I was still at that stage in my life where drinking shots excessively was an awesome time. I was 23 years old.   I didn’t wake up feeling “oh shit” I woke up feeling “that was fun!”

It happened like any other night- I was drinking heavily with my boyfriend, vodka shots etc.  Stupid girl I am decided it would be a good idea to drive both to and from the party we were at (the next city over).  Of course, I got pulled over, don’t remember much of it, was disrespectful to the police officers, and after a long time they had me at the police department I still would not blow into their breathalyzer (in hindsight I SO wish I had). Costs me more time without a license- and an automatic DUI.

I remember waking up the next morning with the biggest pit in my stomach.  I immediately started laughing (laughing???? who the F*** does that)  I couldn’t believe it was me, the true harshness of my consequences did not set in yet.  But then after I laughed, I cried and I cried hard.

The year that follows was:

  • Lost my license for 1.5 years
  • Had to be driven around by my family when they could, or my boyfriend
  • I felt trapped and isolated where I was and couldn’t ever leave on my own
  • I secretly blamed by BF and said he should have been driving, I got irritable and very very unhappy with my life
  • I spent around 10,000 dollars on lawyers
  • 3,000 on a blow box for my car (that worked 50 % of the time, and barely at all in the -60 winters we get)
  • Had to go to DUI course over a full weekend (which I had to do twice) because I went out drinking the night before the final day, and slept in …. wow…
  • I now have a criminal record

I honestly didn’t think that I was going to make it through that period in my life.  After I got my license back, exactly a year today actually, I vowed I would NEVER drink and drive again.

That DUI was when I really noticed there are some serious consequences, and that drinking is not just fun.  I seriously began to realize I had a problem.  That was when I started trying to stop, cut down, drink slow etc. and realized to my horror I couldn’t.  But I also couldn’t imagine the thought of not drinking again.  I’m 23 for Gods Sake.

I have been trying and failing to quit for a good year now, probably more.  The more I try to control it, the more out of control I get.

I would like to say that was the only time I drank and drove- but it is not.  I used to do it all the time.  The thing that scared me the most, was the last 4 months or so, I began drinking and driving again, which I PROMISED I would never do.  I knew I was going somewhere bad, fast.

I am ashamed thinking of the stuff I’ve done…

But, I KNOW having something so drastic and harsh was supposed to be a big eye opener for me from God, I know he wants more for my life!

 

 

 

35 days

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Last night I was thinking about how the first 2+ weeks of my sobriety, I was excited and had motivation, and drinking was not even a thought.  I was MUCH better off without it.

I still know I am much better off without it, but lately I think I have been slacking in my recovery.

I still come online and read tons of blogs, and write here, but other than that, I don’t have a group I belong too or anything.  The only people who are aware of the way my drinking escalated are my mom and my boyfriend.  My best friend saw a bit of it (how I turn into a different person, pass out, puke all day after etc) but she still doesn’t know the whole extent of it, and still thinks one day I can be a normal drinker.

I talk a lot about it to my boyfriend, because it is so special and new for me still, but I don’t want to bore him about talking about me, me, me all the time.    G is always telling me how proud he is of me, and lately he’s been telling me multiple times a day how beautiful I am, and how great I look!  (That is deff a plus).  My mom is probably my biggest supporter.  I can tell her anything, and she doesn’t judge me.  I am so thankful for that.  I almost think of her as my sponsor, because if I ever get close to having a drink or need someone to talk me off the ledge, shes the person I call.

BUT, other than that, all my friends drink.  Not that I wont/dont hang out with them anymore, but I am feeling like I want other completely sober connections to help me navigate what I am going through.

I know so many people who have been changed since the day they walked in AA, but I just can’t take that step yet.  Why?  Am I embarrassed? I don’t know why.  I just can’t take the step yet. I joined an online recovery website yesterday, with online AA meetings and such, maybe that is a good place to start.

I missed yoga this week, have been eating badly, haven’t gotten in all my workouts, and have been just going home, watching T.V, having a bath and going to bed.  I need excitement and purpose in my life, or I’ll just go back to drinking.  I need to get back to the recovery toolbox I have, and use it everyday, I can sense myself slipping.

I’m going to do my yoga, do my daily meditations, get some exercise in, drink tons of water and get BACK IN THE GAME!

Much Love, xo

 

 

 

This is HARD

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It’s a dreary Tuesday morning, it rained all weekend.   I managed to stay sober this weekend, but wow was it hard.  I was not expecting that at all.  It started to annoy me late Friday afternoon, and continued throughout the weekend.  Even though I knew I was not going to drink, it was on my mind all weekend.  Why can’t I be like normal people and have a drink?!  But the thing is, I didn’t want A drink, I wanted 6 drinks.  I am trying not to romanticize drinking, and remind myself it is an illusion!!!

I worked out this weekend, but I ate a lot of sugar.  I think I was trying to fill a void by eating food.  I felt dull, restless, bored, agitated.  There was SOMETHING missing, and nothing could fill it.

We left the lake Saturday evening, as I was feeling weird and wanted to be back home in my king size bed.  Thank goodness we left when we did, because of course my brothers and dad got in a fight, because they all drank too much.  Shocker.  Just reinforces why drinking causes me anxiety.  Even when I am not drinking and I am around my family, or other drinkers who are clearly intoxicated, I noticed I get anxiety.  I never know whats going to happen, who is going to blow up.

When we got back from the lake, we went to a bbq at my man’s (G) we will call him, friends house.  G wanted to grab some beers for the bbq, and was let down when we realized the store was closed.  In my head I thought “See you don’t want to even go to one bbq without a drink, and here I have to do everything without a drink.”  That was just my little bitchy attitude speaking up, as he is the most normal drinker I know.

When we got to the bbq, Ty’s girlfriend also said she was glad I was there so she didn’t feel pressured to drink because she didn’t feel like it.  That made me feel good that I could be a good influence on other people.  I didn’t drink, I enjoyed the bbq.

And here I am this morning, happy that I survived, and once again PROUD.  I did not give in to the feelings, and they passed.

I read something from a fellow blogger that said “Don’t do something life changing and serious, like take a drink, when you are having feelings.  The feelings will pass, you having a drink will start the cycle again.

I can’t stand the thought of starting over at day 1.

Today is a stressful day, I am signing the papers at 1 today to take over my dad’s business.  It isn’t going well as my other brother is mad, possibly quitting, family drama, our secretary has something up her a** lately…. ugh.  I keep thinking of the new financial responsibilities I have now… BUT…..I CAN get through this, without a drink.  I will.

Much Love, xo

 

 

 

Envy

Its 2:00 pm on the Friday of a long weekend.  The last post I wrote this morning, I was feeling fantastic and ready to take on the sober weekend.  Now I’m having intense cravings to CHUG a bottle of wine.  Not a glass.  I know that’s not a healthy relationship.

I want to let loose- get out of my head.  I want to enjoy the weekend with my family tonight- drinking, having a fire.  Everyone in my family drinks, heavily.  We drink to get drunk, laugh at what we did the next day, and do it all over again.   With one exception being my younger brother, he (surprisingly) has never been a big drinker like the rest of us.

All my dad’s side of the family are BIG drinkers.  And their fathers before that, were big drinkers.  My dad lost his youngest brother at 52 years old only, from drinking himself to death.  Before his death, he was crashing his cars, falling in his yard and having to have the neighbors pick him up hours later, grabbed on to his barbecue when he was wasted and had 3rd degree burns all over his body.  He was in the hospital with skin graphs the whole shebang.  After he got out of the hospital we had him over for Thanksgiving dinner (as his family had left him), where he was wrapped up like a mommy and he STILL drank that evening.  A week later he was dead.  My dad, who has also had severe drinking problems of his own (but has somehow managed to chill out, but still drinks daily) brought home a 66 of wisers to deal with it.  My dad said “I knew I needed to tell him to get help, I was just about to give him a pamphlet to AA this week”.  I thought in my head- pft, you all need AA.

Not to mention, he lost his only sister when she was 18 years old, as her boyfriend drunk drove them into a train, and his other two brothers are both alcoholics.  One is functioning enough, and the other lives on a beach in mexico and drinks a 24 a day.

My mom’s side of the family is not over-the-top like my dad’s side but they also have their fair share of alcohol problems.  My grandma and grandpa were big partiers back in their day, they owned a small  business, he was the Alderman of the city at only 25 years old, and he played in a jazz band.  So there was always lots of parties.  My mom has a lot of memories of late night parties and strangers in her home.  That was all fine and dandy until my Grandpa (bless his soul), who I have never met,  dropped dead from an asthma attack at the ripe age of 53.   Well, from there on out you can guess what happened.  My grandma did nothing but drink  to make it through the day,  it was a very hard period of time in her life.  My mom recalls how upsetting it was for her.  But my grandma has continued to drink like that into her later days, and into her late 70’s when she had to go to rehab.  She has 40% of her heart working, and the doctor told her, go to rehab or you will die.  She went to rehab, and hasn’t had a drink since (or so she says)

My grandmother also tells me we are distantly related to Sir John A MacDonald, the first Prime Minister of Canada, who was also a fall down drunk- great.   It seems I’m cursed.

My mom is not a drinker at all.  One glass of wine on a special occasion that’s it.   But she has definitely seen and experienced her fair share of alcoholism being married to my dad, and her mother.   I know how I ended up with these genes I just don’t want them!!!  It deeply saddens me.

Sorry about the little rant- I just get overwhelmed thinking about how much alcohol has taken from me- but yet I still want to drink it.

Everyone is in the back shop right now- having afternoon beers to commence the long weekend.  Sigh.  I know I will feel happier Tuesday – having overcome another obstacle.

Here’s to hopefully staying strong this weekend!  I CAN do this.

 

Much love, xo

Day 32- May Long Weekend

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I am feeling on top of the world lately.  It’s actually scaring me how easy this whole stay sober thing is.  I have had thoughts of drinking, but I absolutely know I will not.  Something in me has switched.

We went to the casino with another couple last night.  I am nervous around these people, but I just said screw it, be yourself.  So we went, I drank coffee, they all drank beers, we played some slots, and my man and me both left up 100+ dollars richer.  Then we left at a decent time, and I went to bed sober again!  woohooo.

I am beginning to realize maybe I was the only one drinking as heavily as I was. When I look around, my friends had 1 or 2 beers and they were done.  That definitely wouldn’t have been me 2 months ago, once I found out we were going, I would have chugged wine first so that I wouldn’t feel anxious.

It’s so ridiculous.  Its becoming very apparent to me, that I was trying to hide from who I was.   Now my goal is to BE WHO I AM.  No matter what anyone else thinks!

I know its early days, so I can’t get a head of myself, I’ve got a big journey ahead, but lately, this sobriety thing rocks!

Here’s to a May Long at the lake, where I will be running, sipping tea, reading, and enjoying the beach!

Much Love, xo

Dinner with the girls

 

Last night I went to my weekly yoga class and left feeling wonderful.  The gym is so addicting to me now, and without all those extra booze calories my body is looking and feeling better than ever.

After yoga I was going to meet my girlfriends at Original Joes for some appetizers (wine for them) for a birthday get together.  While I was laying in Savasana my mind kept drifting to the meal I get to nourish my body with after, and not even”AHHH how am I going to not drink wine”.    It felt so awesome once I realized that.

I also realized just how much more confident I am and sure of myself.  I used to get anxiety at the thought of going out, drinking, how much I can drink, leaving on time for work etc.  And every time I would end up going home WAY later than I said I would – always 1 more glass of wine, and being sick and hungover at work the next day.

Not yesterday.  I had much better conversations with my girlfriends, and actually listened to them talk.  I didn’t crave wine at all.  I got a good chance to talk with my friends about my new found sobriety and why it is working for me, they are all supportive (but I think a bit uncomfortable with my new sobriety) .  AND I left when I felt like was the right time, not because I cared what anyone else thought of me.  I woke up today FRESH and grateful for another day sober! 🙂

One thing I did take note of was when explaining why I HATE alcohol and literally think it is the devils drink, was I said “I see it for what it really is now, no seductions, it is poison”

haha..  well my one friend was quick to say “well I love drinking”.

Its really hard not to talk about being sober, loving being sober, the benefits etc. when you have finally after so many years of struggling, seen the light.    So many positive things are building up in my life through becoming sober.   I must admit I am secretly judging everyone now that I’m not drinking, watching how much they drink, how fast, how they act etc..  I know its badddddd… I just want everyone to know how wonderful being sober is!

But that’s just wishful thinking… 😉

Much love,

xo