Envy

Its 2:00 pm on the Friday of a long weekend.  The last post I wrote this morning, I was feeling fantastic and ready to take on the sober weekend.  Now I’m having intense cravings to CHUG a bottle of wine.  Not a glass.  I know that’s not a healthy relationship.

I want to let loose- get out of my head.  I want to enjoy the weekend with my family tonight- drinking, having a fire.  Everyone in my family drinks, heavily.  We drink to get drunk, laugh at what we did the next day, and do it all over again.   With one exception being my younger brother, he (surprisingly) has never been a big drinker like the rest of us.

All my dad’s side of the family are BIG drinkers.  And their fathers before that, were big drinkers.  My dad lost his youngest brother at 52 years old only, from drinking himself to death.  Before his death, he was crashing his cars, falling in his yard and having to have the neighbors pick him up hours later, grabbed on to his barbecue when he was wasted and had 3rd degree burns all over his body.  He was in the hospital with skin graphs the whole shebang.  After he got out of the hospital we had him over for Thanksgiving dinner (as his family had left him), where he was wrapped up like a mommy and he STILL drank that evening.  A week later he was dead.  My dad, who has also had severe drinking problems of his own (but has somehow managed to chill out, but still drinks daily) brought home a 66 of wisers to deal with it.  My dad said “I knew I needed to tell him to get help, I was just about to give him a pamphlet to AA this week”.  I thought in my head- pft, you all need AA.

Not to mention, he lost his only sister when she was 18 years old, as her boyfriend drunk drove them into a train, and his other two brothers are both alcoholics.  One is functioning enough, and the other lives on a beach in mexico and drinks a 24 a day.

My mom’s side of the family is not over-the-top like my dad’s side but they also have their fair share of alcohol problems.  My grandma and grandpa were big partiers back in their day, they owned a small  business, he was the Alderman of the city at only 25 years old, and he played in a jazz band.  So there was always lots of parties.  My mom has a lot of memories of late night parties and strangers in her home.  That was all fine and dandy until my Grandpa (bless his soul), who I have never met,  dropped dead from an asthma attack at the ripe age of 53.   Well, from there on out you can guess what happened.  My grandma did nothing but drink  to make it through the day,  it was a very hard period of time in her life.  My mom recalls how upsetting it was for her.  But my grandma has continued to drink like that into her later days, and into her late 70’s when she had to go to rehab.  She has 40% of her heart working, and the doctor told her, go to rehab or you will die.  She went to rehab, and hasn’t had a drink since (or so she says)

My grandmother also tells me we are distantly related to Sir John A MacDonald, the first Prime Minister of Canada, who was also a fall down drunk- great.   It seems I’m cursed.

My mom is not a drinker at all.  One glass of wine on a special occasion that’s it.   But she has definitely seen and experienced her fair share of alcoholism being married to my dad, and her mother.   I know how I ended up with these genes I just don’t want them!!!  It deeply saddens me.

Sorry about the little rant- I just get overwhelmed thinking about how much alcohol has taken from me- but yet I still want to drink it.

Everyone is in the back shop right now- having afternoon beers to commence the long weekend.  Sigh.  I know I will feel happier Tuesday – having overcome another obstacle.

Here’s to hopefully staying strong this weekend!  I CAN do this.

 

Much love, xo

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