Canada Day

Canada-Day-Party.jpg

 

Hi guysss.  The long weekend is coming up and I am scared.  My boyfriend and I have these plans to go to Waskesui with his buddies, and a girlfriend of mine.  I am confident I won’t drink, but not confident I will have a good time.

I am so much more into reading, yoga, jogging, nature, baths, etc at the moment.  Sometimes when I go away for the weekend I don’t spend enough time doing self care things and I end up coming home feeling out of sorts.   I also don’t like to be trapped somewhere where there is going to be a lot of drinking and partying, and really I have no escape because we are tenting.

I want my boyfriend to have  a good time, just because I have changed and I am a bit more uptight now, doesn’t mean he isn’t still young and can’t relax and enjoy the long weekend his with buddies.

I am going to make an effort to have as much fun as possible without booze, to be outgoing, to be relaxed and not too hard on G, and to just let loose.

As long as I keep my smoking to a minimum or to the evenings, then I won’t become a non social stoner LOL (which has been happening to me more now that I am not drinking)

HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!

 

My boyfriend drinks

Last night I got into a huge spat with my boyfriend.  To be honest, I have been an uptight b**** lately.

But, I feel like he downplays how hard this is for me.   I am only a bit past 2 months sober, I am still healing from my wisdom teeth and have pain all day, I am now kind of feeling dull and flat and almost….. depressed.

I’ve been wondering if maybe I shouldn’t have just quit taking my anxiety medication just like that.  I have noticed my moods are much more unstable now, and given that I quit drinking and such maybe it wasn’t the right thing at the right time.

I was just feeling so good….. but that’s what I guess always happens.

I have contemplated going back on them, for the sake of others around me mostly LOL.  But, a part of me doesn’t want to.  Plus, it’s already been probably 3 weeks off them, maybe I should just ride out the withdrawal symptoms and dull moments and really get into the bigger picture of my depression.

I am cancelling my gym membership today, and joining an all exclusive yoga studio, which just happens to be right beside my work 🙂  My plan is to start waking up early every morning to go yoga practice for an hour, I NEED to practice yoga 5 days per week, and meditate.  Yes, and mediate, at least 5 days per week.

So back to the title of this post.

My boyfriend had his two buddies over drinking in the back yard last night because we just re did our backyard and bought a patio set and such!  Which is a good thing, but I was still in pain from my teeth, and him and I had already made plans to go finish getting the hammock put up, and go out for dinner together.  Then he kinda just changed those plans and thought I would be all cool with it, but I wasn’t in the mood to socialize or watch them drink or anything.

Last night I told him I don’t know if I can be with someone who drinks, like even a little, even at all.  I don’t like anything about it.  Am I being ridiculous?  He has no problem with his drinking, and never loses control.  But yet, I feel like if he can take it or leave it so easily like he says, then leave it, for me, because this is just way to hard for me to do alone. I am proud I didn’t drink last night but I feel a lot of pent up energy inside.  Maybe I should reach out to other sober people (in person), maybe I can’t do this alone.

I wanted so bad to just drink and have fun and sit in the backyard last night.  It was such a sunny, beautiful evening.

I’m feeling deflated, I’m feeling dull.  Does this change?  Am I just in a stage of sobriety I can’t see?

 

 

Wisdom Teeth Pain

 

8131b9d518e2a531b46bcba6e0b32231.jpg

I got my wisdom teeth taken out last Thursday, and here it is the following Wednesday and I still have so much pain.

My back bottom left isn’t healing as well, and it is the only one that’s causing me severe pain.  I went back yesterday as I knew it couldn’t be right after still 6 days and they inserted a medicated pad in the wound (which hurt like nothing else I’ve ever felt), and said it will be much better tomorrow.  Yeah well tomorrows another day, when you have a throbbing pain going all the way up the side of your face and all your teeth feel like they are falling out.   They didn’t give me any additional pain meds, so I suffered pretty hard last night.

But like the dentist said, I do feel 50% better today.  The pain is still there, but not as severe.  Today is the first day I have made it back to work, not sure if I should have come in, but I am getting so anxious sitting around in pain all day.

I was thinking, you know what would have sucked, if I was still drinking.  How did I ever heal anything with my body just trying to get all the toxins out of me all the time.  I took antibiotics with this surgery and this is the first time I’ve taken antibiotics and I haven’t drank on them (scary I know).

I had another little ‘aha’ moment before the surgery.  I was signing the forms to say everything was all good, and under personal habits, they wanted me to enter what I did in my recreational time.  I skipped past alcohol and tobacco, and under recreational drugs I did mention I smoke weed because I didn’t want it to affect anesthesia or anything.  But that’s besides the point, in the chair, I thought holy shit!  I just said I don’t drink alcohol. period. nope. yay.

So for that I can be thankful, and I made it through this sober!

I actually NEED a drink right now

My anxiety and stress is at an all time high.   I just feel like I can’t do anything right!!

I would die to just chug a bottle of wine, forget about these feelings, drown this anxiety.

I am panicking in my chest right now.

I am on the verge of tears.

I have been bickering and fighting with G about household cleaning and stuff, and how I feel nagged on 24/7 that its not up to his standards.  I feel like this:  I AM ALREADY GOING THROUGH ENOUGH, WE WON’T DIE IF I LEFT A TINY PIECE OF AVOCADO ON THE COUNTER”  I actually yelled that at him.  And some other mean things.  He is the target of my mood swings lately..

Then, yesterday… my dad asked me to move his truck into our shop at work, so I did, but scratched the whole side of his truck against the door frame… Like did I just not pay attention?  This shit isn’t like me.

I called G to come look at the damage, and then he tells me he accidentally drove over my expensive favorite pair of sunglasses with the lawn mower.  That set me off further.

I am legitimately a fire breathing dragon- beware do not come near.

I got a call today that the surgeons office had a cancellation and that I could finally get all four of my impacted wisdom teeth out.  TOMORROW at 2.  This is major as two of them are under my jaw bone, but the pain they have been causing me is unbearable.  So I accepted, otherwise I have to wait until September 7th and I can’t wait that long!

I am now equally upset, because it is my grandmas 84th birthday this weekend at the lake.  She is having a big girls party, which of course I was going to along with a bunch of other friends and family etc.  Except now I can’t go.  And I missed her big 80th birthday because I just flew off the Montreal on a whim one day, and also missed her birthday last year because I drank way to much and fell asleep as soon as we got there.  I know my mom is going to be disappointed because every time there is something going on I am supposed to attend, something comes up, or G plans a surprise trip and I never make it.

This is just all too much.  I literally want to cry.  And I REALLY want a bottle of red.

 

Restless

I feel so restless.  I want to pack everything up from Saskatchewan and move to BC.  Where I can hike all year round, grow my own garden year round, get away from my old life and build a brand new life that reflects who I am now.

I want to start fresh, new place, new job, new friends, away from my family drama.  Just me G and the fur babies.  But is that realistic?  I mean, yes I easily could.  But then there’ our house here, my family, this job (where I know I won’t get to be my own boss and make good money anywhere else).

I have noticed my impulsiveness is coming back full force.  I want to do everything NOW.  This weekend I binge ate sugar Saturday and Sunday evening (felt like shit) and I am feeling out of sorts right now.  I am feeling angry almost, irritable.  I just want to tell everybody to fuck off and tell them what I think about them.

I guess the saying is you shouldn’t make any big life decisions or changes in the first year, I can see why that might be true..

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

Irritable

I have been very irritable the last couple days.  I feel like no one understands me.  This weekend I had another huge reminder that my friends really only want me around when it benefits them in some way or another.

My one friend A always asks me to come to her house, but will NEVER come to my house.  She lives all the way across the city, in an area I hate, where I live right beside the river, dog parks, all the coffee shops and stuff to do.  I also re did my whole backyard, and she has yet to come even see it.  So yesterday, of course when her fiance is busy, she says hey wanna come over for a bit.  I said no, I’m hanging in the backyard you should come over here if you want, and shes responds “I’ll see what B says when he is home from shooting” and then of course, don’t get another text.

A is always in a competition with me.  She isn’t happy for my new backyard and house and things because its a threat to hers.  She is always one upping me and thinks she is the queen bee of everything and everyone.  She thinks she knows EVERYTHING and she carries a bitchy, I’m better than you attitude about everything, and shes only 23 years old.  I am sick of it.   She only wants my help when its to do the books for her company etc., she never helps me with anything.  Only wants to come to my house in the states, or my lake front cabin, or to go check out all her brand new stuff and toys, but no, never to just do something for me.

Then I went to another friends house for a Rollerblade on Sunday.  That was nice as I haven’t seen her in forever but she said something that pissed me off.  She said “I think you just needed to prove that you could go without drinking for a period of time”  I thought Oh yeah I just did this to prove I didn’t have a problem and once I realize holy smokes my life is so much better without it, I’ll go back to drinking.  I proved I could do it.  I’ll go back to my miserable, depressed life, sounds good.  Like how small minded are you people!?  Then she says ” not even for very special occasions?”  Like girl, trust me you wont be there for my very special occasions so why should you care if I have a drink or not.

My friends are jealous because I am sticking to my guns, I am making progress, I am becoming better, and they aren’t.  No one is going to tear me down- in fact it is only going to make me try harder.

I know this sounds crazy, but I am feeling rebellious against my friends.  I want to show them who is the boss of my life, and that I am no longer that push over people pleaser friend.

They aren’t my people anymore.

 

I like myself

86b510c0e92784d8a824c7812fff9ec1

Life is good.  I have definitely been on a pink cloud for the last two weeks!  Sobriety is awesome, I couldn’t be happier with where I am.  I am sure this will change though, as sobriety is not a straight line.  I am only 1.5 months into being sober, how can I feel like I’ve got it all down already.

I DON’T!  I can’t get ahead of myself and get cocky with all of this, because I feel like when I let my guard down that little whisper may start to come back.

I am beginning to hang around with a different group of people.  People who have passions and goals and are excited about life!  I MUST hang around people who only bring me up and make me want to be the best version of myself!

Tonight I am going for a river walk and tea with an old friend I lost touch with so long ago- as we chose different paths- and now we are reconnecting!  How cool is that!

Another thing that’s just happened without much effort on my part is that my pot smoking is down to 1 hoot a day!  And always at the end of the day before bed, so I can make the most of my days.  I am finding now through my sobriety that I love who I am now, I don’t want to dull my senses or my gifts from God.

I don’t want this feeling to ever end!  I will sit back and enjoy this pink little cloud I am sitting on 🙂

Happy Thursday guys!! xoxox

50 days and why I love being sober

aea6cbd360fb67c457245f59107820eb

Yipeee!!  I have reached 50 days sober!  I have never been here before!

I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that, or to feel good about saying that.  I have come such a long way since my last vacation to Phoenix and my last binge fest.  It is amazing what can change when we finally say enough is enough.

My life has grown in heaps and bounds in just 50 short days so I would like to share with you 50 reasons (so far) I LOVE being sober!

  1. My confidence is through the roof- I feel like I can take on any challenge now
  2. I am much more in tune with my wants/needs and not others wants/needs for me
  3. I can say NO, and not be afraid what people will think
  4. I am no longer a people pleaser or care what anyone thinks of my decisions
  5. I am PROUD I was an alcoholic, not ashamed of my story- I can feel it is going to be the base for everything I do in life- I want to help other people struggling.
  6. I am no longer sick with a hangover 2 or 3 times a week
  7. I’ve lost weight and all my bloat is gone
  8. My mind is much clearer and sharper, no more fog.
  9. I feel generally happy and excited for life and my future
  10. I take MUCH better care of myself – deep conditioning my hair twice a week, dry body brushing, yoga and working out at-least 5 times a week, I eat only healthy whole foods (after the first 2 weeks of sugar binge), I drink tons of water and herbal teas, I meditate, I take baths, I read blogs and books and motivational tapes.
  11. I am HYDRATED- for perhaps the first time in 10 years.  I can feel it in my skin, hair and nails.
  12. I am a much nicer person.  I was selfish as an addict and only thought of me.  Now I love to go out and help/serve other people when they are down, or go to events I NEVER would have gone to before because drinking wasn’t involved.
  13. I am making so many new friends, and ditching the old ones.  I am finding throughout this journey,  I don’t have much in common with my old friends at all.  Even though I have been friends with them for 20 years.  Most of them are:  bitchy, negative, snobby, and whine about their problems instead of fixing them.  I can’t stand being around them any longer.
  14. My relationship with G is healthy and mature now.  No more drama or stupid arguments.
  15. I have taken up new hobbies such as gardening and blogging 🙂
  16. I have soooo much natural energy now- I don’t even drink caffeine anymore!
  17. I can no longer let areas of my life that need improvement go unnoticed
  18. I LISTEN to my body.  I eat when hungry, sleep when tired, and I know if something is off just from sitting still for a couple minutes.
  19. I have a  consistent yoga practice
  20. My mom is no longer staying up at night worrying about me and having to deal with the merry go round of my anxiety, depression and bad binge weekends.
  21. I am completely OFF MY ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION MEDS!!!!!
  22. Weekends are now my time to relax, hang out with nature, and get ready for the week ahead.
  23. I LOVE waking up Saturday and Sunday mornings to read and drink tea
  24. I am no longer drinking and driving
  25. I choose who I hang around with now- if people give me bad vibes, or make me feel negative, I steer clear.
  26. I am saving tons of money – on my ticker it says $580.00 – yikes!!
  27. I am the only person in my family who does not drink- and I am going to be a good role model
  28. G is also noticing my changes, and has taken on a lot of his own
  29. Other people are saying how good I look and how I am glowing
  30. I have had people reach out to me on social media and say they love my page and have so many of the same likes and interests
  31. I haven’t fallen down or hurt myself in 50 days- not once- coincidence I think not!
  32. My house stays clean mostly all the time
  33. I LOVE myself, for the first time ever.
  34. I don’t have any shame, embarrassment, guilt, anxiety that I had for so many years.
  35. My life is no longer a merry go round.  It is calm, and clean and orderly and peaceful and I love it.

This is just from 50 days sober, I can’t wait to see all the new changes at day 100!

What do you guys love about being sober?

xoxoxo

Reminders

sometimes

I had a lovely weekend.  The weather was nice, and I was in high spirits.

Friday was a relaxing night in with G .  Saturday, G and I went to a little lake near by, to visit some friends camping there.  It was nice, we ate super healthy veggies and fruits, sat by the beach for a while, played some cards and chatted.  G wanted to pick up some “gluten free” beer, but I quickly reminded him we aren’t allowed alcohol on the elimination diet.

Our other friends were having some twisted teas, but even then I didn’t want one that bad.  It would have been nice to let loose, get wasted, and have a super fun filled high day!  But then again, that’s just it.  I don’t want to just have a couple.  Whats the point in 1 or 2?  Add calories, make you sleepy.  The only way I would have wanted to drink is if we were drinking to get DRUNK.  Who wants to put alcohol in their systems with no outcome?  Duh- not me. Which is why I don’t drink anymore- and honestly, I am okay with that.

G and I went for a nice bike ride last night.  I said to him- “You know, our lives may not be as exciting or fun-filled as they used to be, but that’s okay for now.  Because with my high- high’s I realized also comes my low- lows.  Yes lately my life hasn’t been exciting and impulsive and fast tracked- like I used to live- it is more stable, and real, and I think about a lot now before I do/say it.  My high’s are not worth my lows.

G actually said, “this is my idea of fun babe, you are growing and changing and finding out who you are.”  What an amazing man I have.  He has stuck with me through my worst, and he is going to be there for my best!

On another note,  I got a text today from a friend.  She has a drinking problem- I know, because all last summer we struggled a lot together.  This girl is actually like me in a lot of ways, but she is still choosing the demon drink.   She said today that she had a horrible weekend, her anxiety is through the roof and would she please be able to come over tonight to talk.  I of course said yes, because I am always willing to help another friend going through something I have been through myself.  But it also got me thinking, WOW, I so don’t miss that, and I am sooo happy that’s not me anymore.  That used to be me every Monday after a binge.   It was a nice reminder of why I’m doing this.  (Thanks God)

It got me to thinking about all the amazing changes I’ve made lately- yes I have sacrificed a lot and been felt left out and other things- but I would not trade where I am today for the world.   I eat better, sleep better, have better relationships, am in better shape, and just all around a better person.

I am no longer afraid to be who I am- like it or not!

 

Pink cloud + Homeopathy

749-relax-and-succeed-if-you-listen-to-your-body

I am feeling amazing since my caffeine detox ended.   I am 46 days sober, almost a week without sugar, dairy, gluten, caffeine, soy etc.  and I must say, I do feel a lot better.  I have been having sugar cravings, but somehow I have managed to resist them.

I went to a homeopathic doctor for the first time yesterday.  I am very into all natural household stuff, beauty products and holistic living.

I wanted to go to get a blood analysis, and to see from a different doctors perspective how my health is.  Especially because I have ditched so many of the unhealthy things I put into my body.

Boy, was I in for a shock.  He took the vile of my blood, and put it under the microscope so that I could see what it looked like on the big projector.  I could see that my red blood cells were clumping together,  a lot of them had no oxygen in the middle, and were not moving barely at all.  This is bad news. The doctor explained that I have clumping of the red blood cells, which is an extremely compromised immune system, and leads to many diseases.

He says it affects carrying oxygen to the blood, compromises my muscular and skeletal system, because I am not absorbing nutrients, minerals and calcium into my bones.  It is also not absorbing yeast, fungi, and calcium so I have calcium build up, fungi strands and yeast chains all over my insides.

He also noticed I have free radicals floating in my bowels (which lead to cancer), but says he isn’t too worried about that, and will correct itself once I balance my immune system.

He basically said, my hormones are off, my liver has given up on me, and is not excreting toxins like it should, and is not taking in nutrients like it should.    Everything is off.

I always thought I was so healthy, but maybe my immune system is the reason for stuff I never thought about before.  So, I have been put on an even more restricted diet.  No fruit now as well, no cold water, only warm foods, no raw vegetables.

As well as taking a bunch of herbal supplements, B-12, Blood purifier, hormone balancing supplements etc.  It is quite an extensive list, but my health is my number 1 priority.

I should have been very upset by this news but I was excited to take on a new challenge, and to fix my body holistically.  I am going back in 1 month for a follow up blood test.

I was talking to G last night, and just felt so thankful!  I was thankful I was an alcoholic, thankful for all the things that happened to lead me to here, just downright thankful for my life and this blog and the people I meet, and the things that are happening around me everyday.

If I never quit drinking, I never would have gone to see that doctor or addressed my poor immune system, my bad nutritional tendencies and a whole host of other things that are transpiring in my life because of this.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!