over 3 months

I haven’t blogged in a while- life has been sooo busy!  I have been doing both the secretary’s and my job since I fired her.  It has been really good.  No more feeling like I have to walk on egg shells in my own office.

Althougcacd6cf6c347a4eeb3891c51daff8192h now I am a lot busier, I am actually a lot more productive, and happier.  Win, win.  I am liking being by myself for now- I am not sure when I will hire again.

I am still sober- and would be over 3 months sober now- minus that 1 day I had some drinks.  I still count it as 3 months going on 4 months sober as I have learnt and grown so much over this period of time.  I am unrecognizable to myself even.

We went to the lake this weekend and I had a good time, paddle boarding, picking berries, went for a long walk with G and the fur babies.  All stuff I NEVER EVER would have done at the lake before.  The lake was to get FUCKED UP Friday-Sunday, come home and die in my bed, feel like shit all day Monday and possibly Tuesday, with the worst anxiety, then finally Wednesday feel better.

Instead we came home Sunday and I cleaned the house, got groceries, set my goals for the week, read, had a bath did a face mask etc. it was awesome!

I also have been waking up at 6am every day, without even trying anymore, and I meditate, stretch, pray and go for a walk or do some yoga every day now.

However, I think I may be going through what the recovery community refers too as PAWS.  Just feeling blah.  I have been angry, irritable, could blow up at anyone, and don’t have any patience.

This too, shall pass!

Cheers to a happy, sober week friends!

Regaining sober momentum

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I am regaining my sober momentum again- and loving it!  This time around I feel even more dedicated, and now I KNOW I can do it- and how much better life is without alcohol.

Although this week is probably a week I would have drank heavily.  I am having problems at work with my Secretary.  She gives me the silent treatment, shes rude and its really affecting my life.  So, I had to fire her yesterday.  And all weekend I had the worst anxiety, I just wanted it over with, and didn’t know how I was going to do it.

Usually I would have come home drank to forget the feelings, or blown up on her or done something stupid.  This time, I sat with the feelings, waited until I calmed down, did the mature adult thing, and fired her nicely.

Today I feel so relieved, the old me would def never have handled this like an adult.  I am way more in tune with who I can and can not have around me, I listen to my instincts and gut feelings and I am much happier.

I also went to the lake this weekend with the fam jam, G and our fur babies.  I really wanted to drink on Saturday, as everyone else was, but I got out on my paddle-board, prayed to God, remembered all the reasons I was sober, and had an amazing time.  At sunset, I felt the wind in my hair, the water on my toes and the sun on my face and in that moment I felt euphoric, like the kind of euphoric I used to get from drinking… it was pure bliss.

I hope there are more moments like that to come!

 

 

My Slip Up

I spent the better part of the weekend feeling like I let myself down.  And my mom.  My mom is so proud of me.  I cried.2ee2ae51a58607e266f3479345765de2

I told my mom on the phone this morning what happened this weekend, and she wasn’t disappointed in me.  She made me realize that I am a human being, an imperfect human being, living in a sinful world.  I am going to make mistakes.  I made a mistake.  She is the best mother in the whole wide world.

And I picked myself back up- dusted myself off- and I am moving on.  I am calling this a slip, not a relapse.  To me, a relapse would be full blown going back into drinking like I was.  I actually think this slip up was supposed to happen for a reason.

I have been upset with G the last couple of days, as I knew it was a bad situation to be putting myself in, and I told him as much the entire week leading up to it.  But he is still young, and still can drink and have fun, and I don’t want to just be this boring, sober girlfriend who is no fun. I think he knows now after this weekend, that I can’t just “not drink” and I know he will def not put me in those situations anymore.  I know he feels badly.  This was a learning experience for both of us.

The reasons I relapsed are very very similar to a lot of people who relapse:

  1. I was not in my “safe” place, I was out of my comfort zone, with a lot of people partying.
  2. I had no cell service at the camp site, and when the voices started in my head, I could not reach out to my mom, the person who would have talked me off the cliff.
  3. I did not partake in my “sober toolkit” as soon as I knew I was headed for trouble
  4. I didn’t listen to my inner intuition, and went anyways.

I explained to G this morning and this weekend that no longer am I going to be around if he so chooses to drink.  If he wants to go out with his buds and tie one on, he can’t have me there too.  Maybe once I am more comfortable in my sobriety, but not yet. I thought I could still be this cool sober chick, that has no problem being around people who are drinking, and me being sober isn’t going to change anything .. but I was wrong.  In fact, the whole time I was there I felt guilty, and I knew I was not being authentic to myself.  It’s either sobriety, or disconnect for me, there is nothing more.

This experience has meant a lot to me.  But its not the end of my recovery.  I am going to strengthen my tools even more, be even more aware of triggers, maybe even start to work the steps.  I know I need to get more serious about this. I am not going to dwell on this, here to another sober beautiful day!!!

 

Relapse

I drank Thursday evening and yesterday Friday. I could feel it coming on.

On the way to the lake I was playing around with the idea the entire time and I knew I was in bad territory. I also even pre-meditated and bought a bottle of wine on the way in case I decided I wanted to have a couple drinks.

But already the anxiety had started around how can I only have a couple. The weekend was good and I did have a good time, better than if I didn’t drink because I felt a part of the group- where every single person was partying hard and having a good time. I did enjoy myself but I did end up drinking too much last night and don’t remember going to bed.

I proved to myself again I do not know how to moderate!

Even if nothing bad happened and mostly it was fun- now I just feel sick about it and guilty.  Today my anxiety has been high again, I puked today and also had the worst hangover ever.

It reminded me why I hate drinking so much. I am using this small set back as a learning experience and a stepping stone and I am trying not to beat myself up about it too much. I relapsed for all the reasons I’ve heard others describe. I put myself in a situation far too early in my sobriety and just even a situation that being sober wouldn’t have been good for me.

I didn’t want to ruin g’s whole summer and I knew he wanted to go, so I went against my better judgement. I will learn from this. It really sucks and hurts to restart my sober streak but at least I am not going to continue drinking from here on out because I blew it. I didn’t blow it. I went 2.5 months sober, longest I have ever gone. I did things and learned so much in that time. It is not all to waste, here’s to a new day 1.