Relapse

I drank Thursday evening and yesterday Friday. I could feel it coming on.

On the way to the lake I was playing around with the idea the entire time and I knew I was in bad territory. I also even pre-meditated and bought a bottle of wine on the way in case I decided I wanted to have a couple drinks.

But already the anxiety had started around how can I only have a couple. The weekend was good and I did have a good time, better than if I didn’t drink because I felt a part of the group- where every single person was partying hard and having a good time. I did enjoy myself but I did end up drinking too much last night and don’t remember going to bed.

I proved to myself again I do not know how to moderate!

Even if nothing bad happened and mostly it was fun- now I just feel sick about it and guilty.  Today my anxiety has been high again, I puked today and also had the worst hangover ever.

It reminded me why I hate drinking so much. I am using this small set back as a learning experience and a stepping stone and I am trying not to beat myself up about it too much. I relapsed for all the reasons I’ve heard others describe. I put myself in a situation far too early in my sobriety and just even a situation that being sober wouldn’t have been good for me.

I didn’t want to ruin g’s whole summer and I knew he wanted to go, so I went against my better judgement. I will learn from this. It really sucks and hurts to restart my sober streak but at least I am not going to continue drinking from here on out because I blew it. I didn’t blow it. I went 2.5 months sober, longest I have ever gone. I did things and learned so much in that time. It is not all to waste, here’s to a new day 1.

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