Day 6- no weed

I have almost gotten to one week without weed!  WOOHOO!!!  I know this time is different.  I don’t even want to smoke weed anymore- something that used to give me such pleasure (or so I thought) I have somehow managed to turn into pain.

Pain of letting myself down.  Pain of not living up to my full potential.  Pain of not being present.  I have been in 2 situations where weed was offered to me over the weekend, and I declined both times.  Not that I didn’t think about it and want it, but I like waking up now knowing I didn’t let myself down.

It is the best feeling in the world. I had a good weekend.  We went to a friends 30th birthday party, where everyone got bombed, but me, usually I would have smoked because it made me feel like at least I wasn’t totally sober.  I actually enjoyed myself much much more without the weed.

I had great convos about religion and spirituality, and I wasn’t nervous or anxious.  Which I usually am, second guessing what I said.

G got a little drunk and emotional about some stuff, which was difficult.  But I didn’t smoke, I wanted to sooo badly, because I HATE feeling emotions.  And its also just a habit- that I am breaking one thread at a time.  Now I just want to feel everything- what can I learn from this?

Tomorrow will be 1 week without weed- 120.00 saved.  I think I will buy myself a little reward!

I have been more irritable then normal- and quick to jump down G’s throat- But thank goodness he knows what I am going through and he is sooooo supportive!!

Also, he kicked weed alongside with me.  He truly is my source of inspiration and support. What an amazing man I was blessed to have.

I have been eating, and sleeping even better then when I smoked up.  I am feeling a little drained and down some days, non energetic.  But that too will pass.  I can’t expect my body to mend in 1 week what I did to it for 12 years.  I have been having the most night sweats ever- like drenched every day when I wake up- but that’s a good thing!

Happy Monday guys! xoxoxox

Day 2 – no weed

Yesterday was my second day without weed.  I was expecting it to go pretty much as it did.

I was really, really tired by the end of the day and I wanted to just lay on my couch and go to sleep, but I knew if I slept then, I would be hooped for sleeping at all during the night.

I was having some pretty uncomfortable and intense anxiety after work yesterday.  I felt like I was having heart palpitations.  I knew it was the detox, and of course I always self medicated my anxiety with weed, so I know it is going to be a lot worse before it gets better.  I just kept telling myself this too shall pass.  I also sat through the uncomfortable feelings for the first time in a very long time.. and they did pass.  I must process my feelings naturally not stuff them down with weed.  I know I still have a lot of healing to do internally.

Maybe TMI but… G and I, had a pretty good love making session when I was having bad anxiety, and it made me fell 90% better.  It must have been from the natural endorphin’s our body produces.  It also made me realize how many times I have been “to lazy” aka “too stoned to care” about having sex.  I love sex.  So this was a plus.

I started on my vision board yesterday, which I am excited to finish, and overall had a pretty peaceful night.  When I have tried quitting previous times, withdrawals have been far far worse.  Although I am def not out of the woods yet.

I surprised myself by eating a bagel for breakfast, and I was actually hungry at lunch today. I think it is because I didn’t pig out up until my bedtime and wake up still full.  I used to not be able to eat anything if I wasn’t smoking weed.

I woke up drenched in sweat, literally drenched.  I am not a sweating type of person, even when I do intense exercise I never get overly sweaty but man, did that sweat stink.

That’s a good sign, the toxins are coming out from 12+ years of being a total stoner.

I had pretty bad anxiety again this morning, but I am trying to replace smoking weed with Yoga and Meditation as I know if I don’t replace it with something to give me the same effects, I could backslide pretty easily.

Did want to mention- I have bad brain fog- not really remembering things I should, and I feel a bit annoyed at people.

Up and away!  Half way through day 3!


Day 1- No Weed

I survived my first day without weed!  I have had a lot of first days without weed though.  I am usually pretty good for a day or two until something stressful happens, then I just say fuck it, because I hate feeling emotions and want to numb them.

Yesterday, my dad’s friend needed help at the ex with his jewelry stand after I already worked a 9 hour shift, but I went to help him anyways.  I didn’t end up getting home until midnight, I was so tired, but also, it kept my mind off not smoking pot.

The other reason I was really pulled to help this man was that last year he got into a really bad accident on the Wichita Turnpike,  jackknifed his trailer, killed his wife (who he did absolutely everything with) and another lady and has had a really hard time.  Just before this he was going through chemotherapy and had his tongue half cut out, he has no saliva glands, and hasn’t eaten anything solid in 15 months.  I have huge compassion for this man, and something was nudging at me to be selfless.

I am sure glad I did, because he said some things that made me think and appreciate what I have, and what a small struggle giving up weed is compared to what he has been through.

I was telling him about how his jewelry is so beautiful and he kinda got this sad look in his eye and he said “I don’t even want to think about all the stuff we lost in the wreck, but it doesn’t even matter, you could take this all away if only I could have that one thing back.”

Meaning his wife.  It broke my heart.  And was a big eye opener for me to appreciate how beautiful my life is, and how fast that can change.

He tried to give me $80 to help him out, I never accepted.  I felt pulled to be there, and I know why.  God had a message for me.

Sometimes we blow up our problems to be huge, when if we just look around, so many people are suffering.  You never know going up to him on the street that this happened to him, we need to treat all people nicely, we never know what they have been through.

Also, I slept last night- and ate- weird huh.  Usually though the withdrawals will be starting tonight…

I purchased a quit weed program- I know, its odd, but strangely it has changed my perception of weed.  It is by Seb Grant, I recommend anyone even just playing with the idea that they would like to stop smoking pot to give it a go.   Its not only for pleasure, there are a lot of downsides too.  The main reason I am quitting is because I just know I am not living up to my full potential.  It is limiting me from the life that I want to live, hinders my confidence and makes me unsure of myself.  These are all things I do not need right now.  I am also putting the $60 per week I spend on pot and it is going towards my yoga teacher training.

Hopefully the rest of the day goes smoothly, if it doesn’t I am not smoking!!!

Sober changes

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Hi lovelies.

I haven’t been blogging much- but I have been working my sobriety!  So much has changed for me this past 4 months.  I am annoying the shit out of my boyfriend because my mind just can not grasp the fact that I have changed this much.  ME?  The party animal, shot taking, weed smoking, don’t give a f*** person I used to be.  ME!!

I keep saying “Can you believe this… or, “Before I quit drinking, NEVER would I go into the office to prep for the week Sunday, have all my house work done, relaxing, doing yoga.” I just can not believe this is ME!!  I am doing this!!!   The me, who has almost survived (I mean thrived) through an entire summer alcohol free.  But yet, this is ME.  The new ME.  The REAL ME.  Before I drowned myself in Alcohol.  I have come to the realization, that I am addicted to pleasure.  Immediate pleasure.  I never worked on things like Yoga, deep breathing, meditation, journaling, etc because I wanted IMMEDIATE pleasure, and it always got me there faster.

I have also cut back so much on weed.  I am much more aware of my bad habits, and how now with weed too I am numbing myself.  And, I also realize how much I depend on it.  I do not want to depend on anything, I want to be free.  I want to only depend on stuff that is within me, not external pleasures.

I know I have put the intention out into the world to be 100% clean body, mind and soul and I know the universe is conspiring to make it happen.  I am becoming less and less interested in smoking weed, and I have begun my journey of kicking the devils lettuce.  Which I also too will document here.  I know that God wants me to sacrifice something as insignificant as weed for the greater good.   I need to know who I am without any substances.   I know that great things are coming my way.  I just have to get out of the way and let God do his part.

I have also gotten so much into yoga, and the way that it has transformed my life, that I have signed up for my yoga teacher training come February.  I am SOOOOO excited.  NEVER would I have been able to make a decision like this if I was drinking.  I was so indecisive, up and down, yes and no, happy and sad, it makes me sad to think about it now.  It costs 4,000 for the training, but I feel deep inside this is my passion and this is where my next journey lies.

like… can you believe I am doing this!? 😉