Back and forth- no weed

Hi Guys,

So yesterday I wrote a blog post about smoking on weekends only.  Which bit me in the ass.  Yesterday, after work G mentioned he wanted to smoke some, and of course it I toyed with it in my mind, but eventually gave in, convincing myself it was OK.  Even though deep down I knew it was a bad idea.

I realized I just do not enjoy it anymore.  I instantly had the insane munchies, and went to shoppers to get ALL the junk food.  I used to be able to control my munchies but now I just can’t anymore.  I had some weird feelings, and felt some pretty trippy shit,  cried about my father potentially passing away (which isn’t happening) and I sat around like a vegetable yesterday.

I wanted to meditate, do yoga, eat healthy etc yesterday, and none of that happened.  I even get so lazy that I do not want to take off my make up, and I eat until I feel so sick.

I woke up this morning moody, irritable, with a bad headache and I just feel so cloudy, it is messed.  My eyes even feel bloodshot still.

This is an eye opener for me, because I don’t even like the way weed makes me feel anymore,  I think I am nostalgic about the way I used to smoke weed, and my ego keeps telling me and scaring me once I get so far without it, I get trapped into smoking again, its fear in my own head, that this is too good to be true.

I believe God is making it unbearable for me to smoke weed now just like he did the alcohol.  He wants my body clean and pure.  I am so much more sure of myself and where I am going and happy and optimistic when I do not smoke.

I get SOOOO self conscious when I smoke now,  I think terrible thoughts about myself, second guess everything, and all my confidence goes out the window.  It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own body.

Those are not good things, the only upside to weed now is it shuts off my brain, but not in a good way.

I am back to no smoking, round 10000000.  I asked G to get rid of all the stuff again, AGAIN.  But each time I am growing and learning so much about my body.  I do not want to smoke weed anymore.

Smoking on weekends

2 weeks back, we went to the lake, and I smoked during the weekend.  At first, I really didn’t like it.  I smoked way too much and was so paranoid about spiders and ridiculous things.  I couldn’t stop worrying, and I ate like literally everything in the kitchen.  I woke up and I felt tired, and irritable and moody all day long.
I smoked again the next day, not as much and I did the night before, but I liked it a bit more, smoking too much weed after not smoking for a while is NOT FUN!!

Some observations of mine while smoking:

  • worrying to much
  • picking out my eyelashes again
  • restless leg syndrome
  • desire to eat everything even way past the point of being comfortable
  • makes me shut off my mind and just relax for once

Then, I didn’t smoke anything through the week and waited until the weekend.  Last weekend I smoked, but I had some crazy epiphanies about my life while I was high, that I do not think I would have had if I didn’t smoke.  I knew I needed to act on my thoughts, and had to fire our new girl, but I was scared.  She was not working out, and I just bought this company, I can’t afford to have the wrong fit.

And now on Wednesday, I have not smoked in 2 days.  I find myself way more clear headed in the mornings, not moody or irritable or still tired from a weed hangover (which is crazy for me, because I was so used to smoking every single day I never thought I noticed a difference, but there is A HUGE difference).

My new plan is to not smoke during the week at all, but only smoke on weekends.  I am so up and down with weed, I just know that I can’t be a daily smoker.  It is a lot easier said than done though, as I did want to smoke yesterday but pulled through.  I just know that if I break my “rules” and start smoking during the week, I have failed my attempt to cut back and then I must resort to full on cold turkey quitting again- because that would mean I have no control.

I know in all due time, at the right time, when God sees fit, I will quit completely.  But for now I am going to smoke on weekends.  I do have a bit of hesitation, because I am not as motivated on weekends and because I also do not want to just stay at home, smoke weed and not socialize…

I am proud of myself though.  No drinks in 5 months, wooohoo!!  That is totally becoming normal for me now, and I have cut back on my weed smoking to only 2x per week, its not perfect, but it is better than I used to be, and to me that is A OK!