So yesterday I wrote a blog post about smoking on weekends only. Which bit me in the ass. Yesterday, after work G mentioned he wanted to smoke some, and of course it I toyed with it in my mind, but eventually gave in, convincing myself it was OK. Even though deep down I knew it was a bad idea.
I realized I just do not enjoy it anymore. I instantly had the insane munchies, and went to shoppers to get ALL the junk food. I used to be able to control my munchies but now I just can’t anymore. I had some weird feelings, and felt some pretty trippy shit, cried about my father potentially passing away (which isn’t happening) and I sat around like a vegetable yesterday.
I wanted to meditate, do yoga, eat healthy etc yesterday, and none of that happened. I even get so lazy that I do not want to take off my make up, and I eat until I feel so sick.
I woke up this morning moody, irritable, with a bad headache and I just feel so cloudy, it is messed. My eyes even feel bloodshot still.
This is an eye opener for me, because I don’t even like the way weed makes me feel anymore, I think I am nostalgic about the way I used to smoke weed, and my ego keeps telling me and scaring me once I get so far without it, I get trapped into smoking again, its fear in my own head, that this is too good to be true.
I believe God is making it unbearable for me to smoke weed now just like he did the alcohol. He wants my body clean and pure. I am so much more sure of myself and where I am going and happy and optimistic when I do not smoke.
I get SOOOO self conscious when I smoke now, I think terrible thoughts about myself, second guess everything, and all my confidence goes out the window. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own body.
Those are not good things, the only upside to weed now is it shuts off my brain, but not in a good way.
I am back to no smoking, round 10000000. I asked G to get rid of all the stuff again, AGAIN. But each time I am growing and learning so much about my body. I do not want to smoke weed anymore.