Total Addict Behavior + Relapse

My name’s Morgan and I am an alcoholic.  Like for real.  And an addict.

I just spent the last month on a relapse.  After 5 1/2 months sober.  I just fell, I didn’t see it coming, I didn’t expect it, and still can’t quite believe it happened considering how happy I was sober.

Now that I have had considerable time sober, going back to your old ways is a horrible, horrible feeling.  I know so much more about the harm i’m doing, how badly it feels now, the shame and regret even worse, because I know now this is not who I want to be.  I have had a taste of the good life shall we say.

I went back full circle, in literally a month.  This MUST be a post I re read if I ever again decide that I can “moderate”, what a joke.

It all started the morning on my best friends wedding dress shopping.  I was of course the only sober person there, they were all drinking sangria, and I had an absolute overwhelming feeling that I was missing out.  All the familiar thoughts wolfie says about “You’re being way to hard on yourself”  “You went 6 months without drinking, you can control yourself”  I just wanted to let loose, and enjoy this special day, feeling buzzed trying on dresses.  For once I was just tired of being sober.  I wanted to get out of my head.  I wanted to fit in, have a good time.

I did not have any at the house, but after when we went out for lunch I couldn’t take it, I said I was ordering wine.

And I did.  And I felt buzzed, and I could loosen up and laugh and be silly.  And I had a good day.  But then I declared to G that I drank, and that night we went out drinking too with some other friends.  I got pretty drunk, don’t remember the rest of the night.

Then, I just decided to hell with it, this is too hard I’m going back to moderate drinking.  I was trying to convince everyone that I just needed time off and could control it.  My mom and G know me too well, but I had to do what I had to do.  There were days when I could control it and have 1, or 2 max and everything was all good.

But mostly, its the day after I am drinking.  If it is a Friday, we go out for drinks, when I wake up Saturday, I still feel kinda drunk, and I just have the OVERWHELMING need to continue drinking.  That is where I always get in to trouble, and do stupid shit, and chug wine from a box, and drink and drive, and lie to G about where I am, come home blacked, and then pass out, miss previous engagements I had plans to go to for a week (all of those things happened this past weekend)

I feel like a piece of shit.

In the past month I have:

  • Went to G’s family thanksgiving (and had to run home to have shots before, but of course G can tell by just looking at me) drunk, and don’t remember most of it
  • Went out drinking with G and his friends and don’t remember the end
  • Lied to G and went to the casino (which I only like to do as an excuse to drink) and got blacked out
  • Got into a drunk argument with a friend (no longer friend, but that is OK, because I have been trying to end our friendship for a while, he is not a good influence on me.)
  • was drinking in my office at work
  • Would start chugging wine, when getting ready to pre game
  • Drank a bottle of wine before a hair appt, (for no reason at all)
  • Passed out drunk
  • Gained all the weight I lost
  • Lost all motivation
  • Depression and anxiety has returned
  • Stopped doing all self love things, like yoga, eating healthy, reading.

All my addict behavior starts up again, the relationship fights, the lying to G about where I am/what I am doing, the drinking and driving, the sneaking, and the guilt and remorse.  We were having such a solid, honest relationship, and now I have def taken that back to a lying, non trusting one, which I am going to have to re build.

I had another Monday like one I claimed I would never have again, I was so depressed and ashamed that I was literally suicidal.  (I would never ever kill myself, but I felt worthless)

I know that I am not meant to drink.  We just don’t get along.  G made a comment to me the other day that said “since the day I have known you, you have been blacked out.”

I think its time for me to grow the fuck up, stop this ridiculous behavior, because he is right.

Thank God for this blog I have, I went back and read of Sept last year struggling, then in Feb struggling, then in May trying again, and that stuck for 5 1/2 months, so this attempt is going to be even longer- and hopefully forever.  I have been struggling with alcohol for years, the problem is the alcohol.  No alcohol = no problem.

They say 90% of people relapse in the first 4 years.  And sometimes it takes a couple serious attempts (this is only my second SERIOUS attempt) for it to click and for it to work.  I am hoping this time it clicks, the pain is too much.

All I do know, is that I DO NOT give up.

By this time next year, I will have 11 months sober out of a whole year, and that is something to be proud of.

Here is to another day 4

I am taking this 1 day at a time.

Thank you GOD for giving me the strength to stay sober today.

 

 

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