Day 5- AGAIN

I have not been here in a while.  I was back to numbing myself, daily.  Great hey.  The funny thing is, I now have my alcohol under control.   But the weed is crazy.

I know that totally sounds like an addict- but its true.  I have the power now to only drink a couple drinks and stop.    I always tell myself, why try and be someone your not, if your shy to go somewhere that’s normal, don’t chug wine first.  And it works!

It is actually the wine that is NOT for me.  1 or at most 2 glasses.  Wine makes me loopy and weird.  Beer does not have the same affect on me.  I can drink them and still be normal.  I realize now why I was always passing out and being an idiot.  I would drink tons of wine, which makes people so sleepy, and then I would smoke weed on top of that and I would literally pass out to the world after that, lights out.  Like DUH!!!  How did I not see this before.  I have even had 1 drink, and then a toke, and was sooo much more drunk after the toke, it was so crazy, like I had been doing that for years.  Mixing especially wine with weed is NOT a good mix.

So, I don’t drink wine when going out anymore, and I don’t smoke weed anymore.  I think that I was just acting like any 25 year old does and was saying I am an alcoholic, blah blah, and I do believe if I hadn’t taken those 6 months off drinking, I would have turned into one forsure.  I am SO glad to have that under control.    Sometimes we need to sit back, evaluate, and deal with the problems that were underlying, and then we can take a new course of action.  I am only 25, I want to enjoy my life.

Today is day 5 off the weed.  I am sick and tired of weed.  weed is not good for me.  I have been smoking weed for 12 years, like grow up.   I am just over it.  I am angry at it.  It is taking my life away.  I am a slave to it.  I want to give up, love making, taking care of myself, meditation, working hard at my new business, yoga, God,  just because weed gets me there instantly.  But it doesn’t get me anywhere, it just gets me up in a cloud of smoke, but my problems are still there.

This week has been tough but I know what to expect I have been here before.  I have at the most only gone 3 weeks not smoking.  I refuse to cave this time .  I gave my brother my bag of weed, and I am going to try and sell my new bong to my other brother.  Then tonight, I kinda thought it would be fun to go somewhere an smash my other two (crappy) bongs, as like a fuck you!!!!

I have been irritable, the most INTENSE night sweats ever, like drenching, had to change clothes twice, had a bad headache yesterday.  But surprisingly, I have been eating decent, not as much as i used too, but pretty good.  I have been having intense dreams too, nightmares, and my sleep has been pretty poor.  But I don’t care.  This is the LAST time I am putting myself through this.

When I have weed everything good, but when I don’t have it then I am irritable, and can’t think about anything but getting weed.  I will do ANYTHING to get it.  I am sick of my moods being dependent on it, and the highs and lows.  I am going to test myself and see how quickly it leaves my body, I am doing everything I can to detox.

I am NEVER putting myself through this again.   I had my time with my friend the devils lettuce, but that time has passed.

Oh , and I am engaged now!!!!  Getting married next March 2nd, so I need to be the happily engaged person I am!

Cheers!