Its so weird because I have my drinking 90% of the time handled. But what about the other 10% where I still drink to excess?
I don’t drink at work anymore, and very rarely the day after. I seem to be able to stop myself most of the time, or drink slow. But I still know drinking 8 beers (which is how high my tolerance is) is not healthy, blackout or not.
This weekend I went to the cabin, and it was the first really nice weekend of the summer, and everyone was drinking, and I of course got blacked out on Friday, and then had anxiety Saturday, so continued to drink.. and blacked out. And peed the bed, and don’t remember anything.
How un-fucking cool. I am getting so pissed off at society who is peddling this shit on us like its cool. Like all the hot movie stars are doing it. I am so angry.
I feel like I have God trying to help me, and the devil at the same time attacking me. I cant seem to do anything right. I have serious anger issues that I need to deal with.
I am getting married in March at an all inclusive destination wedding. Good choice for someone who struggles with their booze. I don’t want to quit completely again, and have to not have a drink at my bachelorette party, or my wedding, but what other choice do I have? Its pretty much that or die. My heart was actually in pain yesterday, like the muscle. I know I have damaged my body way to much with alcohol… I don’t want to continue doing it, but cant imagine not.. I also don’t want to have to go through the whole telling people I am not drinking again, what If I fail again?
I am so angry, and sad, and mad, and just want to write off this life and go start somewhere new. I need a sober friend….
I’m so lost.