The Hamster Wheel

I am addicted to numbing.  I don’t think I am addicted to drugs and alcohol.  I think I am addicted to escaping my current reality from a young age and always just thought I was doing what everyone else was doing.  Having a good time.

Some crazy stuff has happened to me over the last couple of years but it has been a learning experience and I have learnt so much more about myself through this process.

I have been through extreme binge drinking.

I have gone 6 months without alcohol.

I have tried to quit weed over and over and over again.

Some tries lasting for 3 weeks, some for 5 days, some for 1 day.   But always going back.

I have been through a cycle of quitting weed, feeling the anxiety really badly, covering it up with alcohol, and then feeling so bad from the alcohol, deciding weed was less harmful and going back to weed.

Throughout all of this it is the anxiety and social anxiety that is driving me to these crutches.

The thing I thought was calming my anxiety and making my life bearable all these years, the weed, has been the thing that Is actually causing my anxiety.

I don’t believe I would overdrink if I wasn’t constantly carrying around excess anxiety from marijuana every single day.

It is making me paranoid, and when I don’t have the weed and cant be completely numbed out without a care in the world, my anxiety is so high, that going anywhere I have to drink.

I am having another quit with my weed and this time is the final time.  I am doing it right this time.  I am quitting weed, I have already set my quit date, I have even bought cannitrol, a supplement to help with mood and serotonin and withdrawals.

I am doing things I have never done before.  I will be re watching all of seb grants quit weed videos- and also just read a great book called the Secret Addiction.

And this time, I am not going to be replacing the weed with booze.  I am going to get to the source of this, and pick up my yoga and meditation again.

And then when I think that I have effectively dealt with my anxiety I wont have the urge to drink excessively.   And then maybe, I can have a healthy relationship with booze.

Weed makes everything seem so boring and blah.  No pleasure in the everyday little things, and working out, and sunshine and things that other people can find bring them happiness.  Nothings fun unless weed is involved.  I want to get addicted to taking care of myself and my wedding process.

I am beginning to see it all starts with the weed and me not dealing head on with my anxiety’s and stress in fact I am making it 100000% worse with weed, and then using alcohol when I don’t have weed (or cant smoke weed because I am awkward in public).

I also am at the end of the rope health wise.  My lungs hurt, I can barely breathe when I sleep, I have a family of bad asthma, my face isn’t youthful and glowing, my eyes are always tired, I have no motivation to do better myself or do anything but go home and smoke all night long.  And, I no longer can enjoy joints, or pipes.  It HAS to be a huge bong hit- to even do anything to me- and it has to be more than 1.  Even then, I am not getting stoned anymore, just tired.

I am so tired of this hamster wheel.  I have been trying to quit for 5 years.  I know this time is the time I can feel it.  I am finally fed up, at the end of my rope, and I think I can finally stop fantasizing it is this amazing thing I am missing out on, and see it for what it truly is.

I have to associate pain with smoking weed, and pleasure with being completely weed free.

I am getting married in 6 months, going to Jamaica for my best friend wedding in 3 months, my best friend is having a baby.  There are baby showers  and bachelorette parties and so much fun stuff coming up.  I want to be truly present and there for all of it.

These are the best times of my life, and I don’t want to smoke them away anymore.

My quit date is after the August long weekend.  Monday August 7, 2017.

I know if I quit before the long weekend, the temptation there will be too strong.  I can enjoy this one last weekend and then keep my distance for a while when the cravings are at their worst.

 

 

 

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