Well. I’m here. I’m doing it.
I don’t actually have too much to wright about surprisingly. I went to my weekly yoga class on Tuesday, was having some anxiety before.
I wrapped up all my weed utensils, bongs etc., and brought them with me to yoga.
Before I went in I was fantasising about taking a hit, and I even smelt my bong. I was feeling nostalgic and didn’t want to get rid of it. Its been my friend, my crutch through any good day, or bad day.
I went into yoga, and had an amazing class. I left feeling much less anxiety and firm in my decision. I went and threw my bongs and smashed them into the garbage one by one. It was a very liberating feeling, I felt like I was smashing a part of me that I no longer needed to exist.
It was bittersweet though, goodbye stoner girl.
After that, I fell asleep so quick, I was so tired. Its been really weird this quit. I am SO TIRED. Every other time I have quit I have had soooo much energy that I was talking peoples faces off, and acting like I was on speed.
Not this time. My eyes are so tired, I fee so lethargic still. I cant even wake up in the mornings I am still into a deep sleep. The dreams have started, and I know I’m not getting the most restful sleep because of the dreams, and because my body is working hard to detox. I have started the dreaded night sweats again. They are the worst part.
I wake up drenched in sweat, but then when I take the covers off, I am freezing cold, and shivering. I cant get comfortable, and have had to change my clothes multiple times.
Last night I went to the ex with my best friend. We had a really good time. In the past, I would have made up an excuse, or gotten high first and had anxiety. I had this urge to chug some alcohol before I went, just because I was feeling anxious, but I fought the craving and it passed. I did have two beers at the Alessia Cara concert, but felt just tired from them, and had no urge to drink any more. WIN!
I went and had a great time. And I was in the moment. I have been having a lot of stuff surface. Feelings about my parents, and why things cant be different. Feeling sad about a lot of things. Feeling sad about my dad living a life where everyone hates him, and my mom living a life where she isn’t being fulfilled like she should be.
I have felt like crying a couple times over the days. Last night I was thinking about how many times I have missed because I was too drunk to fully be present. I went to a once in a life time concert at Encantara in Phoenix to see Hart, and I was so wasted that I fell asleep outside the porta potty. I missed pretty much the whole show. I have done this to many important times in my life. I went to Vegas, and don’t remember the whole weekend pretty much. Yikes man.
I feel like shit about things like that. I want to be here. I want to remember. I want to experience and not have regrets and shame and guilt at my actions. I think these are all natural things being brought to the surface, I need to deal with these things.
I did have a craving again last night to smoke. It wasn’t really an urge. It was more like, okay I’m home, this would be the time I should smoke weed. But I didn’t, and I fell asleep actually pretty good again last night.
I am not rested today at all and have a bit of anxiety. That’s normal- Its not going to heal overnight. I am going to keep busy. I need to go to the gym today and let out some steam.
My cannitrol pills came, I think they do work. I gave one to my Fiance, who also smokes, but nothing like I did. He would have the tiniest hoot, and then could go days without if need be. But towards the end, he was smoking daily as well. I hate that I got him on weed. I thought it was harmless.
He has been a bit irritable this week, but when he took the pills he mellowed out and he also said it made him feel happier. I am only on day 2, but I think the effects will be much better the longer you take it.
Tomorrow is the weekend, where my real test of will is. I WILL NOT OVERDRINK.