First 24 hours weed free

I just got back from the long weekend- where there was a lot of pot smoking done.

It isn’t even fun for me anymore.  I just smoke, get tired, eat, smoke more, eat more, go to bed.  I find that I am beginning to get so lethargic that anything seems like too much work.

I haven’t been keeping up with healthy eating, exercising, I barely even take my makeup off or brush my teeth before bed anymore.

I vividly remember last summer as being one of the happiest times in my life.  I had such a strong care to get to the bottom of my problems.  I created such a healthy routine that included weekly massages, yoga everyday, tongue scraping, reading and meditating and being present.

I smoked the last of my weed yesterday at around 4pm.   It didn’t even get me high.  I feel guilty when I smoke now.   I did a night time meditation, and used my essential oils to help me do some deep breathing.  I fell asleep relatively easily (I think from being so exhausted from the lake).  I did wake up from 2-4 though and had a hard time going back to sleep.  Always with my constant thoughts that wont go away.  I finally made myself a cup of warm milk, and listened to some more meditation and fell asleep again.

I did sweat a bit last night and I am irritable and tired today.  I have this lethargic feeling like I waked and baked and have that heavy feeling in my eyes.  I could have slept another 10 hours.  I think that’s my body working hard to clean out my system.

I am feeling low key anxious- and have no motivation to do anything.  I feel sad, and don’t really want to socialize or do anything.   I even have this feeling like I should have a couple drinks tonight to take the edge off.  NOPE. Not this time.  If you want what you’ve never had, you’ve got to do what you’ve never done.

I cant wait for my cannitrol pills to get here.

I hope they do something.

My DUI

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For some reason I have not written about a bigggg life changing event that took place in my life 2 years ago.  Which should have been my rock bottom.  I think it was the first of several rock bottoms.

I was still at that stage in my life where drinking shots excessively was an awesome time. I was 23 years old.   I didn’t wake up feeling “oh shit” I woke up feeling “that was fun!”

It happened like any other night- I was drinking heavily with my boyfriend, vodka shots etc.  Stupid girl I am decided it would be a good idea to drive both to and from the party we were at (the next city over).  Of course, I got pulled over, don’t remember much of it, was disrespectful to the police officers, and after a long time they had me at the police department I still would not blow into their breathalyzer (in hindsight I SO wish I had). Costs me more time without a license- and an automatic DUI.

I remember waking up the next morning with the biggest pit in my stomach.  I immediately started laughing (laughing???? who the F*** does that)  I couldn’t believe it was me, the true harshness of my consequences did not set in yet.  But then after I laughed, I cried and I cried hard.

The year that follows was:

  • Lost my license for 1.5 years
  • Had to be driven around by my family when they could, or my boyfriend
  • I felt trapped and isolated where I was and couldn’t ever leave on my own
  • I secretly blamed by BF and said he should have been driving, I got irritable and very very unhappy with my life
  • I spent around 10,000 dollars on lawyers
  • 3,000 on a blow box for my car (that worked 50 % of the time, and barely at all in the -60 winters we get)
  • Had to go to DUI course over a full weekend (which I had to do twice) because I went out drinking the night before the final day, and slept in …. wow…
  • I now have a criminal record

I honestly didn’t think that I was going to make it through that period in my life.  After I got my license back, exactly a year today actually, I vowed I would NEVER drink and drive again.

That DUI was when I really noticed there are some serious consequences, and that drinking is not just fun.  I seriously began to realize I had a problem.  That was when I started trying to stop, cut down, drink slow etc. and realized to my horror I couldn’t.  But I also couldn’t imagine the thought of not drinking again.  I’m 23 for Gods Sake.

I have been trying and failing to quit for a good year now, probably more.  The more I try to control it, the more out of control I get.

I would like to say that was the only time I drank and drove- but it is not.  I used to do it all the time.  The thing that scared me the most, was the last 4 months or so, I began drinking and driving again, which I PROMISED I would never do.  I knew I was going somewhere bad, fast.

I am ashamed thinking of the stuff I’ve done…

But, I KNOW having something so drastic and harsh was supposed to be a big eye opener for me from God, I know he wants more for my life!