First 24 hours weed free

I just got back from the long weekend- where there was a lot of pot smoking done.

It isn’t even fun for me anymore.  I just smoke, get tired, eat, smoke more, eat more, go to bed.  I find that I am beginning to get so lethargic that anything seems like too much work.

I haven’t been keeping up with healthy eating, exercising, I barely even take my makeup off or brush my teeth before bed anymore.

I vividly remember last summer as being one of the happiest times in my life.  I had such a strong care to get to the bottom of my problems.  I created such a healthy routine that included weekly massages, yoga everyday, tongue scraping, reading and meditating and being present.

I smoked the last of my weed yesterday at around 4pm.   It didn’t even get me high.  I feel guilty when I smoke now.   I did a night time meditation, and used my essential oils to help me do some deep breathing.  I fell asleep relatively easily (I think from being so exhausted from the lake).  I did wake up from 2-4 though and had a hard time going back to sleep.  Always with my constant thoughts that wont go away.  I finally made myself a cup of warm milk, and listened to some more meditation and fell asleep again.

I did sweat a bit last night and I am irritable and tired today.  I have this lethargic feeling like I waked and baked and have that heavy feeling in my eyes.  I could have slept another 10 hours.  I think that’s my body working hard to clean out my system.

I am feeling low key anxious- and have no motivation to do anything.  I feel sad, and don’t really want to socialize or do anything.   I even have this feeling like I should have a couple drinks tonight to take the edge off.  NOPE. Not this time.  If you want what you’ve never had, you’ve got to do what you’ve never done.

I cant wait for my cannitrol pills to get here.

I hope they do something.

The Hamster Wheel

I am addicted to numbing.  I don’t think I am addicted to drugs and alcohol.  I think I am addicted to escaping my current reality from a young age and always just thought I was doing what everyone else was doing.  Having a good time.

Some crazy stuff has happened to me over the last couple of years but it has been a learning experience and I have learnt so much more about myself through this process.

I have been through extreme binge drinking.

I have gone 6 months without alcohol.

I have tried to quit weed over and over and over again.

Some tries lasting for 3 weeks, some for 5 days, some for 1 day.   But always going back.

I have been through a cycle of quitting weed, feeling the anxiety really badly, covering it up with alcohol, and then feeling so bad from the alcohol, deciding weed was less harmful and going back to weed.

Throughout all of this it is the anxiety and social anxiety that is driving me to these crutches.

The thing I thought was calming my anxiety and making my life bearable all these years, the weed, has been the thing that Is actually causing my anxiety.

I don’t believe I would overdrink if I wasn’t constantly carrying around excess anxiety from marijuana every single day.

It is making me paranoid, and when I don’t have the weed and cant be completely numbed out without a care in the world, my anxiety is so high, that going anywhere I have to drink.

I am having another quit with my weed and this time is the final time.  I am doing it right this time.  I am quitting weed, I have already set my quit date, I have even bought cannitrol, a supplement to help with mood and serotonin and withdrawals.

I am doing things I have never done before.  I will be re watching all of seb grants quit weed videos- and also just read a great book called the Secret Addiction.

And this time, I am not going to be replacing the weed with booze.  I am going to get to the source of this, and pick up my yoga and meditation again.

And then when I think that I have effectively dealt with my anxiety I wont have the urge to drink excessively.   And then maybe, I can have a healthy relationship with booze.

Weed makes everything seem so boring and blah.  No pleasure in the everyday little things, and working out, and sunshine and things that other people can find bring them happiness.  Nothings fun unless weed is involved.  I want to get addicted to taking care of myself and my wedding process.

I am beginning to see it all starts with the weed and me not dealing head on with my anxiety’s and stress in fact I am making it 100000% worse with weed, and then using alcohol when I don’t have weed (or cant smoke weed because I am awkward in public).

I also am at the end of the rope health wise.  My lungs hurt, I can barely breathe when I sleep, I have a family of bad asthma, my face isn’t youthful and glowing, my eyes are always tired, I have no motivation to do better myself or do anything but go home and smoke all night long.  And, I no longer can enjoy joints, or pipes.  It HAS to be a huge bong hit- to even do anything to me- and it has to be more than 1.  Even then, I am not getting stoned anymore, just tired.

I am so tired of this hamster wheel.  I have been trying to quit for 5 years.  I know this time is the time I can feel it.  I am finally fed up, at the end of my rope, and I think I can finally stop fantasizing it is this amazing thing I am missing out on, and see it for what it truly is.

I have to associate pain with smoking weed, and pleasure with being completely weed free.

I am getting married in 6 months, going to Jamaica for my best friend wedding in 3 months, my best friend is having a baby.  There are baby showers  and bachelorette parties and so much fun stuff coming up.  I want to be truly present and there for all of it.

These are the best times of my life, and I don’t want to smoke them away anymore.

My quit date is after the August long weekend.  Monday August 7, 2017.

I know if I quit before the long weekend, the temptation there will be too strong.  I can enjoy this one last weekend and then keep my distance for a while when the cravings are at their worst.

 

 

 

Yoga- Heals on all levels

I dabbled into my first yoga class about 2 months before I got sober, and have been going religiously ever since.  I believe beginning my yoga practice around that time was meant to happen (as I believe everything happens for a reason).  I believe yoga helped me get sober, and is helping to keep me sober.  Yoga is now a huge tool in recovery for me.

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The ways yoga has benefited me are endless.

  1. I can quite my mind and give back to my body for 1 hour a day, and everything else sits outside the door.
  2. I feel so light and happy when I leave yoga
  3. I know I am doing my body, mind and soul wonders
  4. I am SO MUCH more flexible, and thoroughly enjoy stretching now
  5. My confidence has sky rocketed- each new pose I can do or the further in my splits I get, I feel a great sense of accomplishment
  6. It is restorative and leaves you feeling rejuvenated
  7. Helps to uncover emotional blocks and feelings we have buried deep down (so critical in recovery)
  8. Teaches me to sit through discomfort instead of running from it
  9. Stretches out my hips, joints, ligaments and any stress hidden in those areas
  10. Helps you to connect with people maybe you normally wouldn’t (not my party friends)
  11. Yoga is transformative, and many addicts need to replace old wounds and hurts with new joy and happiness.
  12. Yoga teaches me discipline, and to be patient
  13. Is a GREAT stress and anxiety reliever
  14. Yoga makes you feel POWERFUL- and like I can take on any new challenge
  15. Yoga makes me feel whole again

These are just SOME of the benefits I have noticed since I started yoga. I incorporate it with my weightlifting and cardio and it gives me a wonderful feeling of balance in all areas.

Cheers to yoga!

Much love, xo