First 24 hours weed free

I just got back from the long weekend- where there was a lot of pot smoking done.

It isn’t even fun for me anymore.  I just smoke, get tired, eat, smoke more, eat more, go to bed.  I find that I am beginning to get so lethargic that anything seems like too much work.

I haven’t been keeping up with healthy eating, exercising, I barely even take my makeup off or brush my teeth before bed anymore.

I vividly remember last summer as being one of the happiest times in my life.  I had such a strong care to get to the bottom of my problems.  I created such a healthy routine that included weekly massages, yoga everyday, tongue scraping, reading and meditating and being present.

I smoked the last of my weed yesterday at around 4pm.   It didn’t even get me high.  I feel guilty when I smoke now.   I did a night time meditation, and used my essential oils to help me do some deep breathing.  I fell asleep relatively easily (I think from being so exhausted from the lake).  I did wake up from 2-4 though and had a hard time going back to sleep.  Always with my constant thoughts that wont go away.  I finally made myself a cup of warm milk, and listened to some more meditation and fell asleep again.

I did sweat a bit last night and I am irritable and tired today.  I have this lethargic feeling like I waked and baked and have that heavy feeling in my eyes.  I could have slept another 10 hours.  I think that’s my body working hard to clean out my system.

I am feeling low key anxious- and have no motivation to do anything.  I feel sad, and don’t really want to socialize or do anything.   I even have this feeling like I should have a couple drinks tonight to take the edge off.  NOPE. Not this time.  If you want what you’ve never had, you’ve got to do what you’ve never done.

I cant wait for my cannitrol pills to get here.

I hope they do something.

The Hamster Wheel

I am addicted to numbing.  I don’t think I am addicted to drugs and alcohol.  I think I am addicted to escaping my current reality from a young age and always just thought I was doing what everyone else was doing.  Having a good time.

Some crazy stuff has happened to me over the last couple of years but it has been a learning experience and I have learnt so much more about myself through this process.

I have been through extreme binge drinking.

I have gone 6 months without alcohol.

I have tried to quit weed over and over and over again.

Some tries lasting for 3 weeks, some for 5 days, some for 1 day.   But always going back.

I have been through a cycle of quitting weed, feeling the anxiety really badly, covering it up with alcohol, and then feeling so bad from the alcohol, deciding weed was less harmful and going back to weed.

Throughout all of this it is the anxiety and social anxiety that is driving me to these crutches.

The thing I thought was calming my anxiety and making my life bearable all these years, the weed, has been the thing that Is actually causing my anxiety.

I don’t believe I would overdrink if I wasn’t constantly carrying around excess anxiety from marijuana every single day.

It is making me paranoid, and when I don’t have the weed and cant be completely numbed out without a care in the world, my anxiety is so high, that going anywhere I have to drink.

I am having another quit with my weed and this time is the final time.  I am doing it right this time.  I am quitting weed, I have already set my quit date, I have even bought cannitrol, a supplement to help with mood and serotonin and withdrawals.

I am doing things I have never done before.  I will be re watching all of seb grants quit weed videos- and also just read a great book called the Secret Addiction.

And this time, I am not going to be replacing the weed with booze.  I am going to get to the source of this, and pick up my yoga and meditation again.

And then when I think that I have effectively dealt with my anxiety I wont have the urge to drink excessively.   And then maybe, I can have a healthy relationship with booze.

Weed makes everything seem so boring and blah.  No pleasure in the everyday little things, and working out, and sunshine and things that other people can find bring them happiness.  Nothings fun unless weed is involved.  I want to get addicted to taking care of myself and my wedding process.

I am beginning to see it all starts with the weed and me not dealing head on with my anxiety’s and stress in fact I am making it 100000% worse with weed, and then using alcohol when I don’t have weed (or cant smoke weed because I am awkward in public).

I also am at the end of the rope health wise.  My lungs hurt, I can barely breathe when I sleep, I have a family of bad asthma, my face isn’t youthful and glowing, my eyes are always tired, I have no motivation to do better myself or do anything but go home and smoke all night long.  And, I no longer can enjoy joints, or pipes.  It HAS to be a huge bong hit- to even do anything to me- and it has to be more than 1.  Even then, I am not getting stoned anymore, just tired.

I am so tired of this hamster wheel.  I have been trying to quit for 5 years.  I know this time is the time I can feel it.  I am finally fed up, at the end of my rope, and I think I can finally stop fantasizing it is this amazing thing I am missing out on, and see it for what it truly is.

I have to associate pain with smoking weed, and pleasure with being completely weed free.

I am getting married in 6 months, going to Jamaica for my best friend wedding in 3 months, my best friend is having a baby.  There are baby showers  and bachelorette parties and so much fun stuff coming up.  I want to be truly present and there for all of it.

These are the best times of my life, and I don’t want to smoke them away anymore.

My quit date is after the August long weekend.  Monday August 7, 2017.

I know if I quit before the long weekend, the temptation there will be too strong.  I can enjoy this one last weekend and then keep my distance for a while when the cravings are at their worst.

 

 

 

Pink cloud + Homeopathy

749-relax-and-succeed-if-you-listen-to-your-body

I am feeling amazing since my caffeine detox ended.   I am 46 days sober, almost a week without sugar, dairy, gluten, caffeine, soy etc.  and I must say, I do feel a lot better.  I have been having sugar cravings, but somehow I have managed to resist them.

I went to a homeopathic doctor for the first time yesterday.  I am very into all natural household stuff, beauty products and holistic living.

I wanted to go to get a blood analysis, and to see from a different doctors perspective how my health is.  Especially because I have ditched so many of the unhealthy things I put into my body.

Boy, was I in for a shock.  He took the vile of my blood, and put it under the microscope so that I could see what it looked like on the big projector.  I could see that my red blood cells were clumping together,  a lot of them had no oxygen in the middle, and were not moving barely at all.  This is bad news. The doctor explained that I have clumping of the red blood cells, which is an extremely compromised immune system, and leads to many diseases.

He says it affects carrying oxygen to the blood, compromises my muscular and skeletal system, because I am not absorbing nutrients, minerals and calcium into my bones.  It is also not absorbing yeast, fungi, and calcium so I have calcium build up, fungi strands and yeast chains all over my insides.

He also noticed I have free radicals floating in my bowels (which lead to cancer), but says he isn’t too worried about that, and will correct itself once I balance my immune system.

He basically said, my hormones are off, my liver has given up on me, and is not excreting toxins like it should, and is not taking in nutrients like it should.    Everything is off.

I always thought I was so healthy, but maybe my immune system is the reason for stuff I never thought about before.  So, I have been put on an even more restricted diet.  No fruit now as well, no cold water, only warm foods, no raw vegetables.

As well as taking a bunch of herbal supplements, B-12, Blood purifier, hormone balancing supplements etc.  It is quite an extensive list, but my health is my number 1 priority.

I should have been very upset by this news but I was excited to take on a new challenge, and to fix my body holistically.  I am going back in 1 month for a follow up blood test.

I was talking to G last night, and just felt so thankful!  I was thankful I was an alcoholic, thankful for all the things that happened to lead me to here, just downright thankful for my life and this blog and the people I meet, and the things that are happening around me everyday.

If I never quit drinking, I never would have gone to see that doctor or addressed my poor immune system, my bad nutritional tendencies and a whole host of other things that are transpiring in my life because of this.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!

 

 

 

On the right track

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I have a deep understanding that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.   I know I am following a path to be a better person.  I am getting little signs from Him everyday.   Everyday that I wake up, another day added to my sober streak- I feel a huge sense of pride.  Now, being on day 3 without caffeine, that too, is becoming easier.  Three days without putting junk in my body.

I am realizing new things about myself everyday through this journey.  I am so thankful to be in this place, finally, after so much struggle.  I can see that there is a better way to live, and one I don’t have to be ashamed of.  I am liking who I am becoming. I am proud of me, I am taking care of myself and listening to myself, for perhaps the first time in my life.

Yipeeeee!!!

 

Yoga- Heals on all levels

I dabbled into my first yoga class about 2 months before I got sober, and have been going religiously ever since.  I believe beginning my yoga practice around that time was meant to happen (as I believe everything happens for a reason).  I believe yoga helped me get sober, and is helping to keep me sober.  Yoga is now a huge tool in recovery for me.

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The ways yoga has benefited me are endless.

  1. I can quite my mind and give back to my body for 1 hour a day, and everything else sits outside the door.
  2. I feel so light and happy when I leave yoga
  3. I know I am doing my body, mind and soul wonders
  4. I am SO MUCH more flexible, and thoroughly enjoy stretching now
  5. My confidence has sky rocketed- each new pose I can do or the further in my splits I get, I feel a great sense of accomplishment
  6. It is restorative and leaves you feeling rejuvenated
  7. Helps to uncover emotional blocks and feelings we have buried deep down (so critical in recovery)
  8. Teaches me to sit through discomfort instead of running from it
  9. Stretches out my hips, joints, ligaments and any stress hidden in those areas
  10. Helps you to connect with people maybe you normally wouldn’t (not my party friends)
  11. Yoga is transformative, and many addicts need to replace old wounds and hurts with new joy and happiness.
  12. Yoga teaches me discipline, and to be patient
  13. Is a GREAT stress and anxiety reliever
  14. Yoga makes you feel POWERFUL- and like I can take on any new challenge
  15. Yoga makes me feel whole again

These are just SOME of the benefits I have noticed since I started yoga. I incorporate it with my weightlifting and cardio and it gives me a wonderful feeling of balance in all areas.

Cheers to yoga!

Much love, xo

 

4 weeks sober!

Hello!

As you can see from my last post, I didn’t succeed in kicking the evil drink, THAT TIME.  I have however, had more bad experiences drinking since then, aka. Hawaii and Phoenix (ironic right!?)

BUT.

It has been 4 week since my last drink.  This time I can feel it.  It’s the final time.  I have never in my life gone 4 whole weeks without drinking since I was 13 years old.

IT FEELS AWESOME.

But, oh it hasn’t been easy thus far.

In Phoenix, I ended up drinking far too much, not treating my boyfriend in an ideal way, fell off a bike and really hurt myself, couldn’t find my way home, and also was verbally abusive with some people I have issues with.  I wanted to die when I woke up the next morning.

I puked in 20 second intervals, all day long.  Couldn’t keep water down, anxiety was ripping my heart apart.  My poor boyfriend.  I tell him time and time again, this is it, I’m done.  He knows better.

But this time I mean’t it.  The whole rest of the trip I allowed everyone else to continue on drinking, enjoying time in the sun and beach, and I stayed sober!

I need to prove with my actions and not my words that I mean business.

I am proud of myself!!!  This past month I survived:

  • My best friends 24th birthday sober
  • My other friends 25th PUBCRAWL (I didn’t handle it exactly the way I imagined in my brain, everyone was doing shots and partying, even my boyfriend and I ended up being upset with him about it (irrelevant, but I thought he should have been supporting me more)
  • The WHO concert
  • Rest of my vacation in Mexico/Phoenix

Even though some of these things were hard, I  got through them, and I woke up sober!

That is something to be grateful for.  Oh and all my friends can’t believe my will power 🙂

Much Love, xo

Week 1-My Sober Journey

work in progress

I originally started this blog with intent to document my personal journey discovering my higher power and passions.  Now adding to this blog- I am going to document my sober journey in helps to keep myself motivated and accountable- and maybe in hopes of making some new sober connections 🙂

I have always struggled with alcohol- from a very early age.  Alcohol was around me everywhere.  I drank to get DRUNK with friends, and continued this reckless behavior into my mid-twenties.  Something about falling asleep, embarrassing myself and my boyfriend, feeling regret, shame and dealing with hangovers is no longer “just a good time” , “everyone is doing it”.  I become someone I do not like when I drink.  I am more argumentative, and selfish, and I just have a tunnel vision focus on one thing- get more alcohol to get you to that lovely, lushy drunk feeling you love oh so much.

After my last blackout- don’t worry I’ll let you in on all the dirty details later 😉  I have decided enough is enough.

This past weekend I survived my first weekend sans alcohol.  It went seemingly smooth considering it was a long weekend- Monday off from work- and Valentine’s weekend.  Both excuses I would have used to get bombed, and most likely fall asleep and ruin the entire weekend for my boyfriend.  Nope not this weekend.  We attended a fishing derby, went out for a great sushi valentines dinner, went to the dog park with our fur babies and watched tons of new films 🙂

I am quite proud of myself!

I have a vacation to Hawaii coming up in 10 days that is wearing on my mind.  I keep having the pesky little addict in me saying “come on, your going to be on vacation, you can enjoy a drink and control yourself”… but I don’t want to test those waters, as I KNOW I will enjoy the holiday probably more without the not knowing whats going to happen and horrible headaches.

Much love, xo