My name’s Morgan and I am an alcoholic. Like for real. And an addict.
I just spent the last month on a relapse. After 5 1/2 months sober. I just fell, I didn’t see it coming, I didn’t expect it, and still can’t quite believe it happened considering how happy I was sober.
Now that I have had considerable time sober, going back to your old ways is a horrible, horrible feeling. I know so much more about the harm i’m doing, how badly it feels now, the shame and regret even worse, because I know now this is not who I want to be. I have had a taste of the good life shall we say.
I went back full circle, in literally a month. This MUST be a post I re read if I ever again decide that I can “moderate”, what a joke.
It all started the morning on my best friends wedding dress shopping. I was of course the only sober person there, they were all drinking sangria, and I had an absolute overwhelming feeling that I was missing out. All the familiar thoughts wolfie says about “You’re being way to hard on yourself” “You went 6 months without drinking, you can control yourself” I just wanted to let loose, and enjoy this special day, feeling buzzed trying on dresses. For once I was just tired of being sober. I wanted to get out of my head. I wanted to fit in, have a good time.
I did not have any at the house, but after when we went out for lunch I couldn’t take it, I said I was ordering wine.
And I did. And I felt buzzed, and I could loosen up and laugh and be silly. And I had a good day. But then I declared to G that I drank, and that night we went out drinking too with some other friends. I got pretty drunk, don’t remember the rest of the night.
Then, I just decided to hell with it, this is too hard I’m going back to moderate drinking. I was trying to convince everyone that I just needed time off and could control it. My mom and G know me too well, but I had to do what I had to do. There were days when I could control it and have 1, or 2 max and everything was all good.
But mostly, its the day after I am drinking. If it is a Friday, we go out for drinks, when I wake up Saturday, I still feel kinda drunk, and I just have the OVERWHELMING need to continue drinking. That is where I always get in to trouble, and do stupid shit, and chug wine from a box, and drink and drive, and lie to G about where I am, come home blacked, and then pass out, miss previous engagements I had plans to go to for a week (all of those things happened this past weekend)
I feel like a piece of shit.
In the past month I have:
- Went to G’s family thanksgiving (and had to run home to have shots before, but of course G can tell by just looking at me) drunk, and don’t remember most of it
- Went out drinking with G and his friends and don’t remember the end
- Lied to G and went to the casino (which I only like to do as an excuse to drink) and got blacked out
- Got into a drunk argument with a friend (no longer friend, but that is OK, because I have been trying to end our friendship for a while, he is not a good influence on me.)
- was drinking in my office at work
- Would start chugging wine, when getting ready to pre game
- Drank a bottle of wine before a hair appt, (for no reason at all)
- Passed out drunk
- Gained all the weight I lost
- Lost all motivation
- Depression and anxiety has returned
- Stopped doing all self love things, like yoga, eating healthy, reading.
All my addict behavior starts up again, the relationship fights, the lying to G about where I am/what I am doing, the drinking and driving, the sneaking, and the guilt and remorse. We were having such a solid, honest relationship, and now I have def taken that back to a lying, non trusting one, which I am going to have to re build.
I had another Monday like one I claimed I would never have again, I was so depressed and ashamed that I was literally suicidal. (I would never ever kill myself, but I felt worthless)
I know that I am not meant to drink. We just don’t get along. G made a comment to me the other day that said “since the day I have known you, you have been blacked out.”
I think its time for me to grow the fuck up, stop this ridiculous behavior, because he is right.
Thank God for this blog I have, I went back and read of Sept last year struggling, then in Feb struggling, then in May trying again, and that stuck for 5 1/2 months, so this attempt is going to be even longer- and hopefully forever. I have been struggling with alcohol for years, the problem is the alcohol. No alcohol = no problem.
They say 90% of people relapse in the first 4 years. And sometimes it takes a couple serious attempts (this is only my second SERIOUS attempt) for it to click and for it to work. I am hoping this time it clicks, the pain is too much.
All I do know, is that I DO NOT give up.
By this time next year, I will have 11 months sober out of a whole year, and that is something to be proud of.
Here is to another day 4
I am taking this 1 day at a time.
Thank you GOD for giving me the strength to stay sober today.