February 1st-2 weeks

I made it to two weeks.  I did actually feel really sick on Sunday morning, and I knew if I had a tiny hoot I would feel a lot better, so I did just one hit off a joint, and I didn’t feel better, and I felt guilty.

I am going to say that was a small slip up- as since that, and it is Wednesday now, I haven’t touched it.   But I realize how even 1 day of smoking, makes you wanna say fuck it, as Monday, I almost felt like I was starting at day 1 again, but I pushed through, So basically, 2 weeks off.  I did start drinking last week, as I love to numb, but caught myself and haven’t had any drinks since the weekend, I want to make sure I don’t quit weed and then start drinking heavily again.

I am very aware of cross addiction, and I am trying super hard not to do that.  I am going to try to get addicted to working out instead.

I have been ANGRY and irritable, at literally everything.  My brain races, makes me stay up all night regretting things I have said/done.  I know that doesn’t get me anywhere but its the truth.  I finally got my first good nights sleep last night but I still feel tired.  And cant focus.  At all, If I didn’t own my own business I think i would probably be fired.  I don’t have much motivation to do anything.  I also have this dull ache in my head for about 3 days now. Exercise seemed to help it, and sitting in the sauna yesterday, but then I woke up again this morning with the same dull ache.

I snapped at my Fiance, for 3 days straight.  I actually just texted him and said I am so sorry, just ignore me, I have always stuffed down my anger issues with weed and it is all coming up.

One thing  I am happy about is that my lungs are clearing out.  I have never in my life horked up black stuff before, but I did today.  Even though that is gross, I know my lungs are getting rid of the 12 years of tar.

I did a drug home test last week, and it tested definitely positive.  I am going to wait another week and then do another, just because of that small hoot I had, probably set me back.

I am still waking up drenched in sweat, having vivid back dreams.  I wonder how long this all will last?

I am 1 week away from the longest I have gone without weed and I love it.  Its like being re born, all these new things happening.

 

Day 5- AGAIN

I have not been here in a while.  I was back to numbing myself, daily.  Great hey.  The funny thing is, I now have my alcohol under control.   But the weed is crazy.

I know that totally sounds like an addict- but its true.  I have the power now to only drink a couple drinks and stop.    I always tell myself, why try and be someone your not, if your shy to go somewhere that’s normal, don’t chug wine first.  And it works!

It is actually the wine that is NOT for me.  1 or at most 2 glasses.  Wine makes me loopy and weird.  Beer does not have the same affect on me.  I can drink them and still be normal.  I realize now why I was always passing out and being an idiot.  I would drink tons of wine, which makes people so sleepy, and then I would smoke weed on top of that and I would literally pass out to the world after that, lights out.  Like DUH!!!  How did I not see this before.  I have even had 1 drink, and then a toke, and was sooo much more drunk after the toke, it was so crazy, like I had been doing that for years.  Mixing especially wine with weed is NOT a good mix.

So, I don’t drink wine when going out anymore, and I don’t smoke weed anymore.  I think that I was just acting like any 25 year old does and was saying I am an alcoholic, blah blah, and I do believe if I hadn’t taken those 6 months off drinking, I would have turned into one forsure.  I am SO glad to have that under control.    Sometimes we need to sit back, evaluate, and deal with the problems that were underlying, and then we can take a new course of action.  I am only 25, I want to enjoy my life.

Today is day 5 off the weed.  I am sick and tired of weed.  weed is not good for me.  I have been smoking weed for 12 years, like grow up.   I am just over it.  I am angry at it.  It is taking my life away.  I am a slave to it.  I want to give up, love making, taking care of myself, meditation, working hard at my new business, yoga, God,  just because weed gets me there instantly.  But it doesn’t get me anywhere, it just gets me up in a cloud of smoke, but my problems are still there.

This week has been tough but I know what to expect I have been here before.  I have at the most only gone 3 weeks not smoking.  I refuse to cave this time .  I gave my brother my bag of weed, and I am going to try and sell my new bong to my other brother.  Then tonight, I kinda thought it would be fun to go somewhere an smash my other two (crappy) bongs, as like a fuck you!!!!

I have been irritable, the most INTENSE night sweats ever, like drenching, had to change clothes twice, had a bad headache yesterday.  But surprisingly, I have been eating decent, not as much as i used too, but pretty good.  I have been having intense dreams too, nightmares, and my sleep has been pretty poor.  But I don’t care.  This is the LAST time I am putting myself through this.

When I have weed everything good, but when I don’t have it then I am irritable, and can’t think about anything but getting weed.  I will do ANYTHING to get it.  I am sick of my moods being dependent on it, and the highs and lows.  I am going to test myself and see how quickly it leaves my body, I am doing everything I can to detox.

I am NEVER putting myself through this again.   I had my time with my friend the devils lettuce, but that time has passed.

Oh , and I am engaged now!!!!  Getting married next March 2nd, so I need to be the happily engaged person I am!

Cheers!

 

Total Addict Behavior + Relapse

My name’s Morgan and I am an alcoholic.  Like for real.  And an addict.

I just spent the last month on a relapse.  After 5 1/2 months sober.  I just fell, I didn’t see it coming, I didn’t expect it, and still can’t quite believe it happened considering how happy I was sober.

Now that I have had considerable time sober, going back to your old ways is a horrible, horrible feeling.  I know so much more about the harm i’m doing, how badly it feels now, the shame and regret even worse, because I know now this is not who I want to be.  I have had a taste of the good life shall we say.

I went back full circle, in literally a month.  This MUST be a post I re read if I ever again decide that I can “moderate”, what a joke.

It all started the morning on my best friends wedding dress shopping.  I was of course the only sober person there, they were all drinking sangria, and I had an absolute overwhelming feeling that I was missing out.  All the familiar thoughts wolfie says about “You’re being way to hard on yourself”  “You went 6 months without drinking, you can control yourself”  I just wanted to let loose, and enjoy this special day, feeling buzzed trying on dresses.  For once I was just tired of being sober.  I wanted to get out of my head.  I wanted to fit in, have a good time.

I did not have any at the house, but after when we went out for lunch I couldn’t take it, I said I was ordering wine.

And I did.  And I felt buzzed, and I could loosen up and laugh and be silly.  And I had a good day.  But then I declared to G that I drank, and that night we went out drinking too with some other friends.  I got pretty drunk, don’t remember the rest of the night.

Then, I just decided to hell with it, this is too hard I’m going back to moderate drinking.  I was trying to convince everyone that I just needed time off and could control it.  My mom and G know me too well, but I had to do what I had to do.  There were days when I could control it and have 1, or 2 max and everything was all good.

But mostly, its the day after I am drinking.  If it is a Friday, we go out for drinks, when I wake up Saturday, I still feel kinda drunk, and I just have the OVERWHELMING need to continue drinking.  That is where I always get in to trouble, and do stupid shit, and chug wine from a box, and drink and drive, and lie to G about where I am, come home blacked, and then pass out, miss previous engagements I had plans to go to for a week (all of those things happened this past weekend)

I feel like a piece of shit.

In the past month I have:

  • Went to G’s family thanksgiving (and had to run home to have shots before, but of course G can tell by just looking at me) drunk, and don’t remember most of it
  • Went out drinking with G and his friends and don’t remember the end
  • Lied to G and went to the casino (which I only like to do as an excuse to drink) and got blacked out
  • Got into a drunk argument with a friend (no longer friend, but that is OK, because I have been trying to end our friendship for a while, he is not a good influence on me.)
  • was drinking in my office at work
  • Would start chugging wine, when getting ready to pre game
  • Drank a bottle of wine before a hair appt, (for no reason at all)
  • Passed out drunk
  • Gained all the weight I lost
  • Lost all motivation
  • Depression and anxiety has returned
  • Stopped doing all self love things, like yoga, eating healthy, reading.

All my addict behavior starts up again, the relationship fights, the lying to G about where I am/what I am doing, the drinking and driving, the sneaking, and the guilt and remorse.  We were having such a solid, honest relationship, and now I have def taken that back to a lying, non trusting one, which I am going to have to re build.

I had another Monday like one I claimed I would never have again, I was so depressed and ashamed that I was literally suicidal.  (I would never ever kill myself, but I felt worthless)

I know that I am not meant to drink.  We just don’t get along.  G made a comment to me the other day that said “since the day I have known you, you have been blacked out.”

I think its time for me to grow the fuck up, stop this ridiculous behavior, because he is right.

Thank God for this blog I have, I went back and read of Sept last year struggling, then in Feb struggling, then in May trying again, and that stuck for 5 1/2 months, so this attempt is going to be even longer- and hopefully forever.  I have been struggling with alcohol for years, the problem is the alcohol.  No alcohol = no problem.

They say 90% of people relapse in the first 4 years.  And sometimes it takes a couple serious attempts (this is only my second SERIOUS attempt) for it to click and for it to work.  I am hoping this time it clicks, the pain is too much.

All I do know, is that I DO NOT give up.

By this time next year, I will have 11 months sober out of a whole year, and that is something to be proud of.

Here is to another day 4

I am taking this 1 day at a time.

Thank you GOD for giving me the strength to stay sober today.

 

 

Back and forth- no weed

Hi Guys,

So yesterday I wrote a blog post about smoking on weekends only.  Which bit me in the ass.  Yesterday, after work G mentioned he wanted to smoke some, and of course it I toyed with it in my mind, but eventually gave in, convincing myself it was OK.  Even though deep down I knew it was a bad idea.

I realized I just do not enjoy it anymore.  I instantly had the insane munchies, and went to shoppers to get ALL the junk food.  I used to be able to control my munchies but now I just can’t anymore.  I had some weird feelings, and felt some pretty trippy shit,  cried about my father potentially passing away (which isn’t happening) and I sat around like a vegetable yesterday.

I wanted to meditate, do yoga, eat healthy etc yesterday, and none of that happened.  I even get so lazy that I do not want to take off my make up, and I eat until I feel so sick.

I woke up this morning moody, irritable, with a bad headache and I just feel so cloudy, it is messed.  My eyes even feel bloodshot still.

This is an eye opener for me, because I don’t even like the way weed makes me feel anymore,  I think I am nostalgic about the way I used to smoke weed, and my ego keeps telling me and scaring me once I get so far without it, I get trapped into smoking again, its fear in my own head, that this is too good to be true.

I believe God is making it unbearable for me to smoke weed now just like he did the alcohol.  He wants my body clean and pure.  I am so much more sure of myself and where I am going and happy and optimistic when I do not smoke.

I get SOOOO self conscious when I smoke now,  I think terrible thoughts about myself, second guess everything, and all my confidence goes out the window.  It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own body.

Those are not good things, the only upside to weed now is it shuts off my brain, but not in a good way.

I am back to no smoking, round 10000000.  I asked G to get rid of all the stuff again, AGAIN.  But each time I am growing and learning so much about my body.  I do not want to smoke weed anymore.

Smoking on weekends

2 weeks back, we went to the lake, and I smoked during the weekend.  At first, I really didn’t like it.  I smoked way too much and was so paranoid about spiders and ridiculous things.  I couldn’t stop worrying, and I ate like literally everything in the kitchen.  I woke up and I felt tired, and irritable and moody all day long.
I smoked again the next day, not as much and I did the night before, but I liked it a bit more, smoking too much weed after not smoking for a while is NOT FUN!!

Some observations of mine while smoking:

  • worrying to much
  • picking out my eyelashes again
  • restless leg syndrome
  • desire to eat everything even way past the point of being comfortable
  • makes me shut off my mind and just relax for once

Then, I didn’t smoke anything through the week and waited until the weekend.  Last weekend I smoked, but I had some crazy epiphanies about my life while I was high, that I do not think I would have had if I didn’t smoke.  I knew I needed to act on my thoughts, and had to fire our new girl, but I was scared.  She was not working out, and I just bought this company, I can’t afford to have the wrong fit.

And now on Wednesday, I have not smoked in 2 days.  I find myself way more clear headed in the mornings, not moody or irritable or still tired from a weed hangover (which is crazy for me, because I was so used to smoking every single day I never thought I noticed a difference, but there is A HUGE difference).

My new plan is to not smoke during the week at all, but only smoke on weekends.  I am so up and down with weed, I just know that I can’t be a daily smoker.  It is a lot easier said than done though, as I did want to smoke yesterday but pulled through.  I just know that if I break my “rules” and start smoking during the week, I have failed my attempt to cut back and then I must resort to full on cold turkey quitting again- because that would mean I have no control.

I know in all due time, at the right time, when God sees fit, I will quit completely.  But for now I am going to smoke on weekends.  I do have a bit of hesitation, because I am not as motivated on weekends and because I also do not want to just stay at home, smoke weed and not socialize…

I am proud of myself though.  No drinks in 5 months, wooohoo!!  That is totally becoming normal for me now, and I have cut back on my weed smoking to only 2x per week, its not perfect, but it is better than I used to be, and to me that is A OK!

 

Day 6- no weed

I have almost gotten to one week without weed!  WOOHOO!!!  I know this time is different.  I don’t even want to smoke weed anymore- something that used to give me such pleasure (or so I thought) I have somehow managed to turn into pain.

Pain of letting myself down.  Pain of not living up to my full potential.  Pain of not being present.  I have been in 2 situations where weed was offered to me over the weekend, and I declined both times.  Not that I didn’t think about it and want it, but I like waking up now knowing I didn’t let myself down.

It is the best feeling in the world. I had a good weekend.  We went to a friends 30th birthday party, where everyone got bombed, but me, usually I would have smoked because it made me feel like at least I wasn’t totally sober.  I actually enjoyed myself much much more without the weed.

I had great convos about religion and spirituality, and I wasn’t nervous or anxious.  Which I usually am, second guessing what I said.

G got a little drunk and emotional about some stuff, which was difficult.  But I didn’t smoke, I wanted to sooo badly, because I HATE feeling emotions.  And its also just a habit- that I am breaking one thread at a time.  Now I just want to feel everything- what can I learn from this?

Tomorrow will be 1 week without weed- 120.00 saved.  I think I will buy myself a little reward!

I have been more irritable then normal- and quick to jump down G’s throat- But thank goodness he knows what I am going through and he is sooooo supportive!!

Also, he kicked weed alongside with me.  He truly is my source of inspiration and support. What an amazing man I was blessed to have.

I have been eating, and sleeping even better then when I smoked up.  I am feeling a little drained and down some days, non energetic.  But that too will pass.  I can’t expect my body to mend in 1 week what I did to it for 12 years.  I have been having the most night sweats ever- like drenched every day when I wake up- but that’s a good thing!

Happy Monday guys! xoxoxox

Day 2 – no weed

Yesterday was my second day without weed.  I was expecting it to go pretty much as it did.

I was really, really tired by the end of the day and I wanted to just lay on my couch and go to sleep, but I knew if I slept then, I would be hooped for sleeping at all during the night.

I was having some pretty uncomfortable and intense anxiety after work yesterday.  I felt like I was having heart palpitations.  I knew it was the detox, and of course I always self medicated my anxiety with weed, so I know it is going to be a lot worse before it gets better.  I just kept telling myself this too shall pass.  I also sat through the uncomfortable feelings for the first time in a very long time.. and they did pass.  I must process my feelings naturally not stuff them down with weed.  I know I still have a lot of healing to do internally.

Maybe TMI but… G and I, had a pretty good love making session when I was having bad anxiety, and it made me fell 90% better.  It must have been from the natural endorphin’s our body produces.  It also made me realize how many times I have been “to lazy” aka “too stoned to care” about having sex.  I love sex.  So this was a plus.

I started on my vision board yesterday, which I am excited to finish, and overall had a pretty peaceful night.  When I have tried quitting previous times, withdrawals have been far far worse.  Although I am def not out of the woods yet.

I surprised myself by eating a bagel for breakfast, and I was actually hungry at lunch today. I think it is because I didn’t pig out up until my bedtime and wake up still full.  I used to not be able to eat anything if I wasn’t smoking weed.

I woke up drenched in sweat, literally drenched.  I am not a sweating type of person, even when I do intense exercise I never get overly sweaty but man, did that sweat stink.

That’s a good sign, the toxins are coming out from 12+ years of being a total stoner.

I had pretty bad anxiety again this morning, but I am trying to replace smoking weed with Yoga and Meditation as I know if I don’t replace it with something to give me the same effects, I could backslide pretty easily.

Did want to mention- I have bad brain fog- not really remembering things I should, and I feel a bit annoyed at people.

Up and away!  Half way through day 3!

 

Day 1- No Weed

I survived my first day without weed!  I have had a lot of first days without weed though.  I am usually pretty good for a day or two until something stressful happens, then I just say fuck it, because I hate feeling emotions and want to numb them.

Yesterday, my dad’s friend needed help at the ex with his jewelry stand after I already worked a 9 hour shift, but I went to help him anyways.  I didn’t end up getting home until midnight, I was so tired, but also, it kept my mind off not smoking pot.

The other reason I was really pulled to help this man was that last year he got into a really bad accident on the Wichita Turnpike,  jackknifed his trailer, killed his wife (who he did absolutely everything with) and another lady and has had a really hard time.  Just before this he was going through chemotherapy and had his tongue half cut out, he has no saliva glands, and hasn’t eaten anything solid in 15 months.  I have huge compassion for this man, and something was nudging at me to be selfless.

I am sure glad I did, because he said some things that made me think and appreciate what I have, and what a small struggle giving up weed is compared to what he has been through.

I was telling him about how his jewelry is so beautiful and he kinda got this sad look in his eye and he said “I don’t even want to think about all the stuff we lost in the wreck, but it doesn’t even matter, you could take this all away if only I could have that one thing back.”

Meaning his wife.  It broke my heart.  And was a big eye opener for me to appreciate how beautiful my life is, and how fast that can change.

He tried to give me $80 to help him out, I never accepted.  I felt pulled to be there, and I know why.  God had a message for me.

Sometimes we blow up our problems to be huge, when if we just look around, so many people are suffering.  You never know going up to him on the street that this happened to him, we need to treat all people nicely, we never know what they have been through.

Also, I slept last night- and ate- weird huh.  Usually though the withdrawals will be starting tonight…

I purchased a quit weed program- I know, its odd, but strangely it has changed my perception of weed.  It is by Seb Grant, I recommend anyone even just playing with the idea that they would like to stop smoking pot to give it a go.   Its not only for pleasure, there are a lot of downsides too.  The main reason I am quitting is because I just know I am not living up to my full potential.  It is limiting me from the life that I want to live, hinders my confidence and makes me unsure of myself.  These are all things I do not need right now.  I am also putting the $60 per week I spend on pot and it is going towards my yoga teacher training.

Hopefully the rest of the day goes smoothly, if it doesn’t I am not smoking!!!

Sober changes

eat pray stay sober.jpg

Hi lovelies.

I haven’t been blogging much- but I have been working my sobriety!  So much has changed for me this past 4 months.  I am annoying the shit out of my boyfriend because my mind just can not grasp the fact that I have changed this much.  ME?  The party animal, shot taking, weed smoking, don’t give a f*** person I used to be.  ME!!

I keep saying “Can you believe this… or, “Before I quit drinking, NEVER would I go into the office to prep for the week Sunday, have all my house work done, relaxing, doing yoga.” I just can not believe this is ME!!  I am doing this!!!   The me, who has almost survived (I mean thrived) through an entire summer alcohol free.  But yet, this is ME.  The new ME.  The REAL ME.  Before I drowned myself in Alcohol.  I have come to the realization, that I am addicted to pleasure.  Immediate pleasure.  I never worked on things like Yoga, deep breathing, meditation, journaling, etc because I wanted IMMEDIATE pleasure, and it always got me there faster.

I have also cut back so much on weed.  I am much more aware of my bad habits, and how now with weed too I am numbing myself.  And, I also realize how much I depend on it.  I do not want to depend on anything, I want to be free.  I want to only depend on stuff that is within me, not external pleasures.

I know I have put the intention out into the world to be 100% clean body, mind and soul and I know the universe is conspiring to make it happen.  I am becoming less and less interested in smoking weed, and I have begun my journey of kicking the devils lettuce.  Which I also too will document here.  I know that God wants me to sacrifice something as insignificant as weed for the greater good.   I need to know who I am without any substances.   I know that great things are coming my way.  I just have to get out of the way and let God do his part.

I have also gotten so much into yoga, and the way that it has transformed my life, that I have signed up for my yoga teacher training come February.  I am SOOOOO excited.  NEVER would I have been able to make a decision like this if I was drinking.  I was so indecisive, up and down, yes and no, happy and sad, it makes me sad to think about it now.  It costs 4,000 for the training, but I feel deep inside this is my passion and this is where my next journey lies.

like… can you believe I am doing this!? 😉

Namaste

 

 

over 3 months

I haven’t blogged in a while- life has been sooo busy!  I have been doing both the secretary’s and my job since I fired her.  It has been really good.  No more feeling like I have to walk on egg shells in my own office.

Althougcacd6cf6c347a4eeb3891c51daff8192h now I am a lot busier, I am actually a lot more productive, and happier.  Win, win.  I am liking being by myself for now- I am not sure when I will hire again.

I am still sober- and would be over 3 months sober now- minus that 1 day I had some drinks.  I still count it as 3 months going on 4 months sober as I have learnt and grown so much over this period of time.  I am unrecognizable to myself even.

We went to the lake this weekend and I had a good time, paddle boarding, picking berries, went for a long walk with G and the fur babies.  All stuff I NEVER EVER would have done at the lake before.  The lake was to get FUCKED UP Friday-Sunday, come home and die in my bed, feel like shit all day Monday and possibly Tuesday, with the worst anxiety, then finally Wednesday feel better.

Instead we came home Sunday and I cleaned the house, got groceries, set my goals for the week, read, had a bath did a face mask etc. it was awesome!

I also have been waking up at 6am every day, without even trying anymore, and I meditate, stretch, pray and go for a walk or do some yoga every day now.

However, I think I may be going through what the recovery community refers too as PAWS.  Just feeling blah.  I have been angry, irritable, could blow up at anyone, and don’t have any patience.

This too, shall pass!

Cheers to a happy, sober week friends!