I binge drank yesterday

Well.  I made it to two weeks and was doing so well.  I was feeling happy, proud, and my relationship with G was improving.  He was happy and proud of me too.

I had gotten back into mediation and yoga, and started tracking habits.  All of that falls by the way side when I drink.  I drank a whole bottle of wine and 2 tall boys 7%.

I am not sure if G knew I was drinking, but I think he did.  I know God wants me to be sober. I feel a high connection with God when I am sober.

Yesterday, I also drove.  As soon as I get alcohol in my body, I think that I can do anything, with no consequences.  It is absolutely maddening.  I am so mad at myself.

I do realize, that I have to ride things out, when I am having wolfie in my head, I have to just not drink that day, and it will be better.  I also smoked pot the last 2 days, after 40 days clean.  I am back to day 1 for both.

I am learning that even if I had a flat depressing weekend, that will pass, I cant give in to the moment of feeling shitty.

I am not giving up- I WILL BEAT THIS!!!

Should I go to AA?

I am not in any denial that I do not control my intake anymore.  I am an addict, its who I am.  I want to use this curse and turn it into a blessing.  Wolfie the black demon is whispering a lot in my ear that I cant do this.  Who is he kidding?  I need to get better at calling him out.

I want to do this different this time.  I don’t care what anyone thinks.  This is my life and I cannot drink period.  I wont be drinking at my wedding, and I wont be drinking in Jamaica..  Lifes a bitch, but it could be worse.  There will always be another reason and excuse to drink.  I need to start calling out that demon in me at every turn of the way.

I am taking all my anger out on my Fiance.  I treated him sooo badly over this past weekend.  I am so full of disgust and shame.  I even slept at my parents one night when he was calling me over and over again.  I blame him for everything shitty in my life.  He is such a good man, he does not deserve to go through this.

I NEVER want to feel this way again.  I outed myself to my best friend, and to my mom.  It needs to end here.  I will be feeling better in 5 months.  It will get better.  It will get better.

Should I go to AA today?  I really don’t want to….

Already Craving

I am already craving to drink.  Today has been a hard one at work, and we are having to let go of one of our long-term family friend employees.  Just thinking about it makes me feel bad.  I want to drink to make this easier.  The wine wolf is already calling.  I almost went to the store so I could pick one up and have it at work.

Classy hey. I know my liver isn’t loving me for all the binge drinking I have been doing lately.  I can tell, it kind of hurts.  That is not a good sign.  It has only been 2 days and I already want booze.  The voice in my head saying that I am quitting at the wrong time, and that I can quit after my wedding, after the bachelorette parties, after the all inclusive.  Its right isn’t it?  Why stop now.  I have a wedding coming up this weekend.  It sounds insane that someone would think about alcohol this much.

I want to dull the feeling of everything.  I don’t want to go to the gym tonight, can I have a drink before I go?  I don’t want to go home and clean, and I don’t want to go to this wedding sober this weekend.  I am not sure if I will make it.  Why don’t I start this drinking thing after my wedding, when I have no more big things coming up.

But wont there always be another wedding, another events another funeral another anything that I HAVE to drink for.  Why cant I just be normal, can I have one more chance?

NO.  Because you damn well know you don’t want to drink a glass or two, you want to chug the bottle, you want to get lost into another world.

I have a hard time being around people who make me nervous, Its like I need to be inebriated.  Fuck my life.  I don’t have anything left.  I quit the weed, now I have the booze.  But when I was smoking heavily, I was drinking just as heavily as I am now.

I promise I will not drink today.  I am not worrying about those other days.  Alcohol is sneaky and seductive and it kills and destroys.  I still know when someone drinks to this extent it is because there is a demon in there.  PLEASE GET OUT.

I am going to go to yoga tonight and mediate and have a bath and cry if I have to, but I am not drinking.  Not today.

3 weeks- Cant stop myself

I went to the lake this past weekend with G and the dogs.  Of course I had all these grand plans to not drink heavily.  FAIL.  I know that I have been in very bad denial about the extent of my drinking.

I drank Friday night, Saturday pretty much all day, and all day Sunday.  Yesterday I was once again feeling so low and suicidal in the morning.  Its like once I start drinking I am off running.  I have recently been turning into my dad, where I go around to everyone and say shit I would never say sober.  Family problems, issues I have, and just sharing too much information.  It makes me so regretful the next day because I know that those things are just sitting there and I never have expressed them before, but I am expressing them to the wrong person.

I feel so much shame.  I think why I have been in such denial is that I have gotten better at hiding my drinking.  I no longer just black out and pass out, I have quite a tolerance, and I can pretty much drink all day now and still be normally functioning.  I mean, I am more talkative and all that stuff, but I don’t show the signs as much as I used to.  And I don’t think that’s a good thing.  I am feeling a bit better today, but I know that I need to give this sobriety thing another shot. I have so much coming up, like my friend bachelorette party, her wedding in Jamaica, my wedding, all these things I would have loved to been able to drink at normally, but I don’t think I can drink normally.  No, I know I cant drink normally.  And so what’s the alternative?  Drink and ruin my own wedding week… like maybe not drinking would be better than drinking.  I have all the fears. I don’t want to quit drinking, but I have proven time and time again that I cannot control my drinking.

I want to do everything in my power to never put my family through what me and my brothers went through.  I am starting to remind myself just like my dad, telling everyone our business, getting raging angry at the end of the night, I hate it so much.  And yet, I still want to drink at certain things.

I have a wedding coming up this weekend for Gs’ friend.  I am not going to drink.  Yesterday and today my liver was actually hurting, or the organs surrounding it.  That really freaks me out, I think that I have inflamed it.  I was so happy those 6 months, I was doing so much personal development, and I was gaining my confidence and self love back.  I need to get back to that place.  I was taking such good care of myself.  I was pretty much organic everything, and doing yoga all the time, and meditating.  I need to remember that it is sobriety or disconnect for me.  And I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks.

22ac02d8382397b84608520a11b7d9d8--stop-drinking-alcohol-quotes-quitting-alcohol

On a positive note, I am just over 3 weeks off the weed!  That is for sure the longest I have ever gone, and for that I am proud.  I didn’t even cave when I was drinking heavily this weekend, and I didn’t smoke yesterday even though I was in a pretty dark depression.  I do notice the depression isn’t as bad as when I was smoking though, so there’s that.

I took an at home THC test this morning, and it was positive.  I think I have about at least another month before that is out of my body, and I cant wait to see who I am at that point.  When I quit drinking before, I was still smoking ALOT.  I just want to be 100% sober, body, mind and soul.  Please God help me.

 

Day 18- Hard Past Week

I have been having a hard past week.  I definitely did switch to the booze to get rid of ugly feelings I was having over the weekend and about my Social Anxiety.  But I shut that off quick and haven’t had a drink in 5 days.  I have been researching a lot about how weed and alcohol truly allow demonic beings to enter your system, and destroy you.

You open your mind up to terrible things.  Its kinda keeping me going, and scaring me from alcohol a lot at this point.  You know the point of black out when you wake up and people tell you, you were acting like a completely different person and your spiritual, emotional and physical body takes a huge hit… I call that demonic possession.  And they don’t leave you alone, that’s what creates addicts, they keep you calling back for more, tempting you, calling you do all sorts of things when they have control.  Drinking and driving, low level sex, violence, hatred those are all things of the devil, and not God.

I know it sounds crazy, but look up alcohol and demons or spirituality on YouTube there is some pretty crazy shit, and hey its working.

I have been an emotional mess, mean to the FI, having freak outs, being irrational and then normal a minute later.  I am trying to not be so hard on myself as I know this is what is going to happen.  I haven’t dealt with my emotions since I was 13 like for real.  I always drank or smoked them away.  I think my brain is re wiring.

The first couple of weeks I was so exhausted it was weird, not like any quit I have had before. Now though, almost 3 weeks in, I cant sleep at night and I am tossing and turning, and having crazy dreams still, but those are kinda cool.  I do have a lot more energy and recently started a new gym program so that will keep me busy.

So far this past week I have had sever migraines, bad mood swings, trouble sleeping and feeling pretty angry.  No anxiety though, which is weird for me.  Oh, and I naturally stopped drinking as much coffee, not sure why??

Heres to 3 weeks, the farthest I will have ever gone!

Day 9- and setbacks

I had a pretty shit weekend, well that’s not entirely true.  I had a lot of fun, had some friends over in the backyard, and then went to a retirement party where we all drank, too much.

We had tequila shots and my Fiancé who is not a big drinker got really drunk and puked all over my car and our house.  The next day after drinking, of course I had anxiety.  So instead of having my crutch of weed, I drank again, big mistake.  I woke up on Monday morning with the worst panic attack I have ever had.  I should have just gone to the gym that day with all my energy instead of keep drinking.

I drank and drove, I was acting not like myself I am so ashamed.  I feel like every time I try and do right, I end up doing wrong.  And I really want to do right.  I actually took myself to the emergency and spent the day there, that’s how bad it was.

Although I am not beating myself up too badly about it because I could have easily went and got weed to get through that day, but I didn’t.  I felt all the feelings of shame and guilt and I think that is a good thing.   I got a good nights sleep last night, and I am feeling 100% better.  I know that I just shouldn’t over drink in the first place, and I wont have the anxiety.  It is baby’s birthday this weekend, and I am going to drink very slow and have 3 drinks max.  That’s the problem- over drink on one day, crazy anxiety the next.  Although I do think my general anxiety when I am not drinking is getting better.

Today I have no anxiety- and I actually do think that cannitrol works really well.  I am not feeling to guilty as that’s what the devil would want me to stay down.  I am 100000% sure I wont give in to smoking, I know if I just went through that and didn’t smoke then I can get through anything without smoking.

I don’t actually really even think about weed that much right now, its weird. Before I would be eagerly counting the days.  We will see how I feel at the two week mark, and after this weekend.

First 24 hours weed free

I just got back from the long weekend- where there was a lot of pot smoking done.

It isn’t even fun for me anymore.  I just smoke, get tired, eat, smoke more, eat more, go to bed.  I find that I am beginning to get so lethargic that anything seems like too much work.

I haven’t been keeping up with healthy eating, exercising, I barely even take my makeup off or brush my teeth before bed anymore.

I vividly remember last summer as being one of the happiest times in my life.  I had such a strong care to get to the bottom of my problems.  I created such a healthy routine that included weekly massages, yoga everyday, tongue scraping, reading and meditating and being present.

I smoked the last of my weed yesterday at around 4pm.   It didn’t even get me high.  I feel guilty when I smoke now.   I did a night time meditation, and used my essential oils to help me do some deep breathing.  I fell asleep relatively easily (I think from being so exhausted from the lake).  I did wake up from 2-4 though and had a hard time going back to sleep.  Always with my constant thoughts that wont go away.  I finally made myself a cup of warm milk, and listened to some more meditation and fell asleep again.

I did sweat a bit last night and I am irritable and tired today.  I have this lethargic feeling like I waked and baked and have that heavy feeling in my eyes.  I could have slept another 10 hours.  I think that’s my body working hard to clean out my system.

I am feeling low key anxious- and have no motivation to do anything.  I feel sad, and don’t really want to socialize or do anything.   I even have this feeling like I should have a couple drinks tonight to take the edge off.  NOPE. Not this time.  If you want what you’ve never had, you’ve got to do what you’ve never done.

I cant wait for my cannitrol pills to get here.

I hope they do something.

The Hamster Wheel

I am addicted to numbing.  I don’t think I am addicted to drugs and alcohol.  I think I am addicted to escaping my current reality from a young age and always just thought I was doing what everyone else was doing.  Having a good time.

Some crazy stuff has happened to me over the last couple of years but it has been a learning experience and I have learnt so much more about myself through this process.

I have been through extreme binge drinking.

I have gone 6 months without alcohol.

I have tried to quit weed over and over and over again.

Some tries lasting for 3 weeks, some for 5 days, some for 1 day.   But always going back.

I have been through a cycle of quitting weed, feeling the anxiety really badly, covering it up with alcohol, and then feeling so bad from the alcohol, deciding weed was less harmful and going back to weed.

Throughout all of this it is the anxiety and social anxiety that is driving me to these crutches.

The thing I thought was calming my anxiety and making my life bearable all these years, the weed, has been the thing that Is actually causing my anxiety.

I don’t believe I would overdrink if I wasn’t constantly carrying around excess anxiety from marijuana every single day.

It is making me paranoid, and when I don’t have the weed and cant be completely numbed out without a care in the world, my anxiety is so high, that going anywhere I have to drink.

I am having another quit with my weed and this time is the final time.  I am doing it right this time.  I am quitting weed, I have already set my quit date, I have even bought cannitrol, a supplement to help with mood and serotonin and withdrawals.

I am doing things I have never done before.  I will be re watching all of seb grants quit weed videos- and also just read a great book called the Secret Addiction.

And this time, I am not going to be replacing the weed with booze.  I am going to get to the source of this, and pick up my yoga and meditation again.

And then when I think that I have effectively dealt with my anxiety I wont have the urge to drink excessively.   And then maybe, I can have a healthy relationship with booze.

Weed makes everything seem so boring and blah.  No pleasure in the everyday little things, and working out, and sunshine and things that other people can find bring them happiness.  Nothings fun unless weed is involved.  I want to get addicted to taking care of myself and my wedding process.

I am beginning to see it all starts with the weed and me not dealing head on with my anxiety’s and stress in fact I am making it 100000% worse with weed, and then using alcohol when I don’t have weed (or cant smoke weed because I am awkward in public).

I also am at the end of the rope health wise.  My lungs hurt, I can barely breathe when I sleep, I have a family of bad asthma, my face isn’t youthful and glowing, my eyes are always tired, I have no motivation to do better myself or do anything but go home and smoke all night long.  And, I no longer can enjoy joints, or pipes.  It HAS to be a huge bong hit- to even do anything to me- and it has to be more than 1.  Even then, I am not getting stoned anymore, just tired.

I am so tired of this hamster wheel.  I have been trying to quit for 5 years.  I know this time is the time I can feel it.  I am finally fed up, at the end of my rope, and I think I can finally stop fantasizing it is this amazing thing I am missing out on, and see it for what it truly is.

I have to associate pain with smoking weed, and pleasure with being completely weed free.

I am getting married in 6 months, going to Jamaica for my best friend wedding in 3 months, my best friend is having a baby.  There are baby showers  and bachelorette parties and so much fun stuff coming up.  I want to be truly present and there for all of it.

These are the best times of my life, and I don’t want to smoke them away anymore.

My quit date is after the August long weekend.  Monday August 7, 2017.

I know if I quit before the long weekend, the temptation there will be too strong.  I can enjoy this one last weekend and then keep my distance for a while when the cravings are at their worst.

 

 

 

Day 5- AGAIN

I have not been here in a while.  I was back to numbing myself, daily.  Great hey.  The funny thing is, I now have my alcohol under control.   But the weed is crazy.

I know that totally sounds like an addict- but its true.  I have the power now to only drink a couple drinks and stop.    I always tell myself, why try and be someone your not, if your shy to go somewhere that’s normal, don’t chug wine first.  And it works!

It is actually the wine that is NOT for me.  1 or at most 2 glasses.  Wine makes me loopy and weird.  Beer does not have the same affect on me.  I can drink them and still be normal.  I realize now why I was always passing out and being an idiot.  I would drink tons of wine, which makes people so sleepy, and then I would smoke weed on top of that and I would literally pass out to the world after that, lights out.  Like DUH!!!  How did I not see this before.  I have even had 1 drink, and then a toke, and was sooo much more drunk after the toke, it was so crazy, like I had been doing that for years.  Mixing especially wine with weed is NOT a good mix.

So, I don’t drink wine when going out anymore, and I don’t smoke weed anymore.  I think that I was just acting like any 25 year old does and was saying I am an alcoholic, blah blah, and I do believe if I hadn’t taken those 6 months off drinking, I would have turned into one forsure.  I am SO glad to have that under control.    Sometimes we need to sit back, evaluate, and deal with the problems that were underlying, and then we can take a new course of action.  I am only 25, I want to enjoy my life.

Today is day 5 off the weed.  I am sick and tired of weed.  weed is not good for me.  I have been smoking weed for 12 years, like grow up.   I am just over it.  I am angry at it.  It is taking my life away.  I am a slave to it.  I want to give up, love making, taking care of myself, meditation, working hard at my new business, yoga, God,  just because weed gets me there instantly.  But it doesn’t get me anywhere, it just gets me up in a cloud of smoke, but my problems are still there.

This week has been tough but I know what to expect I have been here before.  I have at the most only gone 3 weeks not smoking.  I refuse to cave this time .  I gave my brother my bag of weed, and I am going to try and sell my new bong to my other brother.  Then tonight, I kinda thought it would be fun to go somewhere an smash my other two (crappy) bongs, as like a fuck you!!!!

I have been irritable, the most INTENSE night sweats ever, like drenching, had to change clothes twice, had a bad headache yesterday.  But surprisingly, I have been eating decent, not as much as i used too, but pretty good.  I have been having intense dreams too, nightmares, and my sleep has been pretty poor.  But I don’t care.  This is the LAST time I am putting myself through this.

When I have weed everything good, but when I don’t have it then I am irritable, and can’t think about anything but getting weed.  I will do ANYTHING to get it.  I am sick of my moods being dependent on it, and the highs and lows.  I am going to test myself and see how quickly it leaves my body, I am doing everything I can to detox.

I am NEVER putting myself through this again.   I had my time with my friend the devils lettuce, but that time has passed.

Oh , and I am engaged now!!!!  Getting married next March 2nd, so I need to be the happily engaged person I am!

Cheers!

 

My Slip Up

I spent the better part of the weekend feeling like I let myself down.  And my mom.  My mom is so proud of me.  I cried.2ee2ae51a58607e266f3479345765de2

I told my mom on the phone this morning what happened this weekend, and she wasn’t disappointed in me.  She made me realize that I am a human being, an imperfect human being, living in a sinful world.  I am going to make mistakes.  I made a mistake.  She is the best mother in the whole wide world.

And I picked myself back up- dusted myself off- and I am moving on.  I am calling this a slip, not a relapse.  To me, a relapse would be full blown going back into drinking like I was.  I actually think this slip up was supposed to happen for a reason.

I have been upset with G the last couple of days, as I knew it was a bad situation to be putting myself in, and I told him as much the entire week leading up to it.  But he is still young, and still can drink and have fun, and I don’t want to just be this boring, sober girlfriend who is no fun. I think he knows now after this weekend, that I can’t just “not drink” and I know he will def not put me in those situations anymore.  I know he feels badly.  This was a learning experience for both of us.

The reasons I relapsed are very very similar to a lot of people who relapse:

  1. I was not in my “safe” place, I was out of my comfort zone, with a lot of people partying.
  2. I had no cell service at the camp site, and when the voices started in my head, I could not reach out to my mom, the person who would have talked me off the cliff.
  3. I did not partake in my “sober toolkit” as soon as I knew I was headed for trouble
  4. I didn’t listen to my inner intuition, and went anyways.

I explained to G this morning and this weekend that no longer am I going to be around if he so chooses to drink.  If he wants to go out with his buds and tie one on, he can’t have me there too.  Maybe once I am more comfortable in my sobriety, but not yet. I thought I could still be this cool sober chick, that has no problem being around people who are drinking, and me being sober isn’t going to change anything .. but I was wrong.  In fact, the whole time I was there I felt guilty, and I knew I was not being authentic to myself.  It’s either sobriety, or disconnect for me, there is nothing more.

This experience has meant a lot to me.  But its not the end of my recovery.  I am going to strengthen my tools even more, be even more aware of triggers, maybe even start to work the steps.  I know I need to get more serious about this. I am not going to dwell on this, here to another sober beautiful day!!!