Day 5- AGAIN

I have not been here in a while.  I was back to numbing myself, daily.  Great hey.  The funny thing is, I now have my alcohol under control.   But the weed is crazy.

I know that totally sounds like an addict- but its true.  I have the power now to only drink a couple drinks and stop.    I always tell myself, why try and be someone your not, if your shy to go somewhere that’s normal, don’t chug wine first.  And it works!

It is actually the wine that is NOT for me.  1 or at most 2 glasses.  Wine makes me loopy and weird.  Beer does not have the same affect on me.  I can drink them and still be normal.  I realize now why I was always passing out and being an idiot.  I would drink tons of wine, which makes people so sleepy, and then I would smoke weed on top of that and I would literally pass out to the world after that, lights out.  Like DUH!!!  How did I not see this before.  I have even had 1 drink, and then a toke, and was sooo much more drunk after the toke, it was so crazy, like I had been doing that for years.  Mixing especially wine with weed is NOT a good mix.

So, I don’t drink wine when going out anymore, and I don’t smoke weed anymore.  I think that I was just acting like any 25 year old does and was saying I am an alcoholic, blah blah, and I do believe if I hadn’t taken those 6 months off drinking, I would have turned into one forsure.  I am SO glad to have that under control.    Sometimes we need to sit back, evaluate, and deal with the problems that were underlying, and then we can take a new course of action.  I am only 25, I want to enjoy my life.

Today is day 5 off the weed.  I am sick and tired of weed.  weed is not good for me.  I have been smoking weed for 12 years, like grow up.   I am just over it.  I am angry at it.  It is taking my life away.  I am a slave to it.  I want to give up, love making, taking care of myself, meditation, working hard at my new business, yoga, God,  just because weed gets me there instantly.  But it doesn’t get me anywhere, it just gets me up in a cloud of smoke, but my problems are still there.

This week has been tough but I know what to expect I have been here before.  I have at the most only gone 3 weeks not smoking.  I refuse to cave this time .  I gave my brother my bag of weed, and I am going to try and sell my new bong to my other brother.  Then tonight, I kinda thought it would be fun to go somewhere an smash my other two (crappy) bongs, as like a fuck you!!!!

I have been irritable, the most INTENSE night sweats ever, like drenching, had to change clothes twice, had a bad headache yesterday.  But surprisingly, I have been eating decent, not as much as i used too, but pretty good.  I have been having intense dreams too, nightmares, and my sleep has been pretty poor.  But I don’t care.  This is the LAST time I am putting myself through this.

When I have weed everything good, but when I don’t have it then I am irritable, and can’t think about anything but getting weed.  I will do ANYTHING to get it.  I am sick of my moods being dependent on it, and the highs and lows.  I am going to test myself and see how quickly it leaves my body, I am doing everything I can to detox.

I am NEVER putting myself through this again.   I had my time with my friend the devils lettuce, but that time has passed.

Oh , and I am engaged now!!!!  Getting married next March 2nd, so I need to be the happily engaged person I am!

Cheers!

 

My Slip Up

I spent the better part of the weekend feeling like I let myself down.  And my mom.  My mom is so proud of me.  I cried.2ee2ae51a58607e266f3479345765de2

I told my mom on the phone this morning what happened this weekend, and she wasn’t disappointed in me.  She made me realize that I am a human being, an imperfect human being, living in a sinful world.  I am going to make mistakes.  I made a mistake.  She is the best mother in the whole wide world.

And I picked myself back up- dusted myself off- and I am moving on.  I am calling this a slip, not a relapse.  To me, a relapse would be full blown going back into drinking like I was.  I actually think this slip up was supposed to happen for a reason.

I have been upset with G the last couple of days, as I knew it was a bad situation to be putting myself in, and I told him as much the entire week leading up to it.  But he is still young, and still can drink and have fun, and I don’t want to just be this boring, sober girlfriend who is no fun. I think he knows now after this weekend, that I can’t just “not drink” and I know he will def not put me in those situations anymore.  I know he feels badly.  This was a learning experience for both of us.

The reasons I relapsed are very very similar to a lot of people who relapse:

  1. I was not in my “safe” place, I was out of my comfort zone, with a lot of people partying.
  2. I had no cell service at the camp site, and when the voices started in my head, I could not reach out to my mom, the person who would have talked me off the cliff.
  3. I did not partake in my “sober toolkit” as soon as I knew I was headed for trouble
  4. I didn’t listen to my inner intuition, and went anyways.

I explained to G this morning and this weekend that no longer am I going to be around if he so chooses to drink.  If he wants to go out with his buds and tie one on, he can’t have me there too.  Maybe once I am more comfortable in my sobriety, but not yet. I thought I could still be this cool sober chick, that has no problem being around people who are drinking, and me being sober isn’t going to change anything .. but I was wrong.  In fact, the whole time I was there I felt guilty, and I knew I was not being authentic to myself.  It’s either sobriety, or disconnect for me, there is nothing more.

This experience has meant a lot to me.  But its not the end of my recovery.  I am going to strengthen my tools even more, be even more aware of triggers, maybe even start to work the steps.  I know I need to get more serious about this. I am not going to dwell on this, here to another sober beautiful day!!!

 

Relapse

I drank Thursday evening and yesterday Friday. I could feel it coming on.

On the way to the lake I was playing around with the idea the entire time and I knew I was in bad territory. I also even pre-meditated and bought a bottle of wine on the way in case I decided I wanted to have a couple drinks.

But already the anxiety had started around how can I only have a couple. The weekend was good and I did have a good time, better than if I didn’t drink because I felt a part of the group- where every single person was partying hard and having a good time. I did enjoy myself but I did end up drinking too much last night and don’t remember going to bed.

I proved to myself again I do not know how to moderate!

Even if nothing bad happened and mostly it was fun- now I just feel sick about it and guilty.  Today my anxiety has been high again, I puked today and also had the worst hangover ever.

It reminded me why I hate drinking so much. I am using this small set back as a learning experience and a stepping stone and I am trying not to beat myself up about it too much. I relapsed for all the reasons I’ve heard others describe. I put myself in a situation far too early in my sobriety and just even a situation that being sober wouldn’t have been good for me.

I didn’t want to ruin g’s whole summer and I knew he wanted to go, so I went against my better judgement. I will learn from this. It really sucks and hurts to restart my sober streak but at least I am not going to continue drinking from here on out because I blew it. I didn’t blow it. I went 2.5 months sober, longest I have ever gone. I did things and learned so much in that time. It is not all to waste, here’s to a new day 1.

Restless

I feel so restless.  I want to pack everything up from Saskatchewan and move to BC.  Where I can hike all year round, grow my own garden year round, get away from my old life and build a brand new life that reflects who I am now.

I want to start fresh, new place, new job, new friends, away from my family drama.  Just me G and the fur babies.  But is that realistic?  I mean, yes I easily could.  But then there’ our house here, my family, this job (where I know I won’t get to be my own boss and make good money anywhere else).

I have noticed my impulsiveness is coming back full force.  I want to do everything NOW.  This weekend I binge ate sugar Saturday and Sunday evening (felt like shit) and I am feeling out of sorts right now.  I am feeling angry almost, irritable.  I just want to tell everybody to fuck off and tell them what I think about them.

I guess the saying is you shouldn’t make any big life decisions or changes in the first year, I can see why that might be true..

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

Caffeine Withdrawal

HOLY SMOKES!!  I had no clue I was this addicted to coffee.

Yesterday was the start of my elimination diet.  So the first day without caffeine, alcohol (actually day 43) gluten, soy, dairy, eggs, sweets, processed foods, corn etc.

Was I in for a big surprise.  The day started normally- but by the time I arrived at the office, I was noticing my energy levels were low.  I felt lethargic and sluggish all day, not focused and had a hard time having conversations.

Around 4:30 this heads splitting headache occurred, and would not go away no matter what.  It was like this deep throbbing in my skull, and it continued all evening.

I couldn’t keep any food down, and  before supper I started to get really sick and started throwing up.

I was hot/cold, in bed tired but couldn’t sleep, I was throwing up, head was throbbing.  It was the WORST day I have had in a very very long time.  This was me yesterday.

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I had to have a hit of my bong last night, as I couldn’t take the withdrawal, but surprisingly it didn’t help much (when it usually helps everything).  I’ve decided that I am going to still smoke weed during this elimination diet.  As I realized some profound things yesterday.

  1. I am much more addicted to things than I think I am
  2. Caffeine withdrawal is no joke
  3. Coming off of everything at once is not wise, and will probably lead me back to “fuck it all”
  4. I think caffeine may be the reason for my stomach upset
  5. I now really want to live a drug/stimulant free life- its a HUGE eye opener that I NEED something to survive- literally.

I don’t believe I could have gotten through yesterday if I hadn’t already started this sober journey.  Hell because it called for being off booze for 21 days- impossible!  Being sober is making me want to fix other areas of my life that have popped up.  I want to listen to my body.  I think before- I would overdo it, then drink coffee to mask it.  Instead of listening if i’m tired, or hungry, or need water.  I just drink coffee and go on with whatever else is on my to-do list.

Also, this elimination diet, is really taking my mind off alcohol, not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, but one good thing is G is doing the elimination diet with me too.  So no booze for him for 3 weeks 🙂

Much Love, xo

 

A secret…

Monday morning.  I spent all yesterday, planning, preparing, and reading about my new challenge. I am so excited!

I have always been a person whabitho loves challenges.  Although I have never been one to actually finish through with any challenge.  Since I have followed through (t0 42) days without alcohol, I am learning quite a bit about pushing through, temptations, how to get through the tough times.  I feel like I can do anything now that I have that sneaky devil out of my every day life.

So.. I am starting an elimination diet.  I KNOW everyone advises against doing anything drastic like diets or even watching what you eat while in the first stages of sobriety.  But I have always been a healthy eater, a 4x a week exerciser and its not out of the norm for who I am to do this.   I am doing this to eliminate all gluten, dairy, soy, sugar, caffeine etc and re start my body.  I want to detox all the junk out of me.

I have a secret though.  I smoke pot.  I feel like a bit of a hypocrite even saying how proud I am to be sober etc.  But honestly until this weekend I had no plans to ever quit weed, and saw so many positive benefits of it.  To me, being sober, is not drinking alcohol, or doing hard drugs.  I don’t even think of marijuana as a drug.  However, since quitting drinking and how every day is getting better and better I am questioning my pot intake as well.

I smoke everyday, after work, about 6 bong hoots a day.   I am a high functioning alcoholic (was) stoner.  I work 8 hours at a really good job, I have a house, 2 dogs, a loving boyfriend, enough money in the bank, a good car, cool electronics, bells and whistles etc.  I still eat healthy (or was before I quit drinking) and work out.  But, I wonder what i would be capable of, if I took the weed out of my life too.

The reasons I like to smoke pot are that it calms my anxiety, makes me instantly relax, takes my mind off things and can be a super fun time.

The reasons I am noticing I don’t like pot are I am often tired and don’t want to do anything after I smoke up, my mind gets really foggy, messes with my motivation and I get bad munchies.

I want to be truly sober.  I want a completely clear head.  I want to be completely drug and alcohol free.  I want to depend on exercise and meditation and warm tea and books to fill me up.  Not external sources.

So I have decided, during the 21 day elimination diet that I am eliminating every toxin, including pot from my life.  For 21 days, I can do it.  And, in that 21 days it can give me some time to re learn a life totally sober.  It is going to be very hard for me.  When drinking, I never drank during the week only binged on weekends, but for smoking weed, its an everyday thing, a HABIT.  That i’m not even so sure I like anymore.  I don’t want to be attached to anything external.  Or depend on anything.  I want to be free.

Holy, this getting sober thing is generating a domino like affect in all other areas of my life too.

I am going to be documenting my elimination diet, how I feel, detox symptoms, the ups and downs and yes how hard it is going to be without my crutch pot.

Much Love, xo

Tired

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Hiiiii babes.  It’s Friday, it’s sunny.  I’m thinking about that first sip of a smooth red wine.  The way it lights up my insides as it travels to my bloodstream.  The first ahhhh of the weekend commencing, my stresses and cares floating out the window.

I can picture myself sitting in the backyard, reading my book, or maybe grilling some steaks on the BBQ… oh how I can picture it.

Instead, I am at work.

I.am.tired.  

I had so many events I had to go to this week.  Yesterday, I worked all day, and then had to drive to another city to watch my cousins dance recital.  I didn’t end up making it home until 1 am, and had to work again this morning.

I came in to work today, and had a bunch of rude emails I didn’t want to have to deal with,  complaints  blah blah blah.  (why do I run this business)

I am having a poor me week I realized.  I am happy I am sober, the days are passing, they aren’t too terrible either.  But I think I need to cut down on my social events.  I need to say NO when it doesn’t serve me.

I went to a BBQ this week, that was probably a trigger for me.  A bunch of people were already half cut when we got there.  I brought non alcoholic wine, as these people aren’t my closest friends, and I don’t want to have to explain myself.  They all thought I was getting wasted with them, cheers!

BUT.  I realized maybe I shouldn’t even be putting myself in these situations so early in my sobriety.  It was a place where I didn’t know many people, felt a little anxious, and was expected be partying.  Why didn’t I just tell them I wasn’t drinking with them?  Am I STILL scared what people think of me?  Do I want to fit in that bad?

oh the questions I ask myself.

Truth be told, as I watched them get drunker, louder and more messy, the more I couldn’t wait to get out of there.  Seeing drunk people when your sober really is shocking.  Did I act like that?  Probably worse… yikes…

Does anyone else have trouble saying no?  Even when they know its the best thing to do…

So yeah, I am tired and cranky.. not exactly a good recipe to try and do anything tonight.  I already called G and said, I am having a  movie spa night, and we are ordering pizza!

I LOVE pizzaaaa.. almost more than wine 🙂

Happy sober weekend!

Much Love, xo

 

My DUI

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For some reason I have not written about a bigggg life changing event that took place in my life 2 years ago.  Which should have been my rock bottom.  I think it was the first of several rock bottoms.

I was still at that stage in my life where drinking shots excessively was an awesome time. I was 23 years old.   I didn’t wake up feeling “oh shit” I woke up feeling “that was fun!”

It happened like any other night- I was drinking heavily with my boyfriend, vodka shots etc.  Stupid girl I am decided it would be a good idea to drive both to and from the party we were at (the next city over).  Of course, I got pulled over, don’t remember much of it, was disrespectful to the police officers, and after a long time they had me at the police department I still would not blow into their breathalyzer (in hindsight I SO wish I had). Costs me more time without a license- and an automatic DUI.

I remember waking up the next morning with the biggest pit in my stomach.  I immediately started laughing (laughing???? who the F*** does that)  I couldn’t believe it was me, the true harshness of my consequences did not set in yet.  But then after I laughed, I cried and I cried hard.

The year that follows was:

  • Lost my license for 1.5 years
  • Had to be driven around by my family when they could, or my boyfriend
  • I felt trapped and isolated where I was and couldn’t ever leave on my own
  • I secretly blamed by BF and said he should have been driving, I got irritable and very very unhappy with my life
  • I spent around 10,000 dollars on lawyers
  • 3,000 on a blow box for my car (that worked 50 % of the time, and barely at all in the -60 winters we get)
  • Had to go to DUI course over a full weekend (which I had to do twice) because I went out drinking the night before the final day, and slept in …. wow…
  • I now have a criminal record

I honestly didn’t think that I was going to make it through that period in my life.  After I got my license back, exactly a year today actually, I vowed I would NEVER drink and drive again.

That DUI was when I really noticed there are some serious consequences, and that drinking is not just fun.  I seriously began to realize I had a problem.  That was when I started trying to stop, cut down, drink slow etc. and realized to my horror I couldn’t.  But I also couldn’t imagine the thought of not drinking again.  I’m 23 for Gods Sake.

I have been trying and failing to quit for a good year now, probably more.  The more I try to control it, the more out of control I get.

I would like to say that was the only time I drank and drove- but it is not.  I used to do it all the time.  The thing that scared me the most, was the last 4 months or so, I began drinking and driving again, which I PROMISED I would never do.  I knew I was going somewhere bad, fast.

I am ashamed thinking of the stuff I’ve done…

But, I KNOW having something so drastic and harsh was supposed to be a big eye opener for me from God, I know he wants more for my life!

 

 

 

Envy

Its 2:00 pm on the Friday of a long weekend.  The last post I wrote this morning, I was feeling fantastic and ready to take on the sober weekend.  Now I’m having intense cravings to CHUG a bottle of wine.  Not a glass.  I know that’s not a healthy relationship.

I want to let loose- get out of my head.  I want to enjoy the weekend with my family tonight- drinking, having a fire.  Everyone in my family drinks, heavily.  We drink to get drunk, laugh at what we did the next day, and do it all over again.   With one exception being my younger brother, he (surprisingly) has never been a big drinker like the rest of us.

All my dad’s side of the family are BIG drinkers.  And their fathers before that, were big drinkers.  My dad lost his youngest brother at 52 years old only, from drinking himself to death.  Before his death, he was crashing his cars, falling in his yard and having to have the neighbors pick him up hours later, grabbed on to his barbecue when he was wasted and had 3rd degree burns all over his body.  He was in the hospital with skin graphs the whole shebang.  After he got out of the hospital we had him over for Thanksgiving dinner (as his family had left him), where he was wrapped up like a mommy and he STILL drank that evening.  A week later he was dead.  My dad, who has also had severe drinking problems of his own (but has somehow managed to chill out, but still drinks daily) brought home a 66 of wisers to deal with it.  My dad said “I knew I needed to tell him to get help, I was just about to give him a pamphlet to AA this week”.  I thought in my head- pft, you all need AA.

Not to mention, he lost his only sister when she was 18 years old, as her boyfriend drunk drove them into a train, and his other two brothers are both alcoholics.  One is functioning enough, and the other lives on a beach in mexico and drinks a 24 a day.

My mom’s side of the family is not over-the-top like my dad’s side but they also have their fair share of alcohol problems.  My grandma and grandpa were big partiers back in their day, they owned a small  business, he was the Alderman of the city at only 25 years old, and he played in a jazz band.  So there was always lots of parties.  My mom has a lot of memories of late night parties and strangers in her home.  That was all fine and dandy until my Grandpa (bless his soul), who I have never met,  dropped dead from an asthma attack at the ripe age of 53.   Well, from there on out you can guess what happened.  My grandma did nothing but drink  to make it through the day,  it was a very hard period of time in her life.  My mom recalls how upsetting it was for her.  But my grandma has continued to drink like that into her later days, and into her late 70’s when she had to go to rehab.  She has 40% of her heart working, and the doctor told her, go to rehab or you will die.  She went to rehab, and hasn’t had a drink since (or so she says)

My grandmother also tells me we are distantly related to Sir John A MacDonald, the first Prime Minister of Canada, who was also a fall down drunk- great.   It seems I’m cursed.

My mom is not a drinker at all.  One glass of wine on a special occasion that’s it.   But she has definitely seen and experienced her fair share of alcoholism being married to my dad, and her mother.   I know how I ended up with these genes I just don’t want them!!!  It deeply saddens me.

Sorry about the little rant- I just get overwhelmed thinking about how much alcohol has taken from me- but yet I still want to drink it.

Everyone is in the back shop right now- having afternoon beers to commence the long weekend.  Sigh.  I know I will feel happier Tuesday – having overcome another obstacle.

Here’s to hopefully staying strong this weekend!  I CAN do this.

 

Much love, xo

4 weeks sober!

Hello!

As you can see from my last post, I didn’t succeed in kicking the evil drink, THAT TIME.  I have however, had more bad experiences drinking since then, aka. Hawaii and Phoenix (ironic right!?)

BUT.

It has been 4 week since my last drink.  This time I can feel it.  It’s the final time.  I have never in my life gone 4 whole weeks without drinking since I was 13 years old.

IT FEELS AWESOME.

But, oh it hasn’t been easy thus far.

In Phoenix, I ended up drinking far too much, not treating my boyfriend in an ideal way, fell off a bike and really hurt myself, couldn’t find my way home, and also was verbally abusive with some people I have issues with.  I wanted to die when I woke up the next morning.

I puked in 20 second intervals, all day long.  Couldn’t keep water down, anxiety was ripping my heart apart.  My poor boyfriend.  I tell him time and time again, this is it, I’m done.  He knows better.

But this time I mean’t it.  The whole rest of the trip I allowed everyone else to continue on drinking, enjoying time in the sun and beach, and I stayed sober!

I need to prove with my actions and not my words that I mean business.

I am proud of myself!!!  This past month I survived:

  • My best friends 24th birthday sober
  • My other friends 25th PUBCRAWL (I didn’t handle it exactly the way I imagined in my brain, everyone was doing shots and partying, even my boyfriend and I ended up being upset with him about it (irrelevant, but I thought he should have been supporting me more)
  • The WHO concert
  • Rest of my vacation in Mexico/Phoenix

Even though some of these things were hard, I  got through them, and I woke up sober!

That is something to be grateful for.  Oh and all my friends can’t believe my will power 🙂

Much Love, xo