Yesterday was a good day during the day, my mom visited me at work and everything went well. Then I started to get a really bad pressure headache in my entire head around 3pm. It lasted until about 7pm. I tried drinking a ton of water as I thought it was just dehydration, but nope its still a sign of withdrawal.
I wanted to drink really badly yesterday as I was feeling shitty, I have such an all or nothing mentality. I strongly believe the God is showing me and helping me along, and knows exactly what to show me at exactly the right time. I was in my hammock, very miserable, moody, snapping at the Fiancé. I have been interested in learning more about my sign lately, I am a Pisces. I stumbled across something about how Pisces people feel the weight of everyone else’s problems and worries, and we are such empathetic people that we take them on as our own, but we also need to escape. We are people who love to escape to fantasy worlds and just be left alone, and retreat.
Which makes so much sense because I have never understood why I always needed to re charge after being with people, and I really like to be alone. I also love to escape, be that weed, alcohol, anything to change my current state when I am feeling emotions. It really got me thinking about how it wasn’t the addiction, the addiction is the means I use to get out of my current reality. I never really drank that much during the week, only when I didn’t have weed, and I always had weed. So when I had weed, that was my escape, when I didn’t I used alcohol. It was very enlightening, and I am finding out so much about myself. I sat with that thought and pondered it for a very long time.
I am trying not to be so all or nothing. So I did have a glass of champagne last night, and that was it. I think if I tell myself absolutely nothing, it even messes my head up more. I wasn’t very nice to my Fiancé last night, and I hate being a moody bitch. It is his birthday this weekend, and I want him to have the best birthday ever without me ruining it and being selfish, hell I was selfish enough as an addict. Today is 11 days though. WOOHOO.
All my other quit attempts I have had trouble sleeping like badly, and my anxiety has been sky high, but for some reason this time, I am having no trouble sleeping and my anxiety is lessening by the day. I don’t feel like I am on speed like I did with the other quit attempts. I don’t know if it is because of Cannitrol or if its a placebo and all in my head, but that shit fucking works.
As I sat in bed last night, I did have a very brief moment where I fantasized my relationship with weed, I replayed how I used to go out to the garage my little me time, and light up and inhale that lovely weed and just be and feel my worries and stress drift away. Mary Jane is such a seductive little devil, drawing you in. It was a dangerous moment, but there was no way I could have smoked because I don’t have any weed and threw out all my stuff. But still, its a good reminder that I am not yet out of the woods and must not be too cocky with my quit.
I am feeling generally pretty happy and content today. Tomorrow is Friday and another weekend I hope I don’t overdrink. I also just stumbled upon Binaural Beats, I swear all these things are not a coincidence, I am being guided. I was jolted awake right at 4:44 last night and had a feeling I should look at my clock, Its a weird series of events.