The Merry Go Round

Its so weird because I have my drinking 90% of the time handled.  But what about the other 10% where I still drink to excess?

I don’t drink at work anymore, and very rarely the day after.  I seem to be able to stop myself most of the time, or drink slow.  But I still know drinking 8 beers (which is how high my tolerance is) is not healthy, blackout or not.

This weekend I went to the cabin, and it was the first really nice weekend of the summer, and everyone was drinking, and I of course got blacked out on Friday, and then had anxiety Saturday, so continued to drink.. and blacked out.  And peed the bed, and don’t remember anything.

How un-fucking cool.  I am getting so pissed off at society who is peddling this shit on us like its cool.  Like all the hot movie stars are doing it.  I am so angry.

I feel like I have God trying to help me, and the devil at the same time attacking me.  I cant seem to do anything right.  I have serious anger issues that I need to deal with.

I am getting married in March at an all inclusive destination wedding.  Good choice for someone who struggles with their booze.  I don’t want to quit completely again, and have to not have a drink at my bachelorette party, or my wedding, but what other choice do I have?  Its pretty much that or die.  My heart was actually in pain yesterday, like the muscle.  I know I have damaged my body way to much with alcohol… I don’t want to continue doing it,  but cant imagine not..  I also don’t want to have to go through the whole telling people I am not drinking again, what If I fail again?

I am so angry, and sad, and mad, and just want to write off this life and go start somewhere new.  I need a sober friend….

I’m so lost.

February 1st-2 weeks

I made it to two weeks.  I did actually feel really sick on Sunday morning, and I knew if I had a tiny hoot I would feel a lot better, so I did just one hit off a joint, and I didn’t feel better, and I felt guilty.

I am going to say that was a small slip up- as since that, and it is Wednesday now, I haven’t touched it.   But I realize how even 1 day of smoking, makes you wanna say fuck it, as Monday, I almost felt like I was starting at day 1 again, but I pushed through, So basically, 2 weeks off.  I did start drinking last week, as I love to numb, but caught myself and haven’t had any drinks since the weekend, I want to make sure I don’t quit weed and then start drinking heavily again.

I am very aware of cross addiction, and I am trying super hard not to do that.  I am going to try to get addicted to working out instead.

I have been ANGRY and irritable, at literally everything.  My brain races, makes me stay up all night regretting things I have said/done.  I know that doesn’t get me anywhere but its the truth.  I finally got my first good nights sleep last night but I still feel tired.  And cant focus.  At all, If I didn’t own my own business I think i would probably be fired.  I don’t have much motivation to do anything.  I also have this dull ache in my head for about 3 days now. Exercise seemed to help it, and sitting in the sauna yesterday, but then I woke up again this morning with the same dull ache.

I snapped at my Fiance, for 3 days straight.  I actually just texted him and said I am so sorry, just ignore me, I have always stuffed down my anger issues with weed and it is all coming up.

One thing  I am happy about is that my lungs are clearing out.  I have never in my life horked up black stuff before, but I did today.  Even though that is gross, I know my lungs are getting rid of the 12 years of tar.

I did a drug home test last week, and it tested definitely positive.  I am going to wait another week and then do another, just because of that small hoot I had, probably set me back.

I am still waking up drenched in sweat, having vivid back dreams.  I wonder how long this all will last?

I am 1 week away from the longest I have gone without weed and I love it.  Its like being re born, all these new things happening.

 

Restless

I feel so restless.  I want to pack everything up from Saskatchewan and move to BC.  Where I can hike all year round, grow my own garden year round, get away from my old life and build a brand new life that reflects who I am now.

I want to start fresh, new place, new job, new friends, away from my family drama.  Just me G and the fur babies.  But is that realistic?  I mean, yes I easily could.  But then there’ our house here, my family, this job (where I know I won’t get to be my own boss and make good money anywhere else).

I have noticed my impulsiveness is coming back full force.  I want to do everything NOW.  This weekend I binge ate sugar Saturday and Sunday evening (felt like shit) and I am feeling out of sorts right now.  I am feeling angry almost, irritable.  I just want to tell everybody to fuck off and tell them what I think about them.

I guess the saying is you shouldn’t make any big life decisions or changes in the first year, I can see why that might be true..

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

Irritable

I have been very irritable the last couple days.  I feel like no one understands me.  This weekend I had another huge reminder that my friends really only want me around when it benefits them in some way or another.

My one friend A always asks me to come to her house, but will NEVER come to my house.  She lives all the way across the city, in an area I hate, where I live right beside the river, dog parks, all the coffee shops and stuff to do.  I also re did my whole backyard, and she has yet to come even see it.  So yesterday, of course when her fiance is busy, she says hey wanna come over for a bit.  I said no, I’m hanging in the backyard you should come over here if you want, and shes responds “I’ll see what B says when he is home from shooting” and then of course, don’t get another text.

A is always in a competition with me.  She isn’t happy for my new backyard and house and things because its a threat to hers.  She is always one upping me and thinks she is the queen bee of everything and everyone.  She thinks she knows EVERYTHING and she carries a bitchy, I’m better than you attitude about everything, and shes only 23 years old.  I am sick of it.   She only wants my help when its to do the books for her company etc., she never helps me with anything.  Only wants to come to my house in the states, or my lake front cabin, or to go check out all her brand new stuff and toys, but no, never to just do something for me.

Then I went to another friends house for a Rollerblade on Sunday.  That was nice as I haven’t seen her in forever but she said something that pissed me off.  She said “I think you just needed to prove that you could go without drinking for a period of time”  I thought Oh yeah I just did this to prove I didn’t have a problem and once I realize holy smokes my life is so much better without it, I’ll go back to drinking.  I proved I could do it.  I’ll go back to my miserable, depressed life, sounds good.  Like how small minded are you people!?  Then she says ” not even for very special occasions?”  Like girl, trust me you wont be there for my very special occasions so why should you care if I have a drink or not.

My friends are jealous because I am sticking to my guns, I am making progress, I am becoming better, and they aren’t.  No one is going to tear me down- in fact it is only going to make me try harder.

I know this sounds crazy, but I am feeling rebellious against my friends.  I want to show them who is the boss of my life, and that I am no longer that push over people pleaser friend.

They aren’t my people anymore.

 

50 days and why I love being sober

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Yipeee!!  I have reached 50 days sober!  I have never been here before!

I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that, or to feel good about saying that.  I have come such a long way since my last vacation to Phoenix and my last binge fest.  It is amazing what can change when we finally say enough is enough.

My life has grown in heaps and bounds in just 50 short days so I would like to share with you 50 reasons (so far) I LOVE being sober!

  1. My confidence is through the roof- I feel like I can take on any challenge now
  2. I am much more in tune with my wants/needs and not others wants/needs for me
  3. I can say NO, and not be afraid what people will think
  4. I am no longer a people pleaser or care what anyone thinks of my decisions
  5. I am PROUD I was an alcoholic, not ashamed of my story- I can feel it is going to be the base for everything I do in life- I want to help other people struggling.
  6. I am no longer sick with a hangover 2 or 3 times a week
  7. I’ve lost weight and all my bloat is gone
  8. My mind is much clearer and sharper, no more fog.
  9. I feel generally happy and excited for life and my future
  10. I take MUCH better care of myself – deep conditioning my hair twice a week, dry body brushing, yoga and working out at-least 5 times a week, I eat only healthy whole foods (after the first 2 weeks of sugar binge), I drink tons of water and herbal teas, I meditate, I take baths, I read blogs and books and motivational tapes.
  11. I am HYDRATED- for perhaps the first time in 10 years.  I can feel it in my skin, hair and nails.
  12. I am a much nicer person.  I was selfish as an addict and only thought of me.  Now I love to go out and help/serve other people when they are down, or go to events I NEVER would have gone to before because drinking wasn’t involved.
  13. I am making so many new friends, and ditching the old ones.  I am finding throughout this journey,  I don’t have much in common with my old friends at all.  Even though I have been friends with them for 20 years.  Most of them are:  bitchy, negative, snobby, and whine about their problems instead of fixing them.  I can’t stand being around them any longer.
  14. My relationship with G is healthy and mature now.  No more drama or stupid arguments.
  15. I have taken up new hobbies such as gardening and blogging 🙂
  16. I have soooo much natural energy now- I don’t even drink caffeine anymore!
  17. I can no longer let areas of my life that need improvement go unnoticed
  18. I LISTEN to my body.  I eat when hungry, sleep when tired, and I know if something is off just from sitting still for a couple minutes.
  19. I have a  consistent yoga practice
  20. My mom is no longer staying up at night worrying about me and having to deal with the merry go round of my anxiety, depression and bad binge weekends.
  21. I am completely OFF MY ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION MEDS!!!!!
  22. Weekends are now my time to relax, hang out with nature, and get ready for the week ahead.
  23. I LOVE waking up Saturday and Sunday mornings to read and drink tea
  24. I am no longer drinking and driving
  25. I choose who I hang around with now- if people give me bad vibes, or make me feel negative, I steer clear.
  26. I am saving tons of money – on my ticker it says $580.00 – yikes!!
  27. I am the only person in my family who does not drink- and I am going to be a good role model
  28. G is also noticing my changes, and has taken on a lot of his own
  29. Other people are saying how good I look and how I am glowing
  30. I have had people reach out to me on social media and say they love my page and have so many of the same likes and interests
  31. I haven’t fallen down or hurt myself in 50 days- not once- coincidence I think not!
  32. My house stays clean mostly all the time
  33. I LOVE myself, for the first time ever.
  34. I don’t have any shame, embarrassment, guilt, anxiety that I had for so many years.
  35. My life is no longer a merry go round.  It is calm, and clean and orderly and peaceful and I love it.

This is just from 50 days sober, I can’t wait to see all the new changes at day 100!

What do you guys love about being sober?

xoxoxo

On the right track

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I have a deep understanding that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.   I know I am following a path to be a better person.  I am getting little signs from Him everyday.   Everyday that I wake up, another day added to my sober streak- I feel a huge sense of pride.  Now, being on day 3 without caffeine, that too, is becoming easier.  Three days without putting junk in my body.

I am realizing new things about myself everyday through this journey.  I am so thankful to be in this place, finally, after so much struggle.  I can see that there is a better way to live, and one I don’t have to be ashamed of.  I am liking who I am becoming. I am proud of me, I am taking care of myself and listening to myself, for perhaps the first time in my life.

Yipeeeee!!!

 

Caffeine Withdrawal

HOLY SMOKES!!  I had no clue I was this addicted to coffee.

Yesterday was the start of my elimination diet.  So the first day without caffeine, alcohol (actually day 43) gluten, soy, dairy, eggs, sweets, processed foods, corn etc.

Was I in for a big surprise.  The day started normally- but by the time I arrived at the office, I was noticing my energy levels were low.  I felt lethargic and sluggish all day, not focused and had a hard time having conversations.

Around 4:30 this heads splitting headache occurred, and would not go away no matter what.  It was like this deep throbbing in my skull, and it continued all evening.

I couldn’t keep any food down, and  before supper I started to get really sick and started throwing up.

I was hot/cold, in bed tired but couldn’t sleep, I was throwing up, head was throbbing.  It was the WORST day I have had in a very very long time.  This was me yesterday.

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I had to have a hit of my bong last night, as I couldn’t take the withdrawal, but surprisingly it didn’t help much (when it usually helps everything).  I’ve decided that I am going to still smoke weed during this elimination diet.  As I realized some profound things yesterday.

  1. I am much more addicted to things than I think I am
  2. Caffeine withdrawal is no joke
  3. Coming off of everything at once is not wise, and will probably lead me back to “fuck it all”
  4. I think caffeine may be the reason for my stomach upset
  5. I now really want to live a drug/stimulant free life- its a HUGE eye opener that I NEED something to survive- literally.

I don’t believe I could have gotten through yesterday if I hadn’t already started this sober journey.  Hell because it called for being off booze for 21 days- impossible!  Being sober is making me want to fix other areas of my life that have popped up.  I want to listen to my body.  I think before- I would overdo it, then drink coffee to mask it.  Instead of listening if i’m tired, or hungry, or need water.  I just drink coffee and go on with whatever else is on my to-do list.

Also, this elimination diet, is really taking my mind off alcohol, not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, but one good thing is G is doing the elimination diet with me too.  So no booze for him for 3 weeks 🙂

Much Love, xo

 

Habits

Our days are basically made up of our habits, good and bad.  We go on auto pilot through our days where things we do, have just become a HABIT.  IE, brushing teeth, going to work, coffee every morning, donuts in the staff room at break, etc.   I recently read the book “The Power of Habit”  It was a really good read, and I challenge everyone to give it a read.

It basically says, to change your life, you must change your habits.

Habits are built off a reward system.  To try to replace bad habits with good ones, you have to replace the habit that takes your urge away, with a healthier habit, but still receive the same reward.

I used to have a really productive week, or day, and come home to drink wine as my “reward”.  Now, instead I will do something good and healthy to my body, like buy a new item of clothing, go to the gym, get all my to-do list checked off.  And the feeling at the end is still the same reward I have been looking for.  Relaxation, contentment, feeling proud, feeling happy.

Lately I’ve been trying to add new simple, small habits into my morning/evening routines to become healthier and happier, instead of taking on everything all at once.

I am a person who loves  to overhaul all my bad habits in one day, start fresh and go at it with gusto!  That is, until I get a craving, or tired, cranky, bored, lazy and then just as fast as my motivation started, it waned.

I’ve done this with plenty of thing, cleanses, “diets”, beauty regimes, work out schedules, monthly goals..

I realized I can’t be so black and white anymore, I have to find a happy balance, and start incorporating small do-able daily habits to my life, and over time, those bad habits will naturally fall away!

So far my daily goals are:

  • protien shake everyday
  • take all my vitamins everyday
  • take off makeup, wash face and brush teeth every night
  • drink glass of warm water with lemon first thing every morning
  • drink as much water as I can

I challenge everyone to take inventory of their habits, even the ones we do on autopilot, and consider if any of these habits need shaking up!

Much love, xo

 

 

4 weeks sober!

Hello!

As you can see from my last post, I didn’t succeed in kicking the evil drink, THAT TIME.  I have however, had more bad experiences drinking since then, aka. Hawaii and Phoenix (ironic right!?)

BUT.

It has been 4 week since my last drink.  This time I can feel it.  It’s the final time.  I have never in my life gone 4 whole weeks without drinking since I was 13 years old.

IT FEELS AWESOME.

But, oh it hasn’t been easy thus far.

In Phoenix, I ended up drinking far too much, not treating my boyfriend in an ideal way, fell off a bike and really hurt myself, couldn’t find my way home, and also was verbally abusive with some people I have issues with.  I wanted to die when I woke up the next morning.

I puked in 20 second intervals, all day long.  Couldn’t keep water down, anxiety was ripping my heart apart.  My poor boyfriend.  I tell him time and time again, this is it, I’m done.  He knows better.

But this time I mean’t it.  The whole rest of the trip I allowed everyone else to continue on drinking, enjoying time in the sun and beach, and I stayed sober!

I need to prove with my actions and not my words that I mean business.

I am proud of myself!!!  This past month I survived:

  • My best friends 24th birthday sober
  • My other friends 25th PUBCRAWL (I didn’t handle it exactly the way I imagined in my brain, everyone was doing shots and partying, even my boyfriend and I ended up being upset with him about it (irrelevant, but I thought he should have been supporting me more)
  • The WHO concert
  • Rest of my vacation in Mexico/Phoenix

Even though some of these things were hard, I  got through them, and I woke up sober!

That is something to be grateful for.  Oh and all my friends can’t believe my will power 🙂

Much Love, xo

Week 1-My Sober Journey

work in progress

I originally started this blog with intent to document my personal journey discovering my higher power and passions.  Now adding to this blog- I am going to document my sober journey in helps to keep myself motivated and accountable- and maybe in hopes of making some new sober connections 🙂

I have always struggled with alcohol- from a very early age.  Alcohol was around me everywhere.  I drank to get DRUNK with friends, and continued this reckless behavior into my mid-twenties.  Something about falling asleep, embarrassing myself and my boyfriend, feeling regret, shame and dealing with hangovers is no longer “just a good time” , “everyone is doing it”.  I become someone I do not like when I drink.  I am more argumentative, and selfish, and I just have a tunnel vision focus on one thing- get more alcohol to get you to that lovely, lushy drunk feeling you love oh so much.

After my last blackout- don’t worry I’ll let you in on all the dirty details later 😉  I have decided enough is enough.

This past weekend I survived my first weekend sans alcohol.  It went seemingly smooth considering it was a long weekend- Monday off from work- and Valentine’s weekend.  Both excuses I would have used to get bombed, and most likely fall asleep and ruin the entire weekend for my boyfriend.  Nope not this weekend.  We attended a fishing derby, went out for a great sushi valentines dinner, went to the dog park with our fur babies and watched tons of new films 🙂

I am quite proud of myself!

I have a vacation to Hawaii coming up in 10 days that is wearing on my mind.  I keep having the pesky little addict in me saying “come on, your going to be on vacation, you can enjoy a drink and control yourself”… but I don’t want to test those waters, as I KNOW I will enjoy the holiday probably more without the not knowing whats going to happen and horrible headaches.

Much love, xo