Pisces- Addicted to Escape- Weed or Alcohol

Yesterday was a good day during the day, my mom visited me at work and everything went well.  Then I started to get a really bad pressure headache in my entire head around 3pm.  It lasted until about 7pm.  I tried drinking a ton of water as I thought it was just dehydration, but nope its still a sign of withdrawal.

I wanted to drink really badly yesterday as I was feeling shitty,  I have such an all or nothing mentality.  I strongly believe the God is showing me and helping me along, and knows exactly what to show me at exactly the right time.  I was in my hammock, very miserable, moody, snapping at the Fiancé. I have been interested in learning more about my sign lately, I am a Pisces.   I stumbled across something about how Pisces people feel the weight of everyone else’s problems and worries, and we are such empathetic people that we take them on as our own, but we also need to escape.  We are people who love to escape to fantasy worlds and just be left alone, and retreat.

Which makes so much sense because I have never understood why I always needed to re charge after being with people, and I really like to be alone.  I also love to escape, be that weed, alcohol, anything to change my current state when I am feeling emotions.  It really got me thinking about how it wasn’t the addiction, the addiction is the means I use to get out of my current reality.  I never really drank that much during the week, only when I didn’t have weed, and I always had weed.  So when I had weed, that was my escape, when I didn’t I used alcohol.  It was very enlightening, and I am finding out so much about myself.  I sat with that thought and pondered it for a very long time.

I am trying not to be so all or nothing.  So I did have a glass of champagne last night, and that was it.  I think if I tell myself absolutely nothing, it even messes my head up more. I wasn’t very nice to my Fiancé last night, and I hate being a moody bitch.  It is his birthday this weekend, and I want him to have the best birthday ever without me ruining it and being selfish, hell I was selfish enough as an addict.  Today is 11 days though. WOOHOO.

All my other quit attempts I have had trouble sleeping like badly, and my anxiety has been sky high, but for some reason this time, I am having no trouble sleeping and my anxiety is lessening by the day.  I don’t feel like I am on speed like I did with the other quit attempts.  I don’t know if it is because of Cannitrol or if its a placebo and all in my head, but that shit fucking works.

As I sat in bed last night, I did have a very brief moment where I fantasized my relationship with weed, I replayed how I used to go out to the garage my little me time, and light up and inhale that lovely weed and just be and feel my worries and stress drift away.   Mary Jane is such a seductive little devil, drawing you in.  It was a dangerous moment, but there was no way I could have smoked because I don’t have any weed and threw out all my stuff.  But still, its a good reminder that I am not yet out of the woods and must not be too cocky with my quit.

I am feeling generally pretty happy and content today.  Tomorrow is Friday and another weekend I hope I don’t overdrink.  I also just stumbled upon Binaural Beats, I swear all these things are not a coincidence, I am being guided.  I was jolted awake right at 4:44 last night and had a feeling I should look at my clock, Its a weird series of events.

Much love

 

Feeling good today- Day 10

I had this kind of strange wanting to smoke yesterday feeling, but I wouldn’t call it a craving.   More like, a habit.   I ended up cleaning the house, doing laundry, making supper, watched Bachelor in Paradise, went to the gym and had a pretty productive day.

I fell asleep pretty easily, and had dreams again, I think one where I got in a fight with my mom, but I don’t really remember it all.  I am not sweating very much at all anymore during the night.  I woke up feeling pretty well rested as well.

It would seem things are on the up swing and that I am through the worst of it. I noticed I feel better in my eyes too, they aren’t red and itchy and swollen.  Overall, I cant realty complain too much, except for these stupid f****** fruit flies in my office, which are going to make me have a break down lol.

I have 3 months to go until my friends wedding, so I think my next goal is to be to get a workout plan going, and take pics, and keep myself accountable.  I need a goal to look forward too, to keep me motivated.  I know I wont be smoking anymore, I would feel so guilty.  I think I finally realize what it has been doing to me.

I am only on day 10 and I can already see so many positive changes.  I cant wait until I am 1 month clean, then 3 months, I wonder what it will be like.  I have never had pot out of my system for more than 3 weeks in the past 12 years.

I noticed that I am not overly worried about what people think of me, or paranoid like I was when I was smoking heavily too, oh and I am still coughing up black tar like every morning…. that’s my favorite part LOL.

Happy Wednesday folks.

Day 9- and setbacks

I had a pretty shit weekend, well that’s not entirely true.  I had a lot of fun, had some friends over in the backyard, and then went to a retirement party where we all drank, too much.

We had tequila shots and my Fiancé who is not a big drinker got really drunk and puked all over my car and our house.  The next day after drinking, of course I had anxiety.  So instead of having my crutch of weed, I drank again, big mistake.  I woke up on Monday morning with the worst panic attack I have ever had.  I should have just gone to the gym that day with all my energy instead of keep drinking.

I drank and drove, I was acting not like myself I am so ashamed.  I feel like every time I try and do right, I end up doing wrong.  And I really want to do right.  I actually took myself to the emergency and spent the day there, that’s how bad it was.

Although I am not beating myself up too badly about it because I could have easily went and got weed to get through that day, but I didn’t.  I felt all the feelings of shame and guilt and I think that is a good thing.   I got a good nights sleep last night, and I am feeling 100% better.  I know that I just shouldn’t over drink in the first place, and I wont have the anxiety.  It is baby’s birthday this weekend, and I am going to drink very slow and have 3 drinks max.  That’s the problem- over drink on one day, crazy anxiety the next.  Although I do think my general anxiety when I am not drinking is getting better.

Today I have no anxiety- and I actually do think that cannitrol works really well.  I am not feeling to guilty as that’s what the devil would want me to stay down.  I am 100000% sure I wont give in to smoking, I know if I just went through that and didn’t smoke then I can get through anything without smoking.

I don’t actually really even think about weed that much right now, its weird. Before I would be eagerly counting the days.  We will see how I feel at the two week mark, and after this weekend.

Day 5 Weed Free

Yesterday was not a great day.  I had some pretty intense anxiety.  My heart kind of felt like it was palpitating.   I also have had severe allergies this year and my nose was completely plugged on both sides which made it really hard to do my breathing exercises to calm me down.

I still have lack of motivation and focus.  I just cant seem to want to do anything.  I know I have to be easy on myself this week and not force it, I am doing something, I am trying my best to get through this.

My Fiancé is a go getter.  He always wants more, more, more.  To do more, be more, etc., and isn’t ever satisfied.  I love that quality about him, but he holds a certain standard that I cannot upkeep right now.  He can get pretty nit picky about small things that just don’t fucking matter.  At least not to me.

I freaked out on him pretty bad last night.  I was yelling and swearing at him and crying and I threw a brick of cheese against the wall.   This week he has been making small remarks about we need to keep this cleaner or we need to do this better and it was just about all I could take.  I blew up and said I cant fucking do it right now!!!  I know I am not doing everything perfect, I know I am letting things slide!!!

He is such a good person, and I know he doesn’t do this intentionally.  He apologized and said he forgets what I am going through sometimes and wishes I could just let his remarks slide off my back, which I usually do, but not yesterday.   I also feel bad because this isn’t the first rodeo he has had to go through this and I know that he’s had to cope with me lashing out, and being moody over and over and over again.  Why is he to believe that this time is any different?

We hugged and made up and I actually felt a lot better after I had a good cry.  My emotions are all over the place, I was crying at songs yesterday in my car, and just about everything.  I think it is a good thing though, because I am feeling them.  Got to feel it to heal it.

I surprisingly went to sleep really easily last night, and almost slept the whole night through.  I didn’t sweat quite so much, so I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I am feeling quite cheerful and happy today.  Every bad day, a good day follows.  Got to remember that on the bad days.  Tonight we have agreed to relax together in the backyard and have a little date night.  I am so proud, I never smoked, never drank my feelings away and I am becoming more confident again.

I had a friend reach out that has reached out many times to get back in contact with me, that is not good for me.  He is addicted to everything.  gambling, drugs, alcohol, drama.  And it seems ironic but this time I have ignored him every single time, and I am not doing impulsive things, I think I am beginning to like and respect myself more.

Its funny how when I am starting to do good again, he comes out of the woods, I almost think its like a trap from the devil, oh your doing good, lets fuck this up.

Nope!

Its the weekend, I am hoping everything goes good.  I know I am not going to smoke, and I am going to have to find some things to occupy my time this weekend.  Gym being one of them and a friend is coming over on Saturday for a visit.

Tpday is a good day!  I am happy I am proud,  I am getting through this.

 

Day 4

Well.  I’m here.  I’m doing it.

I don’t actually have too much to wright about surprisingly.  I went to my weekly yoga class on Tuesday, was having some anxiety before.

I wrapped up all my weed utensils, bongs etc., and brought them with me to yoga.

Before I went in I was fantasising about taking a hit, and I even smelt my bong.  I was feeling nostalgic and didn’t want to get rid of it.  Its been my friend, my crutch through any good day, or bad day.

I went into yoga, and had an amazing class.  I left feeling much less anxiety and firm in my decision.  I went and threw my bongs and smashed them into the garbage one by one.  It was a very liberating feeling, I felt like I was smashing a part of me that I no longer needed to exist.

It was bittersweet though, goodbye stoner girl.

After that, I fell asleep so quick, I was so tired.  Its been really weird this quit.  I am SO TIRED.  Every other time I have quit I have had soooo much energy that I was talking peoples faces off, and acting like I was on speed.

Not this time.  My eyes are so tired, I fee so lethargic still.  I cant even wake up in the mornings I am still into a deep sleep.  The dreams have started, and I know I’m not getting the most restful sleep because of the dreams, and because my body is working hard to detox.  I have started the dreaded night sweats again.  They are the worst part.

I wake up drenched in sweat, but then when I take the covers off, I am freezing cold, and shivering. I cant get comfortable, and have had to change my clothes multiple times.

Last night I went to the ex with my best friend.  We had a really good time.  In the past, I would have made up an excuse, or gotten high first and had anxiety.  I had this urge to chug some alcohol before I went, just because I was feeling anxious, but I fought the craving and it passed.  I did have two beers at the Alessia Cara concert, but felt just tired from them, and had no urge to drink any more. WIN!

I went and had a great time.  And I was in the moment.  I have been having a lot of stuff surface.  Feelings about my parents, and why things cant be different.  Feeling sad about a lot of things.  Feeling sad about my dad living a life where everyone hates him, and my mom living a life where she isn’t being fulfilled like she should be.

I have felt like crying a couple times over the days.  Last night I was thinking about how many times I have missed because I was too drunk to fully be present.  I went to a once in a life time concert at Encantara in Phoenix to see Hart, and I was so wasted that I fell asleep outside the porta potty. I missed pretty much the whole show.   I have done this to many important times in my life.  I went to Vegas, and don’t remember the whole weekend pretty much. Yikes man.

I feel like shit about things like that.  I want to be here.  I want to remember.  I want to experience and not have regrets and shame and guilt at my actions.  I think these are all natural things being brought to the surface, I need to deal with these things.

I did have a craving again last night to smoke.  It wasn’t really an urge.  It was more like, okay I’m home, this would be the time I should smoke weed.  But I didn’t, and I fell asleep actually pretty good again last night.

I am not rested today at all and have a bit of anxiety.  That’s normal- Its not going to heal overnight.  I am going to keep busy.  I need to go to the gym today and let out some steam.

My cannitrol pills came, I think they do work.  I gave one to my Fiance, who also smokes, but nothing like I did.  He would have the tiniest hoot, and then could go days without if need be.  But towards the end, he was smoking daily as well.  I hate that I got him on weed.  I thought it was harmless.

He has been a bit irritable this week, but when he took the pills he mellowed out and he also said it made him feel happier.  I am only on day 2, but I think the effects will be much better the longer you take it.

Tomorrow is the weekend, where my real test of will is.  I WILL NOT OVERDRINK.

Happy Thursday!

First 24 hours weed free

I just got back from the long weekend- where there was a lot of pot smoking done.

It isn’t even fun for me anymore.  I just smoke, get tired, eat, smoke more, eat more, go to bed.  I find that I am beginning to get so lethargic that anything seems like too much work.

I haven’t been keeping up with healthy eating, exercising, I barely even take my makeup off or brush my teeth before bed anymore.

I vividly remember last summer as being one of the happiest times in my life.  I had such a strong care to get to the bottom of my problems.  I created such a healthy routine that included weekly massages, yoga everyday, tongue scraping, reading and meditating and being present.

I smoked the last of my weed yesterday at around 4pm.   It didn’t even get me high.  I feel guilty when I smoke now.   I did a night time meditation, and used my essential oils to help me do some deep breathing.  I fell asleep relatively easily (I think from being so exhausted from the lake).  I did wake up from 2-4 though and had a hard time going back to sleep.  Always with my constant thoughts that wont go away.  I finally made myself a cup of warm milk, and listened to some more meditation and fell asleep again.

I did sweat a bit last night and I am irritable and tired today.  I have this lethargic feeling like I waked and baked and have that heavy feeling in my eyes.  I could have slept another 10 hours.  I think that’s my body working hard to clean out my system.

I am feeling low key anxious- and have no motivation to do anything.  I feel sad, and don’t really want to socialize or do anything.   I even have this feeling like I should have a couple drinks tonight to take the edge off.  NOPE. Not this time.  If you want what you’ve never had, you’ve got to do what you’ve never done.

I cant wait for my cannitrol pills to get here.

I hope they do something.

The Hamster Wheel

I am addicted to numbing.  I don’t think I am addicted to drugs and alcohol.  I think I am addicted to escaping my current reality from a young age and always just thought I was doing what everyone else was doing.  Having a good time.

Some crazy stuff has happened to me over the last couple of years but it has been a learning experience and I have learnt so much more about myself through this process.

I have been through extreme binge drinking.

I have gone 6 months without alcohol.

I have tried to quit weed over and over and over again.

Some tries lasting for 3 weeks, some for 5 days, some for 1 day.   But always going back.

I have been through a cycle of quitting weed, feeling the anxiety really badly, covering it up with alcohol, and then feeling so bad from the alcohol, deciding weed was less harmful and going back to weed.

Throughout all of this it is the anxiety and social anxiety that is driving me to these crutches.

The thing I thought was calming my anxiety and making my life bearable all these years, the weed, has been the thing that Is actually causing my anxiety.

I don’t believe I would overdrink if I wasn’t constantly carrying around excess anxiety from marijuana every single day.

It is making me paranoid, and when I don’t have the weed and cant be completely numbed out without a care in the world, my anxiety is so high, that going anywhere I have to drink.

I am having another quit with my weed and this time is the final time.  I am doing it right this time.  I am quitting weed, I have already set my quit date, I have even bought cannitrol, a supplement to help with mood and serotonin and withdrawals.

I am doing things I have never done before.  I will be re watching all of seb grants quit weed videos- and also just read a great book called the Secret Addiction.

And this time, I am not going to be replacing the weed with booze.  I am going to get to the source of this, and pick up my yoga and meditation again.

And then when I think that I have effectively dealt with my anxiety I wont have the urge to drink excessively.   And then maybe, I can have a healthy relationship with booze.

Weed makes everything seem so boring and blah.  No pleasure in the everyday little things, and working out, and sunshine and things that other people can find bring them happiness.  Nothings fun unless weed is involved.  I want to get addicted to taking care of myself and my wedding process.

I am beginning to see it all starts with the weed and me not dealing head on with my anxiety’s and stress in fact I am making it 100000% worse with weed, and then using alcohol when I don’t have weed (or cant smoke weed because I am awkward in public).

I also am at the end of the rope health wise.  My lungs hurt, I can barely breathe when I sleep, I have a family of bad asthma, my face isn’t youthful and glowing, my eyes are always tired, I have no motivation to do better myself or do anything but go home and smoke all night long.  And, I no longer can enjoy joints, or pipes.  It HAS to be a huge bong hit- to even do anything to me- and it has to be more than 1.  Even then, I am not getting stoned anymore, just tired.

I am so tired of this hamster wheel.  I have been trying to quit for 5 years.  I know this time is the time I can feel it.  I am finally fed up, at the end of my rope, and I think I can finally stop fantasizing it is this amazing thing I am missing out on, and see it for what it truly is.

I have to associate pain with smoking weed, and pleasure with being completely weed free.

I am getting married in 6 months, going to Jamaica for my best friend wedding in 3 months, my best friend is having a baby.  There are baby showers  and bachelorette parties and so much fun stuff coming up.  I want to be truly present and there for all of it.

These are the best times of my life, and I don’t want to smoke them away anymore.

My quit date is after the August long weekend.  Monday August 7, 2017.

I know if I quit before the long weekend, the temptation there will be too strong.  I can enjoy this one last weekend and then keep my distance for a while when the cravings are at their worst.

 

 

 

The Merry Go Round

Its so weird because I have my drinking 90% of the time handled.  But what about the other 10% where I still drink to excess?

I don’t drink at work anymore, and very rarely the day after.  I seem to be able to stop myself most of the time, or drink slow.  But I still know drinking 8 beers (which is how high my tolerance is) is not healthy, blackout or not.

This weekend I went to the cabin, and it was the first really nice weekend of the summer, and everyone was drinking, and I of course got blacked out on Friday, and then had anxiety Saturday, so continued to drink.. and blacked out.  And peed the bed, and don’t remember anything.

How un-fucking cool.  I am getting so pissed off at society who is peddling this shit on us like its cool.  Like all the hot movie stars are doing it.  I am so angry.

I feel like I have God trying to help me, and the devil at the same time attacking me.  I cant seem to do anything right.  I have serious anger issues that I need to deal with.

I am getting married in March at an all inclusive destination wedding.  Good choice for someone who struggles with their booze.  I don’t want to quit completely again, and have to not have a drink at my bachelorette party, or my wedding, but what other choice do I have?  Its pretty much that or die.  My heart was actually in pain yesterday, like the muscle.  I know I have damaged my body way to much with alcohol… I don’t want to continue doing it,  but cant imagine not..  I also don’t want to have to go through the whole telling people I am not drinking again, what If I fail again?

I am so angry, and sad, and mad, and just want to write off this life and go start somewhere new.  I need a sober friend….

I’m so lost.

February 1st-2 weeks

I made it to two weeks.  I did actually feel really sick on Sunday morning, and I knew if I had a tiny hoot I would feel a lot better, so I did just one hit off a joint, and I didn’t feel better, and I felt guilty.

I am going to say that was a small slip up- as since that, and it is Wednesday now, I haven’t touched it.   But I realize how even 1 day of smoking, makes you wanna say fuck it, as Monday, I almost felt like I was starting at day 1 again, but I pushed through, So basically, 2 weeks off.  I did start drinking last week, as I love to numb, but caught myself and haven’t had any drinks since the weekend, I want to make sure I don’t quit weed and then start drinking heavily again.

I am very aware of cross addiction, and I am trying super hard not to do that.  I am going to try to get addicted to working out instead.

I have been ANGRY and irritable, at literally everything.  My brain races, makes me stay up all night regretting things I have said/done.  I know that doesn’t get me anywhere but its the truth.  I finally got my first good nights sleep last night but I still feel tired.  And cant focus.  At all, If I didn’t own my own business I think i would probably be fired.  I don’t have much motivation to do anything.  I also have this dull ache in my head for about 3 days now. Exercise seemed to help it, and sitting in the sauna yesterday, but then I woke up again this morning with the same dull ache.

I snapped at my Fiance, for 3 days straight.  I actually just texted him and said I am so sorry, just ignore me, I have always stuffed down my anger issues with weed and it is all coming up.

One thing  I am happy about is that my lungs are clearing out.  I have never in my life horked up black stuff before, but I did today.  Even though that is gross, I know my lungs are getting rid of the 12 years of tar.

I did a drug home test last week, and it tested definitely positive.  I am going to wait another week and then do another, just because of that small hoot I had, probably set me back.

I am still waking up drenched in sweat, having vivid back dreams.  I wonder how long this all will last?

I am 1 week away from the longest I have gone without weed and I love it.  Its like being re born, all these new things happening.

 

Restless

I feel so restless.  I want to pack everything up from Saskatchewan and move to BC.  Where I can hike all year round, grow my own garden year round, get away from my old life and build a brand new life that reflects who I am now.

I want to start fresh, new place, new job, new friends, away from my family drama.  Just me G and the fur babies.  But is that realistic?  I mean, yes I easily could.  But then there’ our house here, my family, this job (where I know I won’t get to be my own boss and make good money anywhere else).

I have noticed my impulsiveness is coming back full force.  I want to do everything NOW.  This weekend I binge ate sugar Saturday and Sunday evening (felt like shit) and I am feeling out of sorts right now.  I am feeling angry almost, irritable.  I just want to tell everybody to fuck off and tell them what I think about them.

I guess the saying is you shouldn’t make any big life decisions or changes in the first year, I can see why that might be true..

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH