I binge drank yesterday

Well.  I made it to two weeks and was doing so well.  I was feeling happy, proud, and my relationship with G was improving.  He was happy and proud of me too.

I had gotten back into mediation and yoga, and started tracking habits.  All of that falls by the way side when I drink.  I drank a whole bottle of wine and 2 tall boys 7%.

I am not sure if G knew I was drinking, but I think he did.  I know God wants me to be sober. I feel a high connection with God when I am sober.

Yesterday, I also drove.  As soon as I get alcohol in my body, I think that I can do anything, with no consequences.  It is absolutely maddening.  I am so mad at myself.

I do realize, that I have to ride things out, when I am having wolfie in my head, I have to just not drink that day, and it will be better.  I also smoked pot the last 2 days, after 40 days clean.  I am back to day 1 for both.

I am learning that even if I had a flat depressing weekend, that will pass, I cant give in to the moment of feeling shitty.

I am not giving up- I WILL BEAT THIS!!!

38 days weed free!

Well.  I kind of almost forgot that I haven’t smoked weed in 38 days!!!!  That is monumental for me!  Longest I have ever gone in 12 years.  I am damn proud.  I rarely even think about it anymore, I have been busy working on my sobriety from alcohol now.

Last time I quit drinking, I was still smoking pot basically the whole time (with 1 three week break).  So I think I still had a lot of the social anxiety and mood swings from the pot all the time.  This time I am completely 100% clean, no pills, no medication, no booze, no weed.  I feel great.

Yesterday, I was a bit moody and tired and had the thought smoking weed would be nice, but it was fleeting, and I took a bath and went to bed.  It was never even a question of whether I would, it just crossed my mind for a minute.  I LOVE the teetotal lifestyle.  I am beginning to love myself.  I started up a sober Instagram account called @liveyourbestlifexo as well, and I am focusing on all the positives of being completely sober, and there are MANY.  I refuse to give into societies thinking that drinking and smoking is cool, it isn’t.  Taking care of yourself is cool!

I do notice being around certain people who make me uncomfortable makes me want to drink.  I’m going to have to work on that!

Positives of being off weed so far:

  • No more anxiety
  • No more depression
  • Smoother mood transitions
  • No more dissonance between who I want to be and who I am
  • No feeling guilty that I am still smoking
  • Can drive around and not freak out
  • The in laws come over lots- not worrying about it smelling like weed
  • I need ALOT less sleep
  • I am interested in yoga, meditation again
  • I am reading every night again
  • I am not as shy and my social anxiety has gone down
  • My eyes are now white and I look well rested
  • I don’t have the bottomless pit munchies
  • I am regaining my self respect
  • I am saving $450 per month
  • Spending more time doing face masks, massages,  self care
  • I care about my appearance a lot more
  • I love dreaming again- and can remember them!
  • I am quite talkative now, my fiancé is like is this who you’ve always been?
  • I want to have deeper conversations
  • and many more.

pretty damn pumped.

 

 

First Sober weekend in a YEAR

This weekend coming up- is the weekend that I relapsed last year- and spent all year drinking heavily.  It was my best friends wedding dress shopping day, and I remember feeling fine, not even an ounce of chance I was going to drink.  Boy, that’s how fast it sneaks up on you.  I decided that day I would have 2 glasses of wine, and I did, and it was fine, we went to the mall and we were all a bit buzzed and had a fun time (after the dress shopping).  I then went home and told fiancé I had drank a bit, and wanted to go out that night… because clearly the AV voice was already telling me to drink more.  I can never just have a couple.

So we went out, and I was like to some friends yeah I’m going to try drinking moderately again, first time I have had a drink in 6 months.  But, that night, I didn’t drink moderately.  We went to a couple different bars, and all the stuff I worked so hard to build was pretty much demolished in a night.  I drank a ton of wine, I think a couple shots, and I do not remember going home at the end of the night.

After that, I was coming up with excuses as to why we should drink.  Lets open this bottle of wine I got from my friend for her bridesmaid gift…. on a Friday evening. I could tell Fiancé was like… no… I don’t want to start getting into this again….. and I even wrote a post on here about a month later at how badly I had relapsed right to the point that I was before… so no not 1 drink is acceptable to me.

Besides, its pure poison, its ethanol, and it ruins every organ in your body, and ruins your looks.  No thanks.

I had a great weekend.  Watched movies and read with my babe and dogs boy Friday and Saturday, and I also went to another AA meeting.  I am not 100% sure if AA is for me, everyone is a lot older than me, and I already know what I need to do to stay sober, I just wanted to meet some sober friends my age.  I do like a lot of their philosophies and will continue to use them…. But I feel like the online community works a lot better for me.  I don’t like to label myself as an alcoholic.  I had a bad drinking problem, I stopped and that’s it.  I am not going to continue to call myself an alcoholic till the day I die, when I haven’t drank in 20 years.  I will call myself a spiritual, recovered, badass yogi!  I can be whatever I want.

I went to the gym this weekend.. did a lot of praying.. I need to up my meditation and yoga practises again.  So I am going to go to yoga tonight!  I also ate really bad this weekend.. but that’s okay, its one weekend where I kind of felt I needed to indulge.  Back on track today!

This is why I remembered I like being sober so much.  Coming to work on Monday, feeling so good.  Not dodging emails, and phone calls and the like because I am sooooo depressed that I cant even work up the nerve to talk to someone on the phone, or literally don’t care at all about it.

I am proud. I am doing this. I am never going back.  Never question the decision.

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EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

My First AA Meeting

I did it!  I finally got up the courage yesterday to call up a family friend who is a dedicated AA’er  and told her that I need to get into a meeting and I am tired of feeling this way.

She was so lovely, she immediately told me not to worry help was on the way, and that she wishes she had the courage to do this when she was my age.  I have had a lot of people tell me that recently (on an online forum I joined, and at the AA meeting last night).  It makes me feel proud in a way.  They said, if only I could go back to your age and do what you are doing, my life would be completely different.  I even thought that myself, what if I kept drinking for the next 10-15 years, it terrifies me what I would be capable of doing in that time.

In bed, I have been thinking a lot about how I got to where I am.  I think since the first time I had a drink I was drinking alcoholically.  I never drank to socialize, I always drank to get WASTED.  I have done many, many dangerous things wasted.  I used to steal my dads 66 bottles, as he had a ton of them and me and my friends would drink them completely, and black out, almost every weekend.

We used to get those coolers, and do something called a hoot and chug where we would take a huge hoot of weed, and then we would hold in the smoke, chug as much of the cooler as we could and then blow out the smoke, to get us SUPER fucked up.

Every time I drank in high school I got absolutely wasted.  Wouldn’t remember things, did stupid shit.  But me and all my friends thought that was normal, we all did it.  I didn’t think it was anything bad at that time and we were just doing what all high school kids do.

Once I got into my twenties I was still drinking like that.  Whenever we went to the bar I would have to get pretty drunk before, and would always black out.  I never was much of a bar person, but at every party I went to… I smoked weed and drank and always ended up making a fool of myself and passing out most times around 9… always before 11.  I could never not chug my drinks fast.  My 25th birthday I was in bed by 11.

One time a couple years ago at New Years, I got so drunk before we went that by 9 pm, I was sooo blacked and was so mad at my fiancé (then boyfriend) that I BIT him in front of about 8 people as hard as I possibly could. He had a scar for weeks.  It was bleeding.  I then passed out and peed on their couch.  He had to ring in the New Year in the hot tub with everyone else while I was passed out.  I have peed my pants about 6-7 times while drunk.  In bed with my fiancé every time.  At the lake this past summer I did it again to.. drank whiskey all day and blacked out and peed.  I did it in Vegas too.. a weekend I don’t remember at all.. I had to be sent home in a cab at the wet republic pool party about 20 minutes after we got there.  I also peed when fiancé brought me to waskesui with his friends.   There have been other times too.

I remember in the first condo I had with my fiancé I would sneak booze and drink it and hide it around the house, he always found stuff.  And I have continued to hide and drink more than anyone else.  I hung out with a crowd that we would get so wasted, all wake up and laugh at the stuff that we did, and then take vodka shots at 9 am and get so wasted that day.  Day drinking then became a thing that I did regularly.  I got a DUI but it still did not slow down my drinking.  In fact, I probably started drinking even more.

The last binge that I went on, I knew I was heading in serious trouble.  I literally drank at work on Friday afternoon and was buzzed (I have quite a tolerance now) picked up another 6 pack of ciders to bring home to the man after work, and drank two of them pretending those were the only drinks that I had that day.  Then the next day I had a headache and I knew I was starting to drink so badly that without a drink I would go into withdrawal.  On Saturday we went to a wedding, and I had about 2 beers on the way, and then quickly chugged 2 when fiancé wasn’t looking.  We also drank at the ceremony, after the ceremony before the dinner, and we all drank heavily at the wedding, where of course I blacked out.

I got mad at my fiancé, made a fool of myself, said and did a bunch of shit that is down right cringe worthy and woke the next morning with all those same feelings.  Terrified, shame, remorse, guilt, wanting to die.  I actually screamed that on the way home with my fiancé, get me some booze right now or I will kill myself!!!  I told him I don’t want to live anymore and death would be better than anything in this life that I was doing.

As soon as we got home, I peaced out super fast, straight to the liquor store. I drank all day that day, went to the casino ( where the people came out to my car and told me I was not fit to drive) I am so ashamed that I think I am so invincible when I am drinking I will drink and drive all the time.  I went and hung out with an old friend that I let go of years ago because he wasn’t good for me and his friend who I had a thing with once when G and I broke up, and that guy was texting me babe later… I was absolutely ashamed.  My fiancé saw the text and said WTF!!!  I am not myself when I am drinking, someone else is in my body.

I passed out at said friends house, then went home and passed out for hours.  When I awoke, fiancé was very angry as he had seen the text (I didn’t do anything, just saw this guy for a moment, and he has a small obsession with me, so he texted me and said babe).  I immediately freaked out at my fiancé because how dare he judge my character who does he think he is!?  I left so fast, went straight to the liquor store, which was closed  (it was 2 am)…. and drove to my parents house, where he called me a million times, and apologized to me begging me to come home…. and I screamed at him for everything wrong in my life.

The next morning, I knew it was labour day and that the LB didn’t open until 10am.. so I stayed at my parents until 10am, and was the first in the parking lot waiting for the store to open.  I purchased the booze and drank it all and went home, got more mad at my fiancé, who took off and went to the gym and then I slept all day long.  When I woke up that day I wanted to end my life.  I hadn’t even showered, changed, brushed my teeth or anything in 4 days.  It was literally wake up drink, pass out, wake up, drink.  I am disgusted.

I was sweating profusely, which I know is a sign of alcohol dependence but I just felt lifeless, and my  mouth was soooo dry and dehydrated I still cant fathom it.  There were globs of dried up mucus and saliva on the top of my mouth.  I cried all night long, and all day the next day and I could tell my fiancé was mad at me.  That was the end of my drinking career.  I told him I was serious about getting sober and I would do anything to make it up to him.  He is the most forgiving man that I know.  He still says it is going to be okay and that he will go through anything with me and that he will not abandon me.  If I were him… I would be gone.

When I went to AA last night… I told my story… not all of it.. but a little of it.. and it felt so good.  Everyone there knew exactly what I was talking about.  I felt so at home.  I met some lovely people and I have high hopes for the future.  It is a future with no alcohol period.  I have never been a normal drinker, I didn’t progress from a social drinker to an alcoholic, I have always been one.. its in my genes.

Fiancé was really proud of me last night and I know that we are going to be okay.  But I do know I would die if I didn’t quit drinking.  I feel so good today, I am going to another meeting on Sunday.  My AA friend hooked me up with one of her friends, and she is the lady that met me and brought me in there… what a group of beautiful people, from all walks of life… I am so blessed……… Thank you GOD for protecting me through all the stuff that I did… I don’t know how I am still alive.

And the be honest… this is just a blimp in the things I have done.

So there we have it… I need to put this down to remember when wolfie is calling to me.. because I have new friends and a new support system to keep me sober.  This time I am going to make it.  I will continue to tell more of my story.

Should I go to AA?

I am not in any denial that I do not control my intake anymore.  I am an addict, its who I am.  I want to use this curse and turn it into a blessing.  Wolfie the black demon is whispering a lot in my ear that I cant do this.  Who is he kidding?  I need to get better at calling him out.

I want to do this different this time.  I don’t care what anyone thinks.  This is my life and I cannot drink period.  I wont be drinking at my wedding, and I wont be drinking in Jamaica..  Lifes a bitch, but it could be worse.  There will always be another reason and excuse to drink.  I need to start calling out that demon in me at every turn of the way.

I am taking all my anger out on my Fiance.  I treated him sooo badly over this past weekend.  I am so full of disgust and shame.  I even slept at my parents one night when he was calling me over and over again.  I blame him for everything shitty in my life.  He is such a good man, he does not deserve to go through this.

I NEVER want to feel this way again.  I outed myself to my best friend, and to my mom.  It needs to end here.  I will be feeling better in 5 months.  It will get better.  It will get better.

Should I go to AA today?  I really don’t want to….

Already Craving

I am already craving to drink.  Today has been a hard one at work, and we are having to let go of one of our long-term family friend employees.  Just thinking about it makes me feel bad.  I want to drink to make this easier.  The wine wolf is already calling.  I almost went to the store so I could pick one up and have it at work.

Classy hey. I know my liver isn’t loving me for all the binge drinking I have been doing lately.  I can tell, it kind of hurts.  That is not a good sign.  It has only been 2 days and I already want booze.  The voice in my head saying that I am quitting at the wrong time, and that I can quit after my wedding, after the bachelorette parties, after the all inclusive.  Its right isn’t it?  Why stop now.  I have a wedding coming up this weekend.  It sounds insane that someone would think about alcohol this much.

I want to dull the feeling of everything.  I don’t want to go to the gym tonight, can I have a drink before I go?  I don’t want to go home and clean, and I don’t want to go to this wedding sober this weekend.  I am not sure if I will make it.  Why don’t I start this drinking thing after my wedding, when I have no more big things coming up.

But wont there always be another wedding, another events another funeral another anything that I HAVE to drink for.  Why cant I just be normal, can I have one more chance?

NO.  Because you damn well know you don’t want to drink a glass or two, you want to chug the bottle, you want to get lost into another world.

I have a hard time being around people who make me nervous, Its like I need to be inebriated.  Fuck my life.  I don’t have anything left.  I quit the weed, now I have the booze.  But when I was smoking heavily, I was drinking just as heavily as I am now.

I promise I will not drink today.  I am not worrying about those other days.  Alcohol is sneaky and seductive and it kills and destroys.  I still know when someone drinks to this extent it is because there is a demon in there.  PLEASE GET OUT.

I am going to go to yoga tonight and mediate and have a bath and cry if I have to, but I am not drinking.  Not today.

3 weeks- Cant stop myself

I went to the lake this past weekend with G and the dogs.  Of course I had all these grand plans to not drink heavily.  FAIL.  I know that I have been in very bad denial about the extent of my drinking.

I drank Friday night, Saturday pretty much all day, and all day Sunday.  Yesterday I was once again feeling so low and suicidal in the morning.  Its like once I start drinking I am off running.  I have recently been turning into my dad, where I go around to everyone and say shit I would never say sober.  Family problems, issues I have, and just sharing too much information.  It makes me so regretful the next day because I know that those things are just sitting there and I never have expressed them before, but I am expressing them to the wrong person.

I feel so much shame.  I think why I have been in such denial is that I have gotten better at hiding my drinking.  I no longer just black out and pass out, I have quite a tolerance, and I can pretty much drink all day now and still be normally functioning.  I mean, I am more talkative and all that stuff, but I don’t show the signs as much as I used to.  And I don’t think that’s a good thing.  I am feeling a bit better today, but I know that I need to give this sobriety thing another shot. I have so much coming up, like my friend bachelorette party, her wedding in Jamaica, my wedding, all these things I would have loved to been able to drink at normally, but I don’t think I can drink normally.  No, I know I cant drink normally.  And so what’s the alternative?  Drink and ruin my own wedding week… like maybe not drinking would be better than drinking.  I have all the fears. I don’t want to quit drinking, but I have proven time and time again that I cannot control my drinking.

I want to do everything in my power to never put my family through what me and my brothers went through.  I am starting to remind myself just like my dad, telling everyone our business, getting raging angry at the end of the night, I hate it so much.  And yet, I still want to drink at certain things.

I have a wedding coming up this weekend for Gs’ friend.  I am not going to drink.  Yesterday and today my liver was actually hurting, or the organs surrounding it.  That really freaks me out, I think that I have inflamed it.  I was so happy those 6 months, I was doing so much personal development, and I was gaining my confidence and self love back.  I need to get back to that place.  I was taking such good care of myself.  I was pretty much organic everything, and doing yoga all the time, and meditating.  I need to remember that it is sobriety or disconnect for me.  And I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks.

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On a positive note, I am just over 3 weeks off the weed!  That is for sure the longest I have ever gone, and for that I am proud.  I didn’t even cave when I was drinking heavily this weekend, and I didn’t smoke yesterday even though I was in a pretty dark depression.  I do notice the depression isn’t as bad as when I was smoking though, so there’s that.

I took an at home THC test this morning, and it was positive.  I think I have about at least another month before that is out of my body, and I cant wait to see who I am at that point.  When I quit drinking before, I was still smoking ALOT.  I just want to be 100% sober, body, mind and soul.  Please God help me.

 

Day 18- Hard Past Week

I have been having a hard past week.  I definitely did switch to the booze to get rid of ugly feelings I was having over the weekend and about my Social Anxiety.  But I shut that off quick and haven’t had a drink in 5 days.  I have been researching a lot about how weed and alcohol truly allow demonic beings to enter your system, and destroy you.

You open your mind up to terrible things.  Its kinda keeping me going, and scaring me from alcohol a lot at this point.  You know the point of black out when you wake up and people tell you, you were acting like a completely different person and your spiritual, emotional and physical body takes a huge hit… I call that demonic possession.  And they don’t leave you alone, that’s what creates addicts, they keep you calling back for more, tempting you, calling you do all sorts of things when they have control.  Drinking and driving, low level sex, violence, hatred those are all things of the devil, and not God.

I know it sounds crazy, but look up alcohol and demons or spirituality on YouTube there is some pretty crazy shit, and hey its working.

I have been an emotional mess, mean to the FI, having freak outs, being irrational and then normal a minute later.  I am trying to not be so hard on myself as I know this is what is going to happen.  I haven’t dealt with my emotions since I was 13 like for real.  I always drank or smoked them away.  I think my brain is re wiring.

The first couple of weeks I was so exhausted it was weird, not like any quit I have had before. Now though, almost 3 weeks in, I cant sleep at night and I am tossing and turning, and having crazy dreams still, but those are kinda cool.  I do have a lot more energy and recently started a new gym program so that will keep me busy.

So far this past week I have had sever migraines, bad mood swings, trouble sleeping and feeling pretty angry.  No anxiety though, which is weird for me.  Oh, and I naturally stopped drinking as much coffee, not sure why??

Heres to 3 weeks, the farthest I will have ever gone!

Feeling good today- Day 10

I had this kind of strange wanting to smoke yesterday feeling, but I wouldn’t call it a craving.   More like, a habit.   I ended up cleaning the house, doing laundry, making supper, watched Bachelor in Paradise, went to the gym and had a pretty productive day.

I fell asleep pretty easily, and had dreams again, I think one where I got in a fight with my mom, but I don’t really remember it all.  I am not sweating very much at all anymore during the night.  I woke up feeling pretty well rested as well.

It would seem things are on the up swing and that I am through the worst of it. I noticed I feel better in my eyes too, they aren’t red and itchy and swollen.  Overall, I cant realty complain too much, except for these stupid f****** fruit flies in my office, which are going to make me have a break down lol.

I have 3 months to go until my friends wedding, so I think my next goal is to be to get a workout plan going, and take pics, and keep myself accountable.  I need a goal to look forward too, to keep me motivated.  I know I wont be smoking anymore, I would feel so guilty.  I think I finally realize what it has been doing to me.

I am only on day 10 and I can already see so many positive changes.  I cant wait until I am 1 month clean, then 3 months, I wonder what it will be like.  I have never had pot out of my system for more than 3 weeks in the past 12 years.

I noticed that I am not overly worried about what people think of me, or paranoid like I was when I was smoking heavily too, oh and I am still coughing up black tar like every morning…. that’s my favorite part LOL.

Happy Wednesday folks.

Day 5 Weed Free

Yesterday was not a great day.  I had some pretty intense anxiety.  My heart kind of felt like it was palpitating.   I also have had severe allergies this year and my nose was completely plugged on both sides which made it really hard to do my breathing exercises to calm me down.

I still have lack of motivation and focus.  I just cant seem to want to do anything.  I know I have to be easy on myself this week and not force it, I am doing something, I am trying my best to get through this.

My Fiancé is a go getter.  He always wants more, more, more.  To do more, be more, etc., and isn’t ever satisfied.  I love that quality about him, but he holds a certain standard that I cannot upkeep right now.  He can get pretty nit picky about small things that just don’t fucking matter.  At least not to me.

I freaked out on him pretty bad last night.  I was yelling and swearing at him and crying and I threw a brick of cheese against the wall.   This week he has been making small remarks about we need to keep this cleaner or we need to do this better and it was just about all I could take.  I blew up and said I cant fucking do it right now!!!  I know I am not doing everything perfect, I know I am letting things slide!!!

He is such a good person, and I know he doesn’t do this intentionally.  He apologized and said he forgets what I am going through sometimes and wishes I could just let his remarks slide off my back, which I usually do, but not yesterday.   I also feel bad because this isn’t the first rodeo he has had to go through this and I know that he’s had to cope with me lashing out, and being moody over and over and over again.  Why is he to believe that this time is any different?

We hugged and made up and I actually felt a lot better after I had a good cry.  My emotions are all over the place, I was crying at songs yesterday in my car, and just about everything.  I think it is a good thing though, because I am feeling them.  Got to feel it to heal it.

I surprisingly went to sleep really easily last night, and almost slept the whole night through.  I didn’t sweat quite so much, so I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I am feeling quite cheerful and happy today.  Every bad day, a good day follows.  Got to remember that on the bad days.  Tonight we have agreed to relax together in the backyard and have a little date night.  I am so proud, I never smoked, never drank my feelings away and I am becoming more confident again.

I had a friend reach out that has reached out many times to get back in contact with me, that is not good for me.  He is addicted to everything.  gambling, drugs, alcohol, drama.  And it seems ironic but this time I have ignored him every single time, and I am not doing impulsive things, I think I am beginning to like and respect myself more.

Its funny how when I am starting to do good again, he comes out of the woods, I almost think its like a trap from the devil, oh your doing good, lets fuck this up.

Nope!

Its the weekend, I am hoping everything goes good.  I know I am not going to smoke, and I am going to have to find some things to occupy my time this weekend.  Gym being one of them and a friend is coming over on Saturday for a visit.

Tpday is a good day!  I am happy I am proud,  I am getting through this.